I Am Toxic

I needed to change

I had been into unhealthy romantic relationships and friendships. I was just one of them.

The day I have decided to leave them all behind was the day I was born into becoming the woman I wanted to be.

I wanted to share my experience with my ex-boyfriend. I am not saying that he was a bad guy or an asshole, but he was somehow a toxic person. He wasn’t a narcissist, but he was good at faking shit.

In January 2019, I caught him cheating on me. He denied it. I told him that I wasn’t going to be mad at him or I wasn’t going to leave him if he told me the truth.

So, He told me that he cheated on me, and the girl he was in his car was his new girl.

I went to my medical appointment that day, but I didn’t tell him that I had a medical meeting.

The clinic that I was going to was closer to the mall.

I caught him in his white Range Rover car with a girl. Although his car window was tinted, I knew his car driver’s plate number. I could see him through his tinted window car.

I honestly didn’t want to believe it was him. I didn’t take a picture as a piece of evidence. I was overthinking, and of course, I was devastated.

I confronted him two days later. He denied it, saying that I had to show him proof. He was lying. He said he stayed at home all day, and he didn’t go anywhere else. If he went out, he would have told me. He blamed me for going out without telling him. He got mad at me for not telling him I went to the medical clinic.

Anyway, we remained together in a relationship after that confrontation.

Five months later, I cheated on him. I cheated in revenge for what he did. I never told him that I cheated on him.

We both broke up with each other. We both decided to split up because it wasn’t working out and that I didn’t have any feelings for my ex-boyfriend anymore. He felt that too. He thought I didn’t have any feelings for him, and I changed how I treated him. I treated him not as a lover but just as a friend. I barely tell him how much I love him.

We were both toxic in our relationship that we choke on ourselves.

When we broke up, I went out with the guy I was cheating with, and we both had fun together. Suddenly he stopped talking to me.

It was then I realized that my life was f*cked up. I was even more devastated. Having two people who left my life, two heartbreaks simultaneously, and I had to move on from both of them.

I still had feelings for my ex at that time, even though I liked someone else.

To wash away any trace of toxicity, I have to heal myself first. Crying is essential when you experience heartbreak. We all shouldn’t deny that we need to cry out somehow when someone breaks our hearts.

I could never imagine that I would get two heartbreaks at the same time.

To wash away all toxicity, I have to let them go. When the new guy left, I tried to get him back because I liked him and wanted to be with him, but I had to let them go. I had to let go of them both.

I was toxic — perhaps the most toxic in the relationship. I have to change my way of thinking. I have to change the way I see life. I have to change my lifestyle. Maybe I am the one that is toxic and not them. Perhaps I had an unhealthy relationship with my ex-boyfriend because I was toxic, which made our relationship even more harmful.

To clear off my toxicity, I need to recognize and acknowledge that I am the toxic one. I am the one who needs to change. I need to identify which personality I have that makes me toxic. Nobody wants to be around a toxic person.

Response to the prompt Friday: Washing away any trace of toxic energies