I Became an Achiever When I Cared The Least

What I wanted to do in life became my nightmare!

Recently I went for a stroll and I was going through my aspirations and work experience in my mind. This year is the 20th anniversary of my graduation from university. I studied business administration and for almost all these years since I have worked in and around finance. It was when I was already studying at uni that I came to realize that I had only the slightest interest in business and finance. At the same time, so many other subjects I found appealing. I had a chance to try some of my interests over the years but especially one of them stood out especially strongly. And even if I tried to ignore it, it never went away.

During this mind exercise, I noticed with astonishment that, as much as I didn’t like the subject, I became the most successful in that area — Finance. The opposite to what I cared about, when I really wanted to do something, it was left behind as only a dream.

I’ll now unfold why.

Why didn’t I choose to study something that I wanted that I was interested in?

Fear was the biggest reason. I always knew I wanted to be a writer, but I couldn’t even admit the idea of being a writer to myself. I saw writers as godly creatures. Who was I, claiming to be a writer? I had a serious confidence issue and it took years to understand the real problem.

Parents and adults around a child can be so de-motivating! I knew deep inside me I couldn’t tell people that I wanted to be a writer. People around me seemed as if they were from one world and I was from another. How would I word my dream? Writer! What do you mean? Do you want to be broke all your life?! They must have given me this message, which was the same with all artistry. Instead of them berating me, I told myself off! Even if they didn’t, I gave myself hard time.

I convinced myself that I didn’t have any talent anyway. This opinion must be closely related to fear; being scared of not being successful. When I did spend time trying to hone my skills, I was too critical of myself. When I wrote a piece, it had to be outstanding. When I couldn’t express what I thought of I immediately torn the paper apart, hated myself, and convinced myself that I didn’t have any gifts. I didn’t give myself a chance to grow. When I did, and what my perception was called perfectionism these days.

You cannot make your living from writing! One thing was very important for me: Freedom. To be independent, I had to be financially free. I wanted it so much, and so quickly. I had to stand on my own two feet. What I kept hearing from people convinced me that I couldn’t earn any money from writing, or at least not for a long time, and I didn’t dare to wait. There wasn’t a single person I knew who made their living from writing anyway.

Studying business and working for banks and finance.

In intermediate school, there was one subject called ‘Optional’ which differed from school to school. The ‘Optional’ class was chosen by school management and in my school, it was an accounting class. I loved all the other classes, but not this one.

Almost everyone at university wanted to study something else. It seemed normal not to study what you enjoyed most. Later in my working life, I witnessed so many people not working in the areas in which they were educated. I hope this has changed now.

When I was studying business administration, I was amazed by the array of types of accounting classes. I wanted to work in operations and won’t be dealing with accounting anyway — I thought. But I also knew I wouldn’t work for a bank. Because I met a bank teller who was working long hours and even on the weekends.

I could find a writing job. I could work for news or advertising agencies. Again, the fear of not succeeding held me back. I couldn’t even say I couldn’t find a writing job since I didn’t even apply, fearing being unable to meet their criteria.

My first professional job was in a bank. I can’t say my mind had changed about banking but I learned that I was good at what I was doing. I kept working in banks for a good eight years and this experience taught me so much.

My first professional job in New Zealand involved dealing with accounts. Do you know what? I was shocked to admit it but I loved accounting. I learned details very quickly and became successful enough to be promoted not long after I started.

Overcoming my curse, to make my dream come true.

My curse — and my virtue — was not being able to forget about writing. Inspired by reading and by life around me, I always had so many ideas to write about. This was how I expressed myself to the world. My fate was to write. Since I didn’t like what I wrote, nor how I wrote it, I wanted to get away from it. But eventually, I returned to writing a few years ago and finally accepted that I only wanted to focus on writing.

It hurts to see your own struggle!

All my life, until I decided to change, I had multiple ideas for creating businesses because I wanted to write. Don’t ask me how they are connected! I thought that if I had enough money, I could buy the time to write. The worst logic ever! Unless you write about business.

I have countless books filled with journals, short stories, poetry, fiction and non-fiction ideas. If I had invested more time into writing instead of running away from it, I would have achieved my goals by now.

Writing was always painful for me because I cared about it so dearly, yet I didn’t give myself time enough to work on it. I was like Lennie Small in Of Mice and Men, who liked soft animals so much but accidentally killed them, squeezing them too much. I knew my passion was writing but my diseased love for it killed the product.

I searched for my passion for years. I kept thinking, analyzing myself and trying to find my real vocation. When I understood that it was writing, I’m sorry, but I felt foolish, and I was. When you are too close to something you struggle to see it.

When I looked at the twenty years of my working life, it became clear that my career developed smoothly. I didn’t become a CEO but I was always praised. I think the reason for the commendable work-life was that I wanted to do a good job but I didn’t care for a career. I wasn’t part of the competition. I wasn’t aiming high. I wasn’t pretentious. There was no tension or stress in being the best at what I was doing. My success came from not caring. Because if I wasn’t good enough, I would simply say, ‘I don’t like it.’

Writing was painful because I wanted to be a good writer and I cared about creating great work, but I didn’t bear going through bad writing and development first. It was too dreadful not to be able to do a good job. Fear confused the focus.

When I first realized how much I enjoyed the process of writing, the pain ended, in a way. I learned that if I stuck to the work I was doing I’d witness its improvement, which was great fun. It was almost the same with the other things I learned. As long as you stick to what you are trying to learn, to achieve, then you see the transformation.

Witness your own transformation. It’s a great pleasure.

Takeaways from this piece.

Young people, there is nothing in the world that you can’t achieve. Everything comes with dedication and working on it. You can do it.

Older people, it’s never late. The same principle applies. Working on what you want to achieve is the key.

You won’t be the best when you start doing something, anything. Every single craft requires attention, focus, love and practice. Give yourself time, stop thinking about how you are doing and focus on your long-term goal.

You can make money through writing.

Actually, you can make money from anything.

I hope this piece enlightens your day!

Thank you for reading.