I Am Not Sexually Attracted to My Husband

But I do desire him

Did you know that sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing? I didn’t until just recently. All my life, I thought when people talked about sexual attraction, they were talking about sexual desire. I thought they were exaggerating or using a metaphor when they talked about being sexually attracted to someone they didn’t know and had never touched.

sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing

When I met my now-husband Mark, I thought he was good-looking. Not movie star handsome or anything ridiculous, but his eyes were beautiful and his face was pleasant. I’ve always been more attracted to eyes than anything else, as they really do reflect the goodness (or not) within. He looked good — like a good person.

I dated two men before my now-husband. Both of them were quite far from traditionally handsome. I dated the first one for months, and, though we never did anything beyond holding hands and kissing, I did sometimes — rarely — feel a flutter of something like sexual desire when we kissed. I was attracted to his attraction to me. I was flattered. The second one didn’t get a second date. I only went on the one date because our families were friends and, again, I was flattered by his attraction to me. I felt nothing towards him.

At first, I only was interested in Mark as a friend. And he was a very good friend. Mark, my sister, my brother, and I were my close friend group for quite a while. I never even considered dating him for a very long time. When one of my other friends brought up the possibility to me, I had to think about it for some time to figure out if I wanted a romantic relationship with him. Months, even.

Everyone always says when you fall in love, you just know. No one can explain what it feels like. And no one ever bothers to explain attraction. I fell in love with Mark before we even talked about dating. I fell in love with Mark before I ever felt anything sexual for him.

no one ever bothers to explain attraction

Our first kiss was under a tree in the rain. It was gentle and sweet and wet and warm and cold. There was nothing sexual in it. It was perfect.

Over time, as we grew more comfortable together, sexual desire kindled in me. We definitely do not have a sexless marriage. But I’m still not sexually attracted to him, or to anyone. I don’t think I ever will be.

I am asexual. My experience is not the same as every asexual person. But I don’t experience sexual attraction, so I am asexual.