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Abstract

l — because you have a wounded inner child too! I see it in what you say about other family members behind their backs, even mine!I feel your wound, I know it — because I have suffered it too, But I have taken the time to unpack and cradle her.It was a shit prison.That dysfunctional family dynamic, If I don’t give anything, then I just suck.One year I sent an explanation, to my sibling — the fierce matriarchal one: “I decided this year to give the cash I usually spend on posting out Christmas cards — to charity instead!”“Chantal, why can’t you do both!”I felt shamed. Again.Why can’t my family see me for who I am, that I struggle with Christmas? It’s a trigger. A revolt.Since having my daughter, I have become much better at it.Please see that, What I have managed to do, Are you not happy with that?One year, I came into a little more money and so I was able to push the boat out. It didn’t make any difference. I still felt not good enough.Another Christmas, I had even less money than the usual not enough. The children opened my token gifts — expressionless — tossed them aside moving on to the next.They were caught up in the excitement. Ahh kids. Bless! And I am caught up in excruciating knots.What the fuck is this all about anyway. What happened to the humble nature of Christmas? It’s all should’ve with family.These are the thoughts that have gone around in my head for the last few weeks; the anticipation of the gift-buying for the little cherubs. There are a lot of them, if I get that for one family, I’ll have to do it for the others!More thoughts… I have so much to pay out and my financial situation is unpredictable— again, but hey!Nonetheless, it is more about my wounded family ties. I have no contact with my mother or

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my father. <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-mourn-for-my-parents-who-dont-know-how-to-love-me-67e180e7f286">They haven’t been together</a> since I was a child. All of us siblings have been affected by our childhood and parents, in our separate ways.My therapist brought to light my co-dependency, and so working through that I have now been able to visualize for the first time in my life: the lack of <a href="https://holistichealthcounselingcenter.com/codependency-in-sibling-relationships-effective-ways-to-implement-healthy-boundaries/#:~:text=Set%20aside%20time%20to%20focus,consistent%20in%20enforcing%20these%20boundaries.">healthy boundaries</a>, shaming, and criticizing behavior — that I feel I have endured — from them.I used to overshare my life. You know, the usual — relationships and money problems. This is a sign of co-dependency. I have now pulled away from my family while I work on myself, and re-establish how to build who I am, along with courage. The courage in finding my truth, being my truth, and telling my truth.Who am I?I want to discover me, Chantal. The woman whose soul wasn’t created to feel bad, guilty, manipulated, or shamed.I want to be heard, seen, and accepted without the constraints of what others want me to be — to fit their narrative.I am a woman, who was created to shine in my unique bohemian way, even if that means being a beautifully unorthodox, extroverted-introverted free spirit. Such a mouthful.It isn’t an easy task while I sift through the rigidness of indoctrinated beliefs to make full contact with the authentic me, and not a scared and naughty child.Nonetheless, for 2024, I will work towards the commitment of discovering who it is I truly am — and for as long as I live on this Earth. I long to make decisions that aren’t based on codependency traits.Who else is up for this?Happy New Year 2024© Chantal Weiss 2023. All Rights Reserved</article></body>

CHRISTMAS | CODEPENDENCY

I Am Woman — Created to Be Awesome as Just Me

Reclaiming who I am meant to be and not what you want me to be

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are” Brene Brown

As I lay in bed, hand on my chest — silencing my mind, I had an epiphany. I could see with sharp clarity that I am unable to fully connect to myself; that my subconscious has forever been caught up in how I have to be for others. Especially my family.

How I should act, like a play, waiting for permission, waiting for approval, waiting for an encore.

Congratulations, you did well — Chantal!

For you, yes— but what about me?

It all came about with the onset of Christmas.

Should I buy Christmas presents for every family member — at least my nieces and nephews? I don’t want to be mean!

But I have to be so careful with money this year! Like every year.

So, if I can’t and just send family cards — will they feel hurt? After all, I have given gifts every year — for years. At least I am thinking of them — even though we don’t often meet.

And then the guilt comes through.

They have been kind to me, And I know how much they expect it back, It’s so much pressure!

I keep telling them — NO — please don’t buy me anything, I can’t afford to buy you back, I don’t have the same money as you.

I know all too well your love isn’t unconditional — because you have a wounded inner child too! I see it in what you say about other family members behind their backs, even mine!

I feel your wound, I know it — because I have suffered it too, But I have taken the time to unpack and cradle her.

It was a shit prison.

That dysfunctional family dynamic, If I don’t give anything, then I just suck.

One year I sent an explanation, to my sibling — the fierce matriarchal one: “I decided this year to give the cash I usually spend on posting out Christmas cards — to charity instead!”

“Chantal, why can’t you do both!”

I felt shamed. Again.

Why can’t my family see me for who I am, that I struggle with Christmas? It’s a trigger. A revolt.

Since having my daughter, I have become much better at it.

Please see that, What I have managed to do, Are you not happy with that?

One year, I came into a little more money and so I was able to push the boat out. It didn’t make any difference. I still felt not good enough.

Another Christmas, I had even less money than the usual not enough. The children opened my token gifts — expressionless — tossed them aside moving on to the next.

They were caught up in the excitement. Ahh kids. Bless! And I am caught up in excruciating knots.

What the fuck is this all about anyway. What happened to the humble nature of Christmas? It’s all should’ve with family.

These are the thoughts that have gone around in my head for the last few weeks; the anticipation of the gift-buying for the little cherubs. There are a lot of them, if I get that for one family, I’ll have to do it for the others!

More thoughts… I have so much to pay out and my financial situation is unpredictable— again, but hey!

Nonetheless, it is more about my wounded family ties. I have no contact with my mother or my father. They haven’t been together since I was a child. All of us siblings have been affected by our childhood and parents, in our separate ways.

My therapist brought to light my co-dependency, and so working through that I have now been able to visualize for the first time in my life: the lack of healthy boundaries, shaming, and criticizing behavior — that I feel I have endured — from them.

I used to overshare my life. You know, the usual — relationships and money problems. This is a sign of co-dependency. I have now pulled away from my family while I work on myself, and re-establish how to build who I am, along with courage. The courage in finding my truth, being my truth, and telling my truth.

Who am I?

I want to discover me, Chantal. The woman whose soul wasn’t created to feel bad, guilty, manipulated, or shamed.

I want to be heard, seen, and accepted without the constraints of what others want me to be — to fit their narrative.

I am a woman, who was created to shine in my unique bohemian way, even if that means being a beautifully unorthodox, extroverted-introverted free spirit. Such a mouthful.

It isn’t an easy task while I sift through the rigidness of indoctrinated beliefs to make full contact with the authentic me, and not a scared and naughty child.

Nonetheless, for 2024, I will work towards the commitment of discovering who it is I truly am — and for as long as I live on this Earth. I long to make decisions that aren’t based on codependency traits.

Who else is up for this?

Happy New Year 2024