I Became Obsessed With My Phone- And Lost Myself In The Process
My Digital Identity Crisis
I remember the first day I got my phone.
I had just turned 10, and while my parents wanted me to wait a little longer, they needed a new way to contact me since my friend's mom would never pick up the phone.
Oh, how I wish she picked up looking back at it.
Anyway, I was beyond ecstatic once I finally received my new phone.
It was the Samsung 3, and it had everything. Unlimited apps like YouTube and Instagram, access to call or text anyone whenever I wanted to, and some of the best games on the market (if you remember jet pack joyride, just know I’m an expert at that game).
I was in love, and I think it’s right to say that it was love at first sight.
Codependency
Falling in love with something I can access at all times only led to one of the fastest co-dependencies in the world.
Since day one we were inseparable, and it now came with me everywhere.
YouTube videos on the bed, cool video games while I’m out with friends, and unlimited scrolling the second I was bored.
I even would sit and watch videos while eating with my family (which is one thing I remember and regret the most).
It felt amazing, yet I didn’t notice how much of a leach it became.
My phone and I ended up doing everything together.
From hanging out with friends to even using the bathroom (don’t act like you don’t either), I couldn’t get away from it.
The worst part was how I couldn’t focus on anything else.
Anytime I looked away or went to talk to a friend, I’d hear a ding signaling me to check it.
The notification could’ve been something stupid like a reminder to play the game again, yet I would give in every time.
My phone wanted attention, and since I loved it so much I would give it that attention.
Doing homework? My phone was there.
Relaxation time? My phone was there.
Bored for a second? My phone was there.
Having fun with friends? My phone was there.
Going to bed? My phone was there.
Waking up? My phone was there.
For years I spent almost 8 hours every single day on my phone. After all these years of devotion to my phone and listening to whatever it said, once I was finally 18 and ready to move out I had to stop and ask myself:
Who am I?
Who am I?
I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to answer that question yourself, but if you’re anything like me on your first time your stomach dropped alongside your heart.
I truly had to think about it for a minute and see what I could come up with, but my head was blank.
In fact, after one minute of thinking about this question, my phone was right back in my hand.
Distraction.
“How come I’m avoiding a thought like this?”I thought to myself, only to realize how clear the answer was.
I knew nothing about myself. About who I truly am.
Sure I had things I liked to watch online or play like Pokemon or Netflix. Those were my interests, but could I really say that makes me whole as a person?
I also went to my social media accounts to try to determine myself based on it.
Pictures of me traveling around the world, sports like skateboarding, and pictures with friends were what I had, but could I say that makes me unique?
I could bet that almost every single person online showed practically the same interests, and once I thought of that, it was clear that not even I, the person living life in this body, had a single clue as to who I was.
All while I was thinking of this, notifications came in from — you guessed it- my phone.
The one I was mad at for distracting myself from my own life.
I checked to see what it was only to find it was someone liking my post on Instagram.
A post that doesn’t stand for who I am.
A post to portray something that I’m not. I realized something at that moment.
I’m having a digital identity crisis.
I’ve spent so long living with this curated version of myself I’ve created, that I never took the time to look at the roots of who I was.
The person who I truly was.
One that I never tried to get to know because I’ve been lost in a relationship for years.
A toxic one, with my phone, who even now could see that I am in pain, decides to beg for my attention once more and validate the side of me that wasn’t me.
Have you ever felt like your relationship with your phone was toxic? Let me know in the comments.
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