avatarMichael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) 😬

Summary

The article humorously details the author's preference for posing at the pool without legs or a brain, focusing on physical appearance and self-admiration.

Abstract

The author of the piece, in a satirical tone, describes his choice to remove his legs and brain for comfort and focus, respectively. He emphasizes his dedication to maintaining a muscular physique and a hairless body, with particular pride in his belly button, butt, and bulge. The author also mocks societal standards of beauty and the obsession with physical perfection, as well as the culture of self-promotion on social media. He invites readers to join him in his lifestyle, suggesting that his lack of legs and a brain is a small price to pay for his perceived aesthetic superiority.

Opinions

  • The author satirically expresses a preference for form over function, prioritizing appearance and comfort in an extreme manner.
  • He ridicules the idea of physical perfection by taking it to an absurd level, such as removing body parts and constantly maintaining a specific pose.
  • The author pokes fun at the excessive use of social media and self-branding, indicating a critique of the culture surrounding personal image and validation.
  • There is a clear mockery of the overemphasis on body image and the lengths people go to for physical attractiveness, including plastic surgery and obsessive grooming.
  • The piece humorously suggests that the author's lifestyle choices, despite being impractical and nonsensical, are justified by his belief in his own coolness and attractiveness.

I am the Man Who Poses Like This When I’m at the Pool

With apologies to Christine Stevens* at The Haven

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

I just find it more comfortable

Getting into or out of the pool makes me really uncomfortable. So usually I pose, poised between entering and exiting the pool, flexed in semi-bar dip position like this, ripped muscles bulging. The only time I change my stance is when my “glisten” fades. Then I dip into the pool again and reemerge, sleek, dripping, and dreamy, just like in the picture perfect picture above. Doesn’t every man do this?

I know other men have legs, but I had mine removed. I didn’t like them. They weren’t ugly or anything, but they did cause problems. Some people called me “bird legs” because I spent all my time working out my upper body. Now I can focus.

Speaking of focus, I also had the top half of my head removed. Without a brain it is harder to concentrate, but all I have to think about is smiling engagingly. Oh, and my dimple, and a little bit about the best dental whitening strips.

I’ve been much happier since I got rid of my lower limbs and that thinky thing.

I kept my belly button

That is important, and rad, and gnarly and dope, dude and bro and brah. I don’t know why, but it is. Oh wait!, I do know why. When I lay on my back eating hard boiled eggs and chunks of meat— packed with muscle-building protein — I keep the salt in my belly button. That’s why.

Also, just like being perched poolside is perfect for me, I become a TOTAL “roid-rager” if people can’t see my rippling six-pack punctuated by my bodacious belly button.

Here’s a roster of my most rad features, ranked.

  1. My belly button! I think I covered that above, but I do love it. That whole salt thing is so dope too, just like my navel.
  2. My butt. I did keep that cuz it’s taut and curvy. Plus it holds up my Bay Watch knock-off red trunks.
  3. My bulge. You can’t really see it in this photo, but my johnson is, well, PRONOUNCED. I’m not at all shy about it. Why should I be? My thousands of friends call me the tool with the tool. They REALLY REALLY mean it. That’s a real compliment.
  4. My “smooth.” You’ll notice, there’s not a hair on my body. I’m good at a bunch of stuff — smiling, tooth whitening, flossing, dimples, hair removal and manscaping in general, but especially hair removal. Being manscaped 24/7/365 is the most important thing in the world, so I own: the weed whacker, the plow, hair-and-there, follicle-free AF, and the buzzard. It’s working for me, huh?
  5. My fine fingernails. World peace?! Who cares?! My manicure matters most. Nuff said! Right? Right!

Now if all this doesn’t make you realize that I’m cool, dope, wet, dank, rad and even bitchin’ and EXCELLENT then I don’t know what would.

So shawty. Let’s hang out some time. I’ll come to your crib. We can Netflix and chill.

I’m easy to spot. Just look for my nicely filled out red shorts, my skin-tight white wife beater, or if you’re REALLY lucky, no shirt at all, and, of course, my hairless perfect bod and half-a-head. That’s how I roll.

I don’t have legs or a brain

I actually didn’t consider it too much when I had those cut off. But yeah, I’m kinda stuck in the spot you see above. So, you’ll have to come fetch me. You’ll have to drive too. You REALLY don’t want me behind the wheel of a car. I’m cute but brainless and that’s gotta be some kind of recipe for disaster.

If you want to see more pictures of me, just ask. My phone is full of them. They all look just like the one you’ve been drooling over, cuz really, what else is there worth looking at?

If that’s not enough for you, you can also check: Facebook, YouTube, Reddit, Quora, Tik Tok, Snapchat, Reddit, Etsy, Stack, Twitter, IG, My Space , The Encyclopedia Britannica, LinkedIn, and more, for still more great pics of me. They all look just like this.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Yeah, I’m still stuck like that, but looking dazzling.

Why don’t all bros everywhere pose like this all the time? That’s what I don’t understand. Cuz it makes my buff self feel…

…so guapo!!!

*This is where all the trouble started 👇 (PLEASE NOTE: I stole my story idea from hers with her permission!)

Humor
Satire
Comedy
Society
Culture
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