I Am Powerless

Summary

The author reflects on their realization of personal limitations and dependency on others, sparked by the need for assistance in assembling an Ikea desk and the unwelcome involvement of an abuser.

Abstract

The article titled "I Am Powerless" delves into the author's epiphany regarding their lack of control over their life, particularly in physical strength and autonomy. They recount the experience of requiring their mother and aunt, both of whom have health issues, to assemble a desk that arrived late for their birthday. The author admits to their own physical weakness and lack of outdoor activity or exercise. The situation is exacerbated when the author's abuser is called to provide missing tools, causing significant distress. This event underscores the author's feelings of helplessness and the need for independence from their mother, financial stability, and the ability to manage tasks without assistance. The author acknowledges the necessity of earning a livable wage to afford services like TaskRabbit, which would prevent such vulnerable situations and facilitate personal and financial growth.

Opinions

The author feels inadequate and weak, recognizing their lack of physical strength and outdoor activity.
There is a sense of frustration and vulnerability in having to rely on others, especially when those others are not in the best physical condition themselves.
The presence of the abuser during the desk assembly adds a layer of trauma and highlights the author's powerlessness over personal boundaries and safety.
The author expresses a desire for independence, not just physically but also financially, to avoid being a burden and to protect their well-being.
The author believes that having a full-time remote job or more freelance opportunities would significantly improve their situation by providing financial stability.
The author views the inability to assemble furniture as a symptom of a larger issue of dependency and lack of control over their life.

How one Ikea desk changed my whole perspective

Today I realized just how powerless I am over every aspect of my life. I can control what I do, but I cannot contain the limitations of my body or the actions of others.

My Aunt had to come over to help my Mom build the desk that was supposed to be a birthday present for me but came late. Why am I not building it myself? Might you ask? Well, it’s not because I haven’t found the perfect cliché lesbian girlfriend yet (okay — it might be that), but rather because I’m so weak. My Mom has rheumatoid arthritis and is extremely weak because of that, but honestly, I’m barely stronger than her.

What’s my excuse?

Genuinely, I have none. I’m a load. I sit around and write articles and film YouTube videos, but I don’t go outside other than to walk my dog. I don’t exercise. I’m a twenty-six-year-old who needed two fifty-somethings to build Ikea furniture for me.

Worst of all, when tools were needed that were not given to us, my abuser was called to bring over the missing parts. Mentally, I freaked. I’m still a little shaken up just writing about it. My abuser came to my apartment. Even if my Mom made it so that I didn’t have to see him, he was still too close. And I was powerless over it.

Powerless over this dumb Ikea desk, powerless over where my abuser chooses to be. It left me feeling like I can’t do anything for myself.

I need to grow up.

Which is easy enough for an ex-drug addict to say, but to do the growing up? That’s a whole other ball game.

What I need is independence. Independence from my Mom, bringing my pills over daily so that I never have enough to kill myself. Freedom from needing help taking out the trash. Independence from being a financial burden on my Mom.

I need independence. And I don’t know where to start.

I suppose money is always the best way to start something. If I’m not making enough money, then I need to seek out other opportunities. Having a full-time remote gig would be life-changing, and freelancing more would probably have the same effect.

If I had a job that paid me a livable wage, I could have paid someone on TaskRabbit to put the desk together for me. I wouldn’t have had to rely on two fifty-somethings, and I wouldn’t have had a run-in with my abuser that made me take my in-case-of-emergency Klonopin.

Ultimately, what I need is the space to grow independently and financially.

Today, I was not in that place.

I have an idea of how to go about changing things, but today, I was powerless.