I Asked Mum Why She Hated My Pursuit of Wealth & Money. I [Finally] Got It.

It took me decades

For years, I never understood.

Mum harbored a visceral hatred towards people who worked for wealth and riches. To her, that was the first step towards moral, civic, and generational decline.

Unfortunately for her, she had me as a son.

My obsession with money upset her. Quite a bit, I must say.

And much to her dismay, I wasn’t bothered with her admonishments.

I was busy doing my best to escape poverty.

Money is the Line in the Sand.

My growing-up years shaped my thinking.

I wandered around the neighborhood with 20 cents in my pocket. Buying snacks was a problem. Forget Coke. That costs $0.35 at the discount store, whose mandate is to yank that final bag of coins from cheapskates.

I was worse than a cheapskate.

Financially.

As a result, I struggled with life. I worked part-time as a young kid. Comic store attendant, fast food cashier, newspaper dispatcher, man, I was all over the streets.

It made me happy.

I thought I was getting rich.

What a stupid and diligent boy, Aunt would say.

Mum was initially pleased. She thought,

• I was blessed with the family virtue of hard work.
• I was out there making money to supplement the household.
• I was adapting to the ways of the world at a young age so she could retire early.

It broke her when the truth was out of the bag.

“Mum, I just want to break out of poverty. There is no reason we are poor when we are willing. I want to get rich when I grow up.”

That statement, that one statement… drove a wedge between me and Mum forever since.

I never forgot what she said to me that fateful day.

“Son, I never knew that you had an evil* heart. I must have sinned. I am bringing you to the temple to cleanse your mind.”

[Actually, she used the word ‘black’. In Chinese, a black heart is associated with moral decay and financial greed. It was a sin.]

I was stumped. Speechless even.

But it never bothered me.

I forged ahead.

We quarreled multiple times. It was all about the money. Mum fought me on the line of life beyond and without The Big M.

The final straw came when Mum knew I got into Business School and the Finance major.

She left me alone for a good 2 years.

It did not bug me. I was busy devouring finance textbooks.

A Sad Story that Broke the Empathy Dam

Remember 2008?

That year, bad things happened.

Bankruptcies, evaporated wealth, big banks kaput, derivatives exploded, and I was about to graduate.

Troubles were brewing at home and on the employment front.

No banks wanted to hire me. Every HR director was busy retrenching, not hiring. After 2 tries, I gave up. I went full throttle on Management Consulting.

My B-School Dean said, ‘The hot money is with the consulting darlings.’ I took that to heart. I pivoted.

Things at home got worse.

Mum had an aunt [my grand-aunt] in Hong Kong. Her husband, a diligent worker in the maritime port, jumped.

He left behind a non-working wife, 3 kids, and $0 savings.

Yes, $0 savings. Why?

He parked his money on sub-prime mini-bonds Lehman Brothers paddled to innocent Joes and Janes on the street.

He lost everything.

And Mum lost it.

She shared the story and took it out on me.

“Greedy and evil people destroy the world. Why do you want to be one of them? Why do you want to be one of them?”

This time, I was at a loss for words.

I shut it when Mum spoke because she told me her Uncle-in-law jumped.

She cried. Mum was close to her Aunt. Mum worried she would follow.

Mum did not stop there. Her accusatory machine gun kept firing.

“What are you going to say now? That my Aunt should have money? That the young girls need to get out to work part-time while studying? To earn more money? Really?”

I stayed quiet.

I am not dumb. I can read the air.

Clearly, this is the time for healing. Not confrontation.

“Mum, I will buy you the air tickets. Go to Hong Kong. Go take care of your Aunt.”

She ignored me.

Mum bought her own tickets.

I guess she didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe… I reminded her of greedy bankers.

Maybe.

Our Family and Environment Shape Us

We respond to our environment differently.

Mum’s family is besieged with financial tragedies.

I don’t know why. No one does.

Mum grew up wanting nothing to do with money.

It was [rather] extreme. Mum was okay to work for free and not for money. Weird, I thought. I am the complete opposite.

Before 2008 was a story of emotional and financial betrayal. This time, Mum’s younger brother eloped with a younger [and richer] woman.

He left behind a non-working wife undergoing cancer treatment.

Mum disowned her brother. She called him a bunch of names.

“Money corrupts our hearts. Enough is good enough.”

Only this time, I was younger. 15? Maybe 16? I didn’t have empathy implanted in my heart. I said all the things that angered Mum. Sigh.

I continued my merry ways.

Today, I know better.

I used to be unkind to Mum’s negative view towards money. I would tell her that the world has changed, that there is no life without money, and that we must pay our bills.

Today, no longer.

I zip my lips.

Yes, I [still] work on what I believe in. Investments, compounded interests, and the like. I avoid such topics when I am home for weekly dinners.

Mum would smile and not say much.

It would be a brief carryover, if any.

“Have some soup, son. How is your work? Did you get your salary increment? Investments making you rich? Are you finally a millionaire?”

I would hold her hand gently and then smile.

“It is going fine, Mum. Don’t worry. I won’t do anything out of character.”

Mum smiled back.

I think that was what she wanted to hear from me decades back.

I hope I am not too late.

The Close

Money divides.

• It separates the high-income earners from the hand-to-mouth workers.
• It draws a line between the haves and the have-nots.
• It creates a conversation over the morality of money.

Mum and I are opposites. We fight over values.

It does not matter. Because we will come to an acceptance one day.

Mum said this to me yesterday.

“You are who you are. You will not change, Son. You are old enough. If money makes you happy, go for it. Just be responsible to the people around you, okay?”

I wondered what our relationship would be like if she said this decades ago. Would I have softened my stance? I don’t know.

I muttered okay, rather silently.

Mum smiled back. Quietly.

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Oh, oh, you can buy me a cup of black too! Thank you!