I Am Really Tired Of Being Asked, “What About Men?”

And honestly, if it’s such a big matter, why aren’t men making DV shelters for men?

In my recent article about Walkaway Wife Syndrome, I had a barrage of comments from men. Almost all of them involve some kind of form of, “But what about men who have this happen?”

It wasn’t just the Walkaway Wife article, either. When I talked about how Redditors made me lose my faith in men, the first thing that I got from a guy was how “Men get trolled by women too.”

I’m not going to try to front, I’m getting real sick of this.

As someone who writes about feminism and presents females, I should be used to this. These types of guys can’t seem to stand the spotlight being on anyone but them. But frankly, I’m kind of done trying to field bad faith arguments — and that’s precisely what these kinds of interjections are.

Men know that women know bad things happen to men, too.

I’m the last person who would try to negate what happens with guys. I’ve seen good men horribly harmed by women who were out for money or a new abuse target. We’ve all seen this. It’s foolish to say it doesn’t happen.

However, when I’m writing an article about women, who statistically are far more likely to suffer at the hands of a partner, I don’t think it’s necessary to write about how men can hurt too. Why? Because the article is not about them.

Women are not saying they’re perfect and innocent. They’re saying, “Hey, statistically, we’re more likely to be hurt by this. And this is a gendered issue because men are refusing to take responsibility for this.”

Let’s be real. Men who ask “but what about men?!” are not making a good faith argument. They know that women know that bad shit happens to men too.

The thing is, this argument is meant to derail the topic. It’s about shifting the blame back to women. And everyone knows this, and it’s really fucking annoying.

I’ve written tons of articles about the problems of men.

Men have tons of problems. A dating scene that’s getting increasingly rough, a radicalizing social media sphere, being told shitty advice, and being lost in what it means to be a man are serious issues.

They should be discussed, which is why I, as a feminist, discuss them. If you were to read some of the comments I get on those, though, you’d understand why few women even bother to broach them. I get serious berating from the very men whose issues I try to amplify!

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing about them. Why? Because feminism is about doing the right thing and taking into consideration nuances that make men men, make women women, and make nonbinary people awesome.

This means that women who baby trap men should be held accountable legally and socially. It means that male teachers shouldn’t have a stigma attached to them and that guys stop being told they’re “babysitting” their kids.

But here’s the thing.

Part of being a functional member of society is realizing when you’re acting like a shitbag. And I think that men who ask “what about men” tend to know that they’re giving a bad faith argument or complaint.

Saying bad things happen to men is a lot like seeing someone with a house on fire, then having the neighbor say, “Crap, the fire caught onto my bush and it’s now a pile of ashes. We’re both in horrible trouble!”

Yes, both things are bad. But at the end of the day, one person is homeless and the other has a shitty looking thing that was once a bush. These two things are not equal, and treating them like they’re equal is not okay.

But these men know that. Y’all ain’t stupid. We all know what this really is about, and men who don’t do this are fucking embarrassed by you.

Not every article is going to include men in the spotlight or make an exception for men who do the right thing.

In school, we all had that one kid who could not stand to be ignored. Or rather, the kid who would throw a tantrum when he was not the center of attention and constantly being praised. He was above reproach or else he’d make everyone’s lives hell.

Do you remember how that kid was treated by others? Even teachers? I’ll tell you because for a while, I was that kid. That kid was treated like shit until they grew the fuck up and stopped making everything about them. If they didn’t, guess what? They end up being very alone.

Eventually, one of two things happens to that kid. Either the kid eventually gets away from the toxicity that made them that way, or the kid ends up being an emotionally stunted kidult who turns into a total failure. Like, most people like that cannot even hold a job at McDonald’s. It’s bad.

One of the hardest things about being a functional person is realizing that you are not the center of the universe. You’re not! People aren’t going to coddle you or make an exception for you. People aren’t always going to mention your demographic, either. That’s life.

And you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes, you have to take the backseat for things to be better for everyone. And sometimes, doing that makes you learn empathy and social skills.

It sure beats being the dude wailing about people not paying attention to him on the internet while invading a blog meant to be a safe space for discussion, no?

If men really cared so much about their issues, they wouldn’t push the burden on women.

Real talk. Do you know what demographic tends to be the biggest names in Planned Parenthood and domestic violence shelters? Women. Why? Because most men either don’t care about those topics or don’t want those institutions to exist.

By all means, I want to see men talk about the issues that they’ve faced in a constructive manner. I also want to see men asking themselves, “What occurred here that made things wrong? Did (person) warn me that this would happen? Were there warning signs?”

I also want to see men who are so passionate about asking women “what about men” do something for themselves. I mean, surely they must care, right? It’s not like the most common time to search up International Men’s Day is on International Women’s Day, right?

Oh wait, that’s right…Men only really ask about International Men’s Day on International Women’s Day. I guess that really shows where those particular men’s thoughts are.

Guys who do this don’t care about November 19. If those men really, truly cared about men’s issues, they’d be the guys they wished they’d had as kids. They’d be leading and advising and empowering boys, not teaching boys to blame all their shortcomings on others.

Unfortunately, most of the time, when men ask me “what about men?,” it’s more about pushing the responsibility of men onto women and nonbinary people. Enbies and women already have too much on their plate — dealing with the inequalities society places on them.

The bottom line here is that men need to stop acting like every discussion needs to focus on them.

Not every article is going to be about women. Not every article is going to be about men. Not every discussion is going to be about straights. Or transfolk. Next time you try to turn it on about men, ask yourself why. It’s not becoming. It’s not mature. It’s not even necessary.

Guys, women and enbies (like me) love you, but some things gotta stop. We are not anger dumping grounds for men. We are also not here to be emotional punching bags or consistently put your needs first.

Women and nonbinary people are no longer willing to coddle men the way they once were. Why? We’re not there because we’re not afforded that same dignity or freedom by too many people of the male gender.

If you’re really so ardent about issues you’ve seen, volunteer at a DV shelter for men. Make your own DV shelter. Make a fund for men who lost jobs due to depression, or a way to get them free therapy. Men gotta do their own shit.

But please. Stop asking others “What about men?”

You know the answer.

Author’s Edit: Since I’m already getting accusations of sexism from butthurt dudes, I’m going to just start blocking people. This is not up for debate, especially when the arguments for men are being made in bad faith.