avatarEmma Holiday

Summary

The author discusses their personal journey through Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and the challenges faced due to internalized transphobia and societal pressures, emphasizing the naturalness of their gender identity and the need for societal acceptance.

Abstract

The author reflects on their 18-month experience with Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), contemplating the possibility of a full gender transition while navigating personal and pandemic-related obstacles. They confront internalized transphobia, facing feelings of fear, aversion, and discomfort that resonate with the societal prejudices encountered from family, friends, media, and religious groups. Despite these challenges, the author asserts their humanity and the normality of their gender variance, drawing a parallel with other natural human variations. They advocate for the right to correct what they see as a misalignment in their gender without societal ridicule and anticipate a future where they can see their own beauty and wait for society to align with their reality.

Opinions

  • The author expresses a struggle with internalized transphobia, feeling negative emotions towards their own gender identity.
  • They believe that the constant questioning of their gender is indicative of their transgender status, unlike cisgender individuals.
  • The author challenges the societal expectation of a binary gender system, arguing that gender variance is a natural part of human diversity.
  • They feel that the prejudice and ignorance they face are unjust and that their identity is not a choice but a natural occurrence that may require medical intervention, similar to other human conditions.
  • The author rejects the notion that they are a "freak" and calls for societal acceptance and understanding of transgender individuals.
  • They emphasize that transgender people should not be ashamed or guilty about their identity and should be able to live without ridicule or internal turmoil.
  • The author suggests that societal perceptions need to evolve to catch up with the reality of gender diversity.

I am not a freak

Has the World moved on?

I am on my 18th month on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I am still not sure whether I will fully transition but it seems like the inevitable outcome. My personal life and the pandemic have colluded to slow that decision-making process, so in this neutral gender zone I have been trying to purge six decades of binary brain-washing and it’s not easy.

According to Wikipedia, transphobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes, feelings or actions toward transgender people or transness in general. Transphobia can include fear, aversion, hatred, violence, anger, or discomfort felt or expressed towards people who do not conform to social gender expectations. The toughest type of transphobia is the one that is inside the head of someone that is transgender.

I have personally felt, and still feel to some degree, that fear, aversion, hatred, violence, anger, or discomfort is within me as well.

It is not pretty.

It tears you apart from the inside out…and then you have to hear the same ugliness from others. They include family, friends, the media, politicians and religious zealots. It’s a stacked team against me. Every time I hear a transphobic statement, it reverberates through my soul. I feel the pain. I feel my vulnerability. I question, yet again, am I doing the right thing, am I hurting others unnecessarily, am I hurting myself, will I be happy, what am I, am I a freak?

It is a nasty internal world with unquenchable emotional fires raging throughout my waking hours.

The world continuously feeds my doubts.

Fortunately, my reality comes to the rescue. Cisgenders don’t endlessly question their gender. I do, all the time. Cisgender males don’t dream of their world without their penis. I have since I was five years old. Those are tougher facts to face than the antiquated opinions of a society that relies on a pure binary system to explain gender. My facts eclipses societies perceptions.

I am not a freak.

I have allowed that perception to be my own for too long and it is wrong. I am part of a community that has been forced to hide in shame as if we did something wrong, as if we are not worthy to exist in society. It is a natural misalignment that occurred when my brain was wired female prior to birth and my body developed male.

The world is not flat and the world is not binary.

Nature isn’t perfect. No human being is perfect. We all have flaws that Nature has given us. Why am I blamed for mine? If those flaws are significant, doctors and surgeons try to remedy them. Why is mine less worthy of being cured?

I have allowed ignorance to judge me. I have allowed prejudices to define who I am. I am entitled to correct Natures flaw and I should be able to live my life without ridicule, mockery or scorn, especially when some of it is internal.

I need to finally purge myself and wait for society to catch up.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I should finally see beauty in my mirror when I look.

Emma Holiday

Please also read:

LGBTQ
Society
Justice
Transgender
Human Rights
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