I Am That Person That Stains A New Outfit On The First Time Wearing It

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f I stain it? Omg, I need to be really careful not to stain it. And what did I do after my first time wearing it? I got it stained by accident. As soon as I got back home after wearing it safely all day, it was raining a lot. The wet door from my building somehow touched my new jacket and left a mark. It was enough for me to fall apart.You probably are thinking, how something so small can make a woman crumble down? Well, as my therapist told me after, it’s not about the stain but what the stain represents in my life.Let’s go back on time. When I was two years old, I was adopted, and differently from other kids, I was quiet and well behaved. I think I didn’t want to cause problems because I was afraid that my adoptive parents would return me, so I knew I needed to be good, or even more, perfect. So I tried my best to be a good daughter. This led me to avoid making mistakes, or when I made mistakes being really hard on myself. We are in 2021, but I still resent the mistakes I made in 2018. I resent myself.After seeing the stain, I first said: I don’t deserve good things, and why can I never have good things? OK, I was playing the victim, but 30 years ago, I was a victim, I was abandoned, and this is an unhealed wound that I still need to work on. This stain brings me back to the feeling

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of hopelessness and impotence, of no matter how hard you try to have “your shit together”, you cannot do it. It’s bigger than you, and you are not enough.Another point is that I love having control over things. I don’t like messiness, I want to be on top of things, and a stain is something I can’t control. Again, I was feeling like drying ice. And this is a feeling I have been having for the past two years. So everything hit me at once. That little girl is trying to live her perfect life and failing. (Because life is not perfect).All the peace and happiness I had been feeling for the past weeks are thrown by the window. I feel stressed and overwhelmed again. But that’s part of the healing process. And I know I am back to this spot because there is still stuff I need to overcome. I need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes no matter how painful they are because they are part of living and learning. Those stains will happen all the time, no matter how hard we try to control them. Life is about embracing the stains and not avoiding them.By the way, I was able to clean the stain and then I realised that it got stained in other parts, the problem was not with me, it was with the textile. Maybe we aren’t the wrong ones, but just life that is more fragile than we think.</article></body>

Life is about embracing the stains.

I thought I was doing well. For the past few weeks, I have been telling my partner I feel happy and at peace, and then something happened last Saturday.

Again, for the readers who know me, I have been struggling financially for over two years now, and I have a full-time job and an Emergency Fund, but things are tight, and I still can’t afford most of the things I want. And I worry about money all the time (still).

Because of Black Friday, I finally decided to buy a jacket I wanted so badly. Well, a cheaper version of a jacket that I wanted so badly because even with a discount I can’t afford the one that I really wanted. But, I bought the copy for £35, which is not a lot of money, but it’s almost my weekly food budget.

And the jacket arrived. I was happy, but then I got afraid. What if I stain it? Omg, I need to be really careful not to stain it. And what did I do after my first time wearing it? I got it stained by accident. As soon as I got back home after wearing it safely all day, it was raining a lot. The wet door from my building somehow touched my new jacket and left a mark. It was enough for me to fall apart.

You probably are thinking, how something so small can make a woman crumble down? Well, as my therapist told me after, it’s not about the stain but what the stain represents in my life.

Let’s go back on time. When I was two years old, I was adopted, and differently from other kids, I was quiet and well behaved. I think I didn’t want to cause problems because I was afraid that my adoptive parents would return me, so I knew I needed to be good, or even more, perfect. So I tried my best to be a good daughter. This led me to avoid making mistakes, or when I made mistakes being really hard on myself. We are in 2021, but I still resent the mistakes I made in 2018. I resent myself.

After seeing the stain, I first said: I don’t deserve good things, and why can I never have good things? OK, I was playing the victim, but 30 years ago, I was a victim, I was abandoned, and this is an unhealed wound that I still need to work on. This stain brings me back to the feeling of hopelessness and impotence, of no matter how hard you try to have “your shit together”, you cannot do it. It’s bigger than you, and you are not enough.

Another point is that I love having control over things. I don’t like messiness, I want to be on top of things, and a stain is something I can’t control. Again, I was feeling like drying ice. And this is a feeling I have been having for the past two years. So everything hit me at once. That little girl is trying to live her perfect life and failing. (Because life is not perfect).

All the peace and happiness I had been feeling for the past weeks are thrown by the window. I feel stressed and overwhelmed again. But that’s part of the healing process. And I know I am back to this spot because there is still stuff I need to overcome. I need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes no matter how painful they are because they are part of living and learning. Those stains will happen all the time, no matter how hard we try to control them. Life is about embracing the stains and not avoiding them.

By the way, I was able to clean the stain and then I realised that it got stained in other parts, the problem was not with me, it was with the textile. Maybe we aren’t the wrong ones, but just life that is more fragile than we think.