SELF-AWARENESS
I Am Not This
Eliminating all falsehoods to stand naked in the truth
Last night I had a dream. In the dream, I had a shelf lined with wooden statues, each one intricately carved. They were displayed proudly, these statues I had so painstakingly created. And then he came. The Master. Ramana. And silently, one by one, he pushed them off, with a gentle poke of his finger, each and every one of my statues. And they fell like ducks in a shooting gallery, leaving only an empty shelf.
While no words were spoken, I knew that with each piece knocked off the shelf, the message was: “You’re not this; you’re not this.”
Who is Ramana Maharshi? He was an Indian sage who spent his awakened years at the mountain called Arunachala in Southern India, a sacred mountain of Lord Shiva. Ramana taught mostly in silence, as he said that silence is the true nature of who we are. And all thoughts, definitions arise from this silence.
One of the practices he accepted for his students was Neti-Neti — Not this, not this. Neti-Neti is a meditation practice associated with Shiva, who, in the Hindu Trinity, is the destroyer. What does he destroy? Illusions.
All forms, all nouns, all definitions are fated to be destroyed. And if they are what we think we are, then we are bound to suffer.
What were these statues? All the self-definitions that I believed myself to be. A plethora of nouns I wrapped myself into like shrouds. I am a father, husband, Waldorf teacher, artist, writer, son, friend, etc.
How difficult it is not to become a noun in a world of names. It is not that nouns are wrong or that one should renounce nouns, that would be silly and contrived, and impossible. However, the danger comes when one believes these nouns, which come with a label of definitions on the backside of what that particular noun is supposed to be by various standards.
How do you know if you are walking with a label? When you hear the word should. We do it all the time. A woman should be this way, a man another. If you are of a particular religion, or a specific race, there are ways you are supposed to look and act.
Nouns are nothing but garments that we wear in society to interact with each other. “Good to meet you; I am an author.” Or we use them to advertise who we are on flyers or business cards. The problem is that just as some people who buy designer clothes and go around flaunting themselves, giving an impression of success and affluence perhaps, so too do we go around flaunting these definitions. Look at the bumper stickers of cars in America, such as I am a proud parent of an honor student; I am of this political party, a fan of a particular sport, etc. We become so wrapped up in these definitions, just like mummies. And we forget.
We forget the subject. The constant variable in all definitions: I AM. The I AM begins every statement. It is the name we all have, as Ramana so often pointed out. But the mind focuses on the wrappings.
We forget our nakedness that lies underneath any such nouns.
To come to the truth, to that nakedness, all of our fashioned statues about who we think we are must get knocked down. (And not just those about ourselves, but those we made of others whom we have defined by their actions.) If we do not, then life will do it for us.
We become parents, and then we watch our children leave us. We get married, and the other leaves for another. Maybe we grow wealthy and then watch the financial world crumble. And as everyone will experience someday in some form, we find our body lying on our death bed, gasping for our last breath.
All forms, all nouns, all definitions are fated to be destroyed. And if they are what we think we are, then we are bound to suffer.
Practice
If you want to find the naked truth of who you are, sit in a comfortable position with eyes closed. Take deep breaths. Now watch your thoughts. Any thought that arises for this time just say inwardly: I am not this.
In the West, thanks to Descartes, there is the maxim: I think, therefore I am. In the East, it is more: I am, therefore, I may think. So whatever the thoughts, whatever definitions, with each one, whether it is a noble one or a vile one and everything in between, see them on your life’s shelf, so masterfully worked, and gently, one by one, push them off, saying: “I’m not this; I’m not this.”
Why any thought? Let’s say it is a fearful thought of losing your job. There is a definition behind that fear. What is it? That you believe you are a human being, pitifully small and alone in the universe. If you did not think that, if you knew that you were beyond the definition of being a carbon-based creature, you wouldn’t have fear.
As an example, this morning in meditation, I watched thoughts arise about writing this article, where did I want it curated, how many views — all in a matter of seconds. I am not this, I affirmed. And I knocked them down. Another article idea started to arise: I’m not this. Vigilant, I kept watching until the shelf was clean. Or at least for a while.
I am not a writer. I AM. A writer is just one aspect of who I AM.
Do this for 10- 20 minutes. The morning is an excellent time to set the focus for the day of finding the truth. With any meditation, keep it stress-free. If it becomes stressful, end the session or just go back to breathing. Personally, if I am finding that I am over-identifying with some event or outcome, or whatever, I will incorporate this into part of more extended meditation.
If you are new at this, most likely, it will be difficult. But if you are stressing about the results, guess what? You are subtly defining yourself as good or bad. Practice makes better. Or, in this case, the shelf cleaner.
And if you are going through the day, if you find yourself worked up by some person or by some event, whether it is a painful emotion or even an elated one, no doubt you have wrapped yourself in a definition. If you think you are sad — you are not that. If you think you are happy — you are not that.
I AM sad. I AM happy. I AM.
They are just emotions. They are only events. They are just thoughts. Knock them all down. You are not suppressing. You are remembering the I AM before you start adding all the layers upon your nature. It is just that you are not any of it.
Not this, not this. And enjoy your empty, naked self.
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