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Abstract

ered that my parents were getting older anyway and could use being closer to us.So, we “proposed” to them, they said yes, and here we are today, almost two years later, still under the same roof. It’s not just because we’re quarantined, but because of the mutual benefits.<h1 id="ad98">Except For One Friend, Nobody Encouraged Us</h1>My sister said, “If you think you can do this, go for it. Though I don’t think I could…”Other family members, aunts and uncles, in particular, were baffled and kept asking them what they were going to do for a living.My father-in-law said something along the lines of, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, though you’re free to see for yourself.”.The list of opinions that were either clearly against or moderately reserved was overwhelming.There was only this friend, whose daughter was around 10 at the time, who said — “It’s going to be extremely helpful. You’ll need all the help you can get, and it’s a good thing you can get it.”<h1 id="888f">Here Was Our Plan</h1>We wanted to help each other, support my dad to find a job, and offer my mother a salary for the “work hours” she would put in with our son.We wanted to take over paying all the bills and groceries so my parents could ramp up their savings.And we were (or sort of still are) hoping that within the next 8–9 years when our son becomes more independent, my parents can choose either to buy their own place with the money they’ve saved or to buy a property and rent it for an extra income as they will be approaching retirement age.<h1 id="a8d5">But Plans Are Meant to Fail, Right?</h1>Less than a month after my father got a job as an electrician at a pharmaceutical storage house, he decided to quit his job and follow his passion. He wanted to become a programmer, something he fancied for some years, but for which he didn’t make serious efforts to achieve. He found a small private company willing to take him in and pay him a miserable salary while being trained on the job.We were all in shock, and it was the first big reason for endless arguments in our recently extended family. My father just went on with doing it his way, pretty much like a spoiled child.Then, as we started to get used to our new life, <a href="https://adelinav.medium.com/pandemic-terminal-illness-news-conscious-living-d0de4acbcbcf">the pandemic came</a>. We found out that my father-in-law has stage-four cancer. The cherry on top was that we were forced to shut down our holiday rental business — because of the pandemic and because my husband had to take care of his father.We’ve lost a significant income source; we had to move our father-in-law in with us too, after his brain surgery; we were no longer able to pay my mother the promised salary. To top it off, my father shocked us one more time by deciding to take another job in the middle of the pandemic.Luckily, his new job was paying him a lot more, which kind of compensated for our financial hit. Plus, his job as a programmer allowed him to work from home and be less exposed to the risks of getting COVID.Life was teaching us the lesson of no

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t relying too much on plans.<h1 id="a15b">If We are to Count Our Blessings Today, We Can Say That…</h1>We ended up living with all the grandparents under the same roof. Even though my father-in-law is very ill, my son was fortunate enough to interact with him for a while. And if I didn’t have my parents in with us, it would have been terribly hard for us to take care of grandpa.The pandemic made us shut down pretty much anything and stay in survival mode. But with five adults in the house, our little boy still had plenty of opportunities for social interaction.We’ve been through situations that almost broke us, though we’ve managed to keep it together without letting our stress affect our son too much.With every person in the house that he interacts with, my son gets unique and different experiences. At 29 months old, he talks all day long, and he is a pretty friendly little boy despite having lived a significant part of his life in quarantine.We are better parents thanks to having our parents live with us. We spend less time with our child than we would have done if we didn’t have the grandparents in. But when we’re together, it’s quality time. And when we’re not, we’re more than sure that our son enjoys spending time with people who genuinely love him.While it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, all our obstacles have forced us to find solutions and better ourselves.Our boy isn’t the only one growing. We’re also growing, developing new social skills, and learning how to be more flexible in our interactions with not-like-minded people (read stubborn parents).Perhaps one of the most important things, we keep our parents close, so we can make sure that they take care of their health. After missing the cancer signs in my father-in-law, who lived alone, away from us, it’s a hard-learned lesson, yet one we’re grateful to have learned.<h1 id="7b8c">If You’re Wondering Whether you Should Bring Your Parents to Live in With You…</h1>I’m sorry, I don’t have an answer for you. The thing is that, from all those people who initially discouraged us, many of them envy us today. We know it for a fact because they’ve said it already. I guess it’s because they only see the benefits we’ve been getting, but are clueless about the challenges we’re facing.I can tell you that it’s going to be hard. And that both you and your parents must be willing to go through a lot of changes.You also need to have a supportive partner. I didn’t mention it so far, but I have to say it — my husband was 110% onboard with the idea, whereas I was probably about only 80% convinced it was a smart thing to do.And above anything else, you must know how to set limits and don’t allow your parents to change the way you feel about your relationship with your spouse. There will be arguments. Many arguments. Remember that you and your partner are a team and that together, you can find a solution for anything!Regardless of what side of the fence you’re sitting on right now, remember that grass will always seem greener on the other side. Just know your interests, pick your side, and stop looking over the damn fence!</article></body>

I Asked My Parents To Move In With Us Two Years Ago

Talk about life-changing decisions!

I read somewhere that once you bring your children into this world, you’re back to asking your parents' permission for a night out. My husband and I did a lot more than that and asked my parents to move in with us. On the 1st of April 2019, they left their life in another city, moving in with our six-month-old son and us.

We expected it to be difficult, and we were right. But the benefits outweigh any challenge, and with the pandemic that unexpectedly hit the scene, it turned out to be one of our best decisions ever.

Why We Wanted to Make This Change, to Begin With

I know someone who moved to another country to be away from her parents. Now that she has two children of her own, she kind of misses her parents.

Then, I know someone who moved her mother five minutes from her home to have her close enough for quick help and send her away when she feels the need.

I also know someone who lived with her in-laws and had to move out because they didn't get along, but who keeps asking her husband to let her mother move closer, without success.

And there’s someone who has her in-laws super close, but they’re never willing to help, and she feels so bad that her family is far away.

All these persons agree that they could use more help with their children. However, some of them aren’t willing to make any compromises to get that help, while others don’t have anyone they can bring in, even if they’d want to.

We were willing to make compromises, and we were fortunate enough to have such brave parents that they agreed to change their lives at 55-years-old to help us.

Let’s just say that we saw what parenting without any outside help could do to one’s mental health, and we were sure we wanted to avoid that. We knew it takes a village to raise a child and didn’t want to be the only two adults in the village.

We also benefited from a large home that would give us plenty of space to have separate rooms. So, if we decide we don’t want to see each other’s faces for some time, the hide-away isn’t in the bathroom or the pantry — in case you’re wondering, we used this benefit quite a few times, so far.

The decision wasn’t on a whim, but instead, we gave it a good thought for the first few months of our son’s life.

The fact that my husband had an accident two weeks after we had our baby, which led him to have both hands in plaster casts followed by surgery on his left hand, helped us finalize our decision. It was a shock for us to go all by ourselves during those dreadful weeks.

Our baby, who decided to catch his first cold at six weeks and scare the crap out of us, also pushed us to ask for all the help we could get.

We also considered that my parents were getting older anyway and could use being closer to us.

So, we “proposed” to them, they said yes, and here we are today, almost two years later, still under the same roof. It’s not just because we’re quarantined, but because of the mutual benefits.

Except For One Friend, Nobody Encouraged Us

My sister said, “If you think you can do this, go for it. Though I don’t think I could…”

Other family members, aunts and uncles, in particular, were baffled and kept asking them what they were going to do for a living.

My father-in-law said something along the lines of, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, though you’re free to see for yourself.”.

The list of opinions that were either clearly against or moderately reserved was overwhelming.

There was only this friend, whose daughter was around 10 at the time, who said — “It’s going to be extremely helpful. You’ll need all the help you can get, and it’s a good thing you can get it.”

Here Was Our Plan

We wanted to help each other, support my dad to find a job, and offer my mother a salary for the “work hours” she would put in with our son.

We wanted to take over paying all the bills and groceries so my parents could ramp up their savings.

And we were (or sort of still are) hoping that within the next 8–9 years when our son becomes more independent, my parents can choose either to buy their own place with the money they’ve saved or to buy a property and rent it for an extra income as they will be approaching retirement age.

But Plans Are Meant to Fail, Right?

Less than a month after my father got a job as an electrician at a pharmaceutical storage house, he decided to quit his job and follow his passion. He wanted to become a programmer, something he fancied for some years, but for which he didn’t make serious efforts to achieve. He found a small private company willing to take him in and pay him a miserable salary while being trained on the job.

We were all in shock, and it was the first big reason for endless arguments in our recently extended family. My father just went on with doing it his way, pretty much like a spoiled child.

Then, as we started to get used to our new life, the pandemic came. We found out that my father-in-law has stage-four cancer. The cherry on top was that we were forced to shut down our holiday rental business — because of the pandemic and because my husband had to take care of his father.

We’ve lost a significant income source; we had to move our father-in-law in with us too, after his brain surgery; we were no longer able to pay my mother the promised salary. To top it off, my father shocked us one more time by deciding to take another job in the middle of the pandemic.

Luckily, his new job was paying him a lot more, which kind of compensated for our financial hit. Plus, his job as a programmer allowed him to work from home and be less exposed to the risks of getting COVID.

Life was teaching us the lesson of not relying too much on plans.

If We are to Count Our Blessings Today, We Can Say That…

We ended up living with all the grandparents under the same roof. Even though my father-in-law is very ill, my son was fortunate enough to interact with him for a while. And if I didn’t have my parents in with us, it would have been terribly hard for us to take care of grandpa.

The pandemic made us shut down pretty much anything and stay in survival mode. But with five adults in the house, our little boy still had plenty of opportunities for social interaction.

We’ve been through situations that almost broke us, though we’ve managed to keep it together without letting our stress affect our son too much.

With every person in the house that he interacts with, my son gets unique and different experiences. At 29 months old, he talks all day long, and he is a pretty friendly little boy despite having lived a significant part of his life in quarantine.

We are better parents thanks to having our parents live with us. We spend less time with our child than we would have done if we didn’t have the grandparents in. But when we’re together, it’s quality time. And when we’re not, we’re more than sure that our son enjoys spending time with people who genuinely love him.

While it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, all our obstacles have forced us to find solutions and better ourselves.

Our boy isn’t the only one growing. We’re also growing, developing new social skills, and learning how to be more flexible in our interactions with not-like-minded people (read stubborn parents).

Perhaps one of the most important things, we keep our parents close, so we can make sure that they take care of their health. After missing the cancer signs in my father-in-law, who lived alone, away from us, it’s a hard-learned lesson, yet one we’re grateful to have learned.

If You’re Wondering Whether you Should Bring Your Parents to Live in With You…

I’m sorry, I don’t have an answer for you. The thing is that, from all those people who initially discouraged us, many of them envy us today. We know it for a fact because they’ve said it already. I guess it’s because they only see the benefits we’ve been getting, but are clueless about the challenges we’re facing.

I can tell you that it’s going to be hard. And that both you and your parents must be willing to go through a lot of changes.

You also need to have a supportive partner. I didn’t mention it so far, but I have to say it — my husband was 110% onboard with the idea, whereas I was probably about only 80% convinced it was a smart thing to do.

And above anything else, you must know how to set limits and don’t allow your parents to change the way you feel about your relationship with your spouse. There will be arguments. Many arguments. Remember that you and your partner are a team and that together, you can find a solution for anything!

Regardless of what side of the fence you’re sitting on right now, remember that grass will always seem greener on the other side. Just know your interests, pick your side, and stop looking over the damn fence!