I Ate 689 Pieces Of Halloween Candy And Didn’t Get High Even Once!

Summary

An individual consumed a large quantity of Halloween candy over eight days, expecting to find drug-laced treats, but experienced no drug effects, only weight gain and social awkwardness.

Abstract

The author of the article embarked on an eight-day binge of Halloween candy, driven by rumors of drug-laced confections and the desire to experience an unintentional high. Despite consuming a staggering amount of candy, enough to cause significant weight gain and health issues, the author did not encounter any drugged sweets. The piece humorously recounts the author's quest through various neighborhoods, including those known for less-than-wholesome activities, in search of the elusive high. The narrative also touches on the declining tradition of trick-or-treating and the potential future where only those seeking drugs roam the streets on Halloween. The author laments the absence of free, drug-infused candies and questions the existence of a "hook-up" for such treats, ultimately suggesting that the real trick was the absence of drugs all along.

Opinions

The author is skeptical about the existence of drug-laced Halloween candy, labeling the rumors as a potential myth.
There is a sarcastic tone regarding the fears of drug-laced candies expressed by the soccer moms encountered at Walmart.
The author expresses frustration with the lack of drug effects despite consuming a large quantity of candy.
The article pokes fun at the author's own behavior, including stealing Christmas decorations and trick-or-treating as an adult.
The author implies a sense of disappointment in the Halloween tradition, expecting it to be a source of free drugs.
There is a humorous suggestion that the only way to obtain drugs is through conventional, financial transactions, not through Halloween candy.
The author mockingly questions the decline in the distribution of drug-laced candies, suggesting a need for more effort to find undercover sources, such as FBI agents.
The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek promotion of the author's mailing list and Fiverr gig, implying that readers might find more value in those offerings than in the sought-after drugged candies.

I Ate 689 Pieces Of Halloween Candy And Didn’t Get High Even Once!

What gives!?!?

I was stuffing cheaply made mass produced Christmas decorations into my oversized jacket in the back aisle of a crowded Walmart the other week when I overheard a gaggle of soccer moms commiserating in regard to a supposed epidemic of drug-laced Halloween candy.

“You can’t be too safe” said one.

“Too many wackos out there” said another.

“I miss quaaludes” said a third.

Liars, all. Over the course of the last 8 days I’ve consumed enough empty calories to kill a horse and the only high I’ve experienced came in the form of a shrieking night terror that drove my neighbors to drop a “For sale” sign in their front yard. And let’s face it, that ship was gonna sail one way or another regardless.

Where I ask, WHERE, in the leagues of chocolate coated bullshit I shoveled into my awaiting gullet were the supposed rainbow fentanyl? The banana Xanax? The glucose gabapentin? All I have to show for my hard work is a growing difficulty to climb stairs and a scale that shattered under my newfound girth.

I suffered the dirty looks, the sneers, the crippling indignancy from my throngs of Mormon neighbors, too polite to outright refuse a grown man in his late twenties from trick-or-treating but not so polite as to make me feel welcome. I traversed the warning signs to approach the creepiest homes on the block, including domiciles registered to sex offenders, in order to locate the seediest and razor-bladey-ist jawbreakers in the city.

And yet, I’m left in the ether, to purchase my illicit narcotics with actual legal tender like a total fucking dork. Is it too much to ask that I find a kind stranger who purchased very expensive drugs with the express intention of repackaging said drugs into a carefully crafted replica of normal sweets and gives them away for free for no discernible reason outside of giving a stranger the untraceable high of a lifetime, presumably to fulfill some kind of public service?

So I’ve gotta ask, who got the hook-up this year? Where are the coked up kindergardeners? Especially now that Trick or Treat numbers continue to dwindle with each year. Five years from now the only people roaming the suburbs on Halloween night will be limping junkies in search of their next Ambien almond joy. Do you seriously mean to tell me the free drugs market has run this dry? Or do we all simply need to try a little harder to Where’s Waldo our local FBI agent?

Maybe the real treat was how we were tricked along the way.

If you’re looking to get whacked out on skag, you may be shit out of luck, but hey, cheer up buddy, you can always join my mailing list to get articles delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge.

Alternatively you could purchase some comedy content from my Fiverr gig, so I’ll have enough pocket change to pay my Toblerone plug this month.