I Am Single Because I Have Been Lying to Myself

Facing the truth of my single life

Two weeks ago, my friend and neighbor, Kay, told me she would set up a date for me with her friend. I am relatively new on the block where I live. Since Kay and I started talking about random things, she has told me about her troubles with boys.

According to her, boys are just all about sex and nothing more. She told me she had recently broken up with a guy who says she doesn’t love him because she wouldn’t have unprotected sex with him. She said she is looking for something serious, but that’s like searching for piety in the devil’s pockets. I told her I am single and looking for something serious, but the girls I have been meeting are unserious lots.

Isn’t it funny how “everybody” is looking for a committed relationship, and mysteriously there is nobody who is looking for a committed relationship at the same time? Girls claim boys want to hit and run, and boys claim girls are all about the money and stuff but not ready to commit.

Kay brought out her phone, logged into Facebook, and showed me her friend’s Facebook profile. Although short (I like long legs), the lady looked beautiful. Her face was like a finely painted mahogany wood. She was a brown skin girl with a Blue Ivy kind of smile. She had a fleshy body, just how I liked it.

Here we go with another first date. I have been having one too many for a while now. Going on many first dates is exhausting. You have to go through the same old talk about where you work, what you do for fun, where you grew up, and whatnot. I have not been fortunate with ladies I randomly meet on the street, in a bar, or a supermarket.

The other time, I was in the supermarket shopping. While I was standing at the tea section trying to decide which of two brands I would go for, I saw a pretty and curvy lady walking close. She stopped just beside me, scanned through the tea stocks, and said aloud, “I can’t even find this tea here.” I jumped in, “What brand are you looking for?” She told me the name, and we got on some small talks, after which I got her number.

I called, she picked up to tell me how busy she is. Fair enough. After repeated trials to fix a date to no avail and no green light, I receded. That’s just how much I can go with someone I don’t think is interested in me.

This is just one amongst many. When I meet a girl, we only talk for a time or two. If I see any signs of disinterest, I delete the number and move on.

I have not found my type. I need a girl I can have with me on my lifeboat, one whose smiles light up the whole world and her eyes radiate the kindness of the universe ( I heard all these in a movie, though). One that doesn’t play hard to get, nice, welcoming, can hold a conversation, smart and with a touch of sexiness.

Apparently, those kinds of girls do not exist. If they do, I believe I would have found one. Every girl I meet, I find a reason to walk out of it before it gets complicated. She is either too tall or too short. Too fat or too thin. Too talkative or too taciturn. I ghost on the girl, or she ghosts on me. The person you want doesn’t want you, and the person you don’t want wants you. That is the story of my life.

I was hoping this one will be different. I was looking forward to the date.

I was excited to meet Kays friend. And then, I wasn’t excited. My excitement turned to anxiety. I know it is natural to be anxious when planning a first date. I had questions; Would I like her in real life? Would she like me, too? However, my anxiety was above what I consider normal.

I was having the strong feeling that it would be a waste of time. No matter how beautiful a lady is., no matter how much I like her, something will pull me away. I am good at finding faults. Before now, I thought the girls were the problem. They are not the problem. It’s me.

I didn’t want to see Kay’s friend anymore. I was sure it would not end in a good way. Well, what is the probability that it would? Every first date I have had in a long time has all ended in first dates.

Thinking about meeting Kay’s new friend made me realize I am the problem. As the saying goes, “If you have the same problem with everyone, maybe it’s time you take a look at the mirror.”

It became time for me to look in the mirror. And now I see I was the problem all along. I am scared of commitment. I want it. I dream about it. I talk about how much I want it. The thought of it sounds great. However, I fear it. Maybe I don’t think I am deserving, or I have created unrealistic fantasies in my head. I am looking for what doesn’t exist and hoping to find it.

“I haven’t found the one” is what I tell myself when I am lonely and question why I am single. It makes sense. Anyone who hears it will buy it. I have bought the lies I have been telling myself. And it has been serving its purpose. It has kept me from hurting anyone, and it has also prevented my fragile heart from getting hurt.

Well, just one thing it doesn’t do — It doesn’t give me the partnership and companionship I seek. Now I see clearer. I can’t eat my cake and still have it. Either I continue to be alone and lie to myself, or I find perfection in an imperfect being and risk getting hurt. I choose the latter. There is nothing worse than lying to myself.

I am already talking to Kay’s friend. We have a date this weekend.