Relationships

I Requested a Sin From Her Past

Without proper reason to ask

I’ve been in correspondence with a beautiful woman overseas. It’s been a couple of weeks; I’ve long already fallen. But what else is to be expected?

To summarize her perfection:

— LIST REDACTED | 04/12/21 —

{{She’s very private.}}

We talk every day, often of substance. Yesterday, she sensed there were things I wanted to know, and offered I should ask.

Oddly, I became flustered.

There was now too much possibility of knowledge.

I began to feel self-conscious, realizing there were more things I didn’t want to know than things I did. To buy time, I went for this compelling little question:

“What’s something you’ve done in life for which you’ve felt shame?”

She evaded this one by questioning the meaning and significance of shame.

I refined:

“What is something you’ve done in life which could generally be considered wrong?”

Closer!

She asked me to justify why I wanted to know such a thing.

So I got to work, considering the various possibilities for why I could be interested in this particular aspect of her being.

The Outline of My Reasons —

1. Because I want to love everything about her.
2. Because I’m curious.
3. Because I have a weird fascination with Darkness.
4. Because I want to understand her on a deeper level, to feel closer to her, to experience existence from her perspective.
5. Because it’s specifically the kind of information she wants kept private, while I want her to submit.

I carefully explored every option, looking for any possible ways she could turn me down.

Here’s what I found —

1. Because I want to love everything about her.

It sounds good, in a cheesy kind of way. Except… she isn’t her past! People may change drastically in just a couple of years; I’ve proven that for myself. So it wouldn’t matter that something is part of her past, because it wouldn’t be part of her now.

This was also where I asked myself how I could be so head over heels about someone I knew so little. See the summary near the start of the article.

2. Because I’m curious.

I really gave it to myself for this one.

She owes me nothing!

Curiosity is just suffering because you don’t know something. I don’t need to suffer! This isn’t her responsibility to fulfill.

3. Because I have a weird fascination with Darkness.

It’s true, I really do. I’m still trying to understand the whole phenomenon. Chaos is an integral part of existence, and I believe it should be loved, and worshipped.

To reject evil is to reject the possibility of life.

There’s no one side to anything. Without love and hate, there’d be only bland indifference.

I quickly got off track with this one.

Her darkness is part of her. I aim to love all. But does this devalue my love for her? No… because not all love is equal? OR is that just a made up romantic way to perceive reality?

All love could be equal, but humans are egotistical and want to be loved on a special and unique level.

I’m essentially human still…

I decided to drop this whole approach.

4. Because I want to understand her on a deeper level, to feel closer to her, to experience existence from her perspective.

Obviously! Right?

People grow from their past, especially when it comes to impactful moments involving emotion and — possibly — self-reflection down the road…

So the more data I have of her timeline, the more complete of a picture I can create of her. I’ve already learned before the consequences of assuming too much based on limited information.

Perhaps it was the assuming at all which was the problem…

Either way, what if she says she doesn’t want me to know her that deeply, and that’s that?

That would be that.

5. Because it’s specifically the kind of information she wants to keep private, and I want her to submit to me.

Well… YES! Desperately so.

But then, can I really expect to have earned this??I may not be sure why she still talks to me, but I’m dead certain we’re not that close.

I’m a little nutty.

And I realize she really doesn’t know me that well. It doesn’t matter that I’ve spilled a lot about myself already, she has no real way of trusting any of it. At least she’ll believe me about liking control?

What I’m wanting with her is too intimate for this stage.

Especially considering that she’s already told me once now she’d only like to be friends. If anything, I’ll be happy to submit to her… to a certain extent.

And right there, you know I don’t deserve anything from her.

In Conclusion

My reasons for wanting to acquire such personal information from her are faulty and inadequate at this time.

And again, this entire experiment to justify receiving an answer was just a means to think over what I really want to know. It wasn’t a big mystery she wouldn’t be open to revealing this much about herself. I’d be surprised if she were comfortable telling me her favourite band from childhood.

I really don’t know that much about her. I’m convinced I don’t really need to, that what I know so far is enough to justify accepting everything else, regardless of what it is.

Especially as what pertains to her past.

I let her know I couldn’t justify receiving her answer, adding I’d be all ears if ever she felt it would be healthy for her to express anything to me.

All is well now.

I just need to figure out what I really want to know… or let myself find everything out with time.

Again, I’m being a little intense.

I told her I have no expectations of her, that my feelings will probably come to pass. I guess I’ve been saying that from the start. I might be creating my own chaos…

I guess we’ll see how it goes.

About the Author:

🔍 ㅤGustave Deresse Is a Truthful & Theatrical Métis-Canadian Writer, Editor, Wanderer, Cook, and Musical Artist Who Enjoys Exploring Themes as Spirituality, Logic, Life, Philosophy, Nature, Neurocognitive Psychology, Creativity, Writing, Humour, Inspiration, Music, Wellbeing — and the Weird.

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