I Am The Master of Adulting

There’s no situation too small that I can’t cope with. I’m in control of everything. No bed that can’t be made. No rent that can’t be paid. No app that I can’t download. No dance moves I can’t decode.

Behold at the sight of me whizzing along on my man-scooter. I have no need for cars. I am a man of the age. A golden child hurled forth from the frothy sauce of Kidhood.

I am Adult™.

I’ve mastered the shoelace. Destroyed the necktie. Have an annual membership to the swimming pool where I debunk the myth that large men sink like stones. I am the seminal defined male who is in touch with all his feelings. I can fill the emotional well with succulent support.

I defy the inner child. I pour scorn on the obfuscated lost boys.

I am full of confidence and can navigate from A to B in one straight line without needing to GPS my way home.

Look at me. I’ve just eaten another avocado. Look how my originality shines. It wasn’t just on toast. It was on special fine Danish Crust cultivated by yeast-carrying enigma ants who can flounder in a circle so fast they go up in flames. This highly sought after but rarely seen bread costs a fortune but the taste…oh my god, the taste is just to die for! It takes 62 years of squeezing yeast out of the ants to make a single loaf.

Watch and learn. I’m walking down the street filming LIVE from my mobile. I’ve got so many great things to yell at you today.

Every word I say is a truth bomb!

Striding through this street like a BOSS! That’s right, I’m giving the world an insight into greatness. These are mad tips! How insane is it that I can do video…LIVE! ON THE STREET! I’ve got so much to say.

Stare in disbelief. I’m in my favorite squatting spot. Isn’t it awesome? How inspiring am I? Cross-legged, shoe-less, and with a magnificent view. My day simply can’t get any better.

I’m living EVERY moment as if it’s my LAST!

All eyes are on me. I can’t believe I’m meeting my good friend and close acquaintance from the world of Linkedin. We spoke online. Not traditional face-to-face speaking, you know, with words and actual talk. We’re more modern than that. We’re so 2076. We communicate without even communicating. We’re going to be the bestest of bros! I’m so excited. I have to video our collab meet-up. You’ll be so inspired by two semi-strangers meeting for coffee in a coffee shop. IN REAL LIFE! So authentic.

I go to adult parties where I drink fine liquid without spewing. I eat with cutlery and when the chicken arrives, I’m unafraid to clench it with both hands.

I gnaw in the face of manners.

I know who I am. I no longer need to seek reassurance from my mum.

I have set goals. I make a budget and stick to it.

I smash avocado and dine out on cheese toasties. I now call the toasties Du Pain avec Fromage. I speak no other language but every other language with the confidence of a true illiterate. I’m eating nothing but Faux Bull Penis harvested by Peruvian candle-makers with a garnish of California beansprouts.

I bought a dog who I named Wilbur. I’ve kept him alive for two whole weeks. He admires the way I pour his food and clean up his mess (most of the time). People stop and marvel at the way I clench a leash. My tight reign reflects my Adulting strategy.

I am truly gifted at being older.

Clap with unashamed joy when I visit my parents just to say hi. They can’t believe how much wiser I’ve become since attaining Adulthood status. Their smiles are all the rewards I need for being a true Adulting Hero™.

I’ve made Instagram posts of my Adulting strategies. I have become an Adulting LEGEND. My daily follower count grows with each nipple reveal and bro hug. True Adults aren’t afraid of their sexuality and my fans adore my humble approach to conquering Adulthood.

I’ve even made plans. Grand sweeping plans and set goals.

No longer do I sit around in my sweatpants throwing potato chips at the screen. Cheese-coated fingers belong in the past, to the old me, the child who screamed when the missus told me to turn off my Playstation. I’m orientated to achievement. I shall become rich with experiences.

How special am I?

How lucky am I to be living this life? Hashtag blessed!

Peek this way. I’m crashing hard. I’m missing my BFF. I’m not sure how I can go on with the rest of my day. It’s been 20 minutes since we parted. I’m recording this in my car because I don’t have the energy to walk. I just feel devastated. I miss them so much. I hope you all relate. My heart feels heavy. It’s an unbearable sadness. Please pray for me.

Attention on me.

Hey everyone. I’m fine now. I’m in recovery. I’m on the nine-step program of inspiration lift-off. I read about it online. I can’t recommend this enough. You too can reinvent yourself. Recharge. Re-imagine the world.

Such a great day. Look, another 4000 followers!”

This is the new me.

Adulthood. Like a BOSS.

Use this referral below so I can hijack a portion of your membership fees and spread intolerant views, lewd behavior, and gut-wrenchingly bad prose.

And if that’s not to your liking, then you can either fuck off or simply subscribe in the knowledge that you are in the company of an inscrutable swine who doesn’t give any fucks.