I Apologize For Making Mari Lwyd, Welsh Nightmare Horse, The Theme Of This Year’s Holiday Pageant

Dear Family and Friends of the First-Grade Class of William Shoemaker Elementary,

Under direct pressure from the school board, I am writing to say I’m sorry that many of you were upset by last evening’s Kiddie Winter Pageant. You must understand that — even for the two-time best Primary School Dramaturg in the San Marino metropolitan area — planning a non-denominational, non-commercialized holiday performance is a tough nut to crack. “Mervyn,” I asked myself, “How can we speak to an audience of diverse faiths and cultures? How can we top last year’s ‘Sugarplum Fairyland’? And how can I incorporate all these leftover horse props from my unauthorized one-man show of Equus?”

I thought I had the perfect solution! Mari Lwyd is beloved. (In Wales.) She’s timeless. She’s a white-cloaked skeleton horse who stalks after nightfall to demand food, drink, and entry to your homes!!!

Truly, I’m a bit flummoxed by last night’s chilly reception.

Perhaps you just needed more context!! If you had listened to our first number (“Mari, Did You Know?”), you would have learned all kinds of darling tidbits of folklore about Mari Lwyd. Yet when Kaleigh and Jayden brought on the Great Bone Puppet for our big number (“I AM DEATH’S EMISSARY — PLY ME WITH ALE”), you couldn’t even hear the kids over your cries of DEAR GOD and WHAT IS THAT and IS THAT A REAL HORSE SKULL. With all due respect, I daresay that our audience had some things to learn about cultural sensitivity and theater etiquette!

Maybe the puppet should have been less than eight feet tall? Maybe I should have cleaned the skull after purchasing it from the slaughterhouse? Maybe it was disconcerting to include a photo of the late horse in your programs? (Her name was “Lucky”!) I hear you. That’s on me. But I bet you’d have gotten used to it if you’d stayed for the dream ballet (“Ting Ting — How My Vertebrae Rattle!”).

I also understand that there have been many complaints about the traditional “Battle of Rhymes” (or pwnco) between Mari Lwyd and our audience volunteer. (The grandfather of our class president, Kevin Jenkins!) You see, I had asked the children to select a spectator to face off against She Whose Mane is Cobwebs. I suspect they chose the elderly Mr. Jenkins because they wanted to push his wheelchair. Unfortunately, when he awoke from his light nap to the eyeless gaze of Mari Lwyd and the horse-masked children’s chorus chanting “RHYME FOR YOUR LIFE, OLD MAN,” I daresay the excitement of being onstage was just too much for him!!! Acting is not for the faint of heart. But worry not — the Jenkins family reports that it was only a minor stroke!

Finally, let me clear up a teeny misunderstanding about our play’s finale (“We Submit, Bone-Riddler — Empty Our Larders and Leave Us in Peace!”). In order to maintain your suspension of disbelief, I decided that it was crucial that, for the feast scene, our Mari Lwyd should be equipped with a throat and stomach (a.k.a. a PVC pipe and an extra large balloon.) Alas, I did not foresee that, when the students poured a child-sized tub of Beefaroni into her open maw, the balloon would burst with window-rattling force. Talk about holiday magic! Anyway, I’m sorry that the first three rows were coated in expired, room-temp Chef Boyardee. And that several people vomited. And that the school custodian quit. Apparently, not everyone is ready for immersive theater!

In conclusion, in this season of charity, I beg your indulgence. Next year, under the direct supervision of the PTA, I can guarantee a more appropriate holiday theme, such as Jolly Home Invader Eats Your Cookies and Milk, Sentient Snow Abomination, The Three Spies of King Baby-Slayer, and Oppression by the Seleucid Empire (This Cruel War Has Corrupted Most of Our Oil.)

Sincerely,

Mervyn Pumphrey, Thespian

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