avatarAimée Brown Gramblin

Summary

The author reflects on the complexities of emotional intimacy within and outside of marriage, exploring the nuances of love, emotional connections, and the concept of compersion.

Abstract

The author delves into the multifaceted nature of love and emotional intimacy, drawing from personal experiences and the writings of Carolyn Riker. Despite being married for two decades, the author acknowledges forming deep emotional bonds with others, particularly through the writing community. The article examines the idea that love is imperfect and that emotional intimacy with others need not threaten a primary relationship. It also touches on the concepts of polyamory and compersion, suggesting that emotionally intimate relationships can coexist with a committed marriage if managed with open communication and clear boundaries. The author emphasizes personal growth, the importance of nonviolent communication, and the belief in multiple soul connections, advocating for the fulfillment of intellectual and emotional needs beyond the marital relationship.

Opinions

  • The author believes that love is inherently complex and does not subscribe to the notion of a perfect love.
  • Emotional intimacy with others outside of marriage is not necessarily cheating if there is open communication and mutual understanding within the marriage.
  • The author suggests that compersion, a term often associated with polyamory, can also apply to emotionally intimate relationships.
  • There is an acceptance of the potential for multiple soul connections and the idea that one's partner may have other soul matches.
  • The author values the importance of nonviolent communication in navigating relationships and personal growth.
  • It is acknowledged that fulfilling certain emotional and intellectual needs may require connections outside of the marriage, which can be beneficial for the individual and the relationship.
  • The author does not regret the emotionally intimate friendships formed, viewing them as enriching experiences despite the potential for heartache.
  • The article conveys a belief in the interconnectedness of all individuals and the possibility of multiple lifetimes and soulmates.
  • The author emphasizes that a successful long-term relationship requires work, acceptance of both liking and disliking each other at times, and the understanding that one person cannot fulfill all aspects of another's life.

I’m Married and Still Have Other Intimate Relationships

Sometimes that creates heartache and it’s worth it.

Source: Deposit Photos.

Ain’t love funny? Ain’t love strange? I say love is a dangerous game Shows no mercy It has no rules It’s all the same for the kings and fools

These are the honest opening lyrics to a folksy Guy Clarke love song called “Hell Bent on a Heartache.” Just like everyone poops, no one is immune to love — not actors, musicians, kings, or fools. And, across the spectrum of romantic love, there are many nuances.

Emotional intimacy is a popular topic and one that Carolyn Riker writes about often. Her gentle words have allowed me to sink my mind into what emotional intimacy means to me.

When I listen to “Hell Bent on a Heartache” and hear the soft harmonizing of Morgan Raye’s female vocals and Guy Clarke’s gently aged male voice of wisdom, it softens me into accepting that love is never perfect. That’s a mythical lie we perpetuate to our children and each other. In reality, love is complicated and comes with dopamine rushes and chemical crashes. That’s just the reality of the thing we call love.

For many years, I denied my engagement in emotional intimacy, but when I think back over the two decades of the relationship with my husband, there are instances where I did connect with men in an intimate emotional manner. I hadn’t done that in a really long time, but then I started blogging in 2020 and met many friends through the writing community. Most of these friendships involve casual connections, though I’ve also made some deep friendships that are more akin to kindred spirit relationships. Over time, I became emotionally intimate with two male writers. It wasn’t intentional, but it did happen.

Crystal Raypol of Healthline posits, “Generally speaking, emotional cheating happens when your closeness to someone else disrupts your investment in your partner. You focus on the connection you have with them instead of on your existing (usually monogamous) relationship.”

Do my virtual emotionally intimate relationships constitute an affair of the heart or cheating? The answer to that varies from person to person. For me, no, it doesn’t. My husband and I are clear and open about our communication. There are sometimes bumpy spots, but eventually, we talk everything out. That’s how we’ve stayed together for 20 years.

As I read more articles in the Sexuality topic on this platform, I learn more about polyamory and compersion. Though my husband and I have no plans to open our relationship, I do wonder if this idea of compersion can cross over into emotionally intimate relationships.

My intuitive answer is yes.

And I’m hell bent on a heartache I should know better But I guess I don’t I keep on learning the hard way Every time I turn around I make the same mistake Cause I’m hell bent on a heartache Hell bent on a heartache

As I get older, the less I know. The more open I am to exploring ideas and nonviolent communication:

With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as others — NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.

I think we’re all here on earth to evolve in some way — spiritual, emotional, and/or intellectual. It’s a cosmic journey. The more I back away from rigid boundaries the more authentic I feel in my life’s path.

Even though I’m fully committed to my husband, I believe that there are multiple soul matches for all of us. I believe there are other people he could fall in love with. Partly, that’s a painful thought, but overall, it just reminds me how interconnected we all are. Each and every one of us.

As humans, we have opportunities for soul connections on multiple levels. When we get immersed in deeply intimate emotional connections, it could become an issue with our primary relationships.

It’s wise to tread cautiously.

When I first heard Guy Clark’s “Hell Bent on a Heartache,” the lyrics permeated my heart space.

Because, if you’ve ever been in love, you know — as much as love feels good, it’s also a painful ache. That’s life, isn’t it? Holding opposing feelings in our hands and hearts and accepting that it’s okay. It’s life. There’s no good over bad or bad over good — it’s all a swirled mix of experiences, emotions, and growth that lead to our personal and interconnected evolutions.

When I began blogging, I wasn’t searching for emotionally intimate relationships, but I think that’s the nature of sharing common interests and baring our hearts on a blogging platform.

Likeminded writers bare their hearts, too. We read, follow, and support each other. Sometimes, we form friendships through messaging on other platforms.

Raypole says, “In the beginning, emotional cheating can feel a lot like friendship.” While I still don’t agree with her label of cheating, I will admit that what started as friendships morphed into flirtatious friendships morphed into something more.

The line is fuzzy. The line is a blur.

Friendship, flirtation, daily check-ins…Physical cheating is so much easier to label and maybe even to reckon with.

Seems I’m always getting burned Just you wait until the table is turned Love’s a gamble Love’s a curse Love’s a bitch But it could be worse

I think about myself in a reversed situation and know that my heart and ego would hurt. I know this to be true. Yet, I still want my husband to have relationship connections that fill the gaps in our own marriage. No, I’m not saying I want him to cheat on me in the sense of having a sexual affair.

I am saying I want him to have his intellectual and emotional needs tended to, and if that happens from someone who’s not me, I think that ultimately, that’s okay.

And, as the song says, “Love’s a gamble…but it could be worse.”

We’re doing our best as we navigate the changing seasons that are the river of our love.

Carolyn Riker’s poem, “Let’s Stop Pretending We Are Lovers” cracked me open in a much-needed way. Following is an excerpt:

we pretend we are lovers

not in this lifetime but perhaps we were in another

One of my emotionally intimate relationships ended fairly abruptly when the person became seriously involved in a romantic relationship. And, it stung. I miss him a lot. But, of course, I want him to be happy. I respect that this is what needs to happen.

The other emotional relationship has continued to this point but with firmer boundaries in place to safeguard us from going into territory that could threaten our romantic real-life involvements.

Cause I’m hell bent on a heartache I should know better But I guess I don’t I keep on learning the hard way Every time I turn around I make the same mistake Cause I’m hell bent on a heartache Hell bent on a heartache

I don’t regret these intimate friendships. I’m better for them. And, I hope the others feel the same way.

It took courage to open myself in a vulnerable way. It accelerated some of my cosmic journey and allowing them to dissolve and morph into something less intense is a loss.

It took me a while to admit to myself that I felt these losses so deeply. Then, I realized:

I needed to cry.

I needed to mourn these deep emotionally intimate relationships. I needed to release them and trust in the universal plan for all four of us (my husband, myself, my two friends) — as we mirror and mirror and mirror each other into an ultimate oneness.

Then I found a passage by Reverie. Although she writes about a sexual transcendence experience with her “soulmate” in the following excerpt, I feel this overlapping of love (and emotional intimacy) applies to multiple soulmates and multiple lifetimes — at least in my personal experience.

‘We are panthers, we are bacteria, we are gods, we are galaxies merging. In all levels of reality, I am f***ing you.’

And I see it. We are not just a man and a woman, with our personal histories and set of memories from our individual lifetimes, we are the Cosmic Lovers, joined in eternal harmony. We are all life, and all life is Our Love, and on all levels of reality, we are always joining.

You are me. I am you. We are one. It feels so true in my gut, yet when I try to put it into words, it’s difficult. When I try to rationalize, I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to be the people who I don’t like. It takes a considerable level of enlightenment to embody and know these truths.

Don’t get me wrong I believe in love Sometimes that’s just not enough

This is tender to write. How do I convey that I love my husband? That he is my main soulmate this lifetime? How do I convey that while we are highly sexually compatible, our emotional and intellectual compatibility are less so?

How do I communicate the electric charges we felt the first time we touched intimately? How do I explain to you my sense of Deja Vu when I met him? Like I’d traveled through lifetimes with him? And, would travel through many more? How do I convey that for a long time I thought we were soulmates until I realized these connections are bigger than that, and across time and space, we have numerous soul connections with numerous souls?

We admire each other, we encourage each other, we celebrate each other’s wins. But, no, I don’t really want to talk about graphic design and no, he doesn’t really want to talk about my writing.

And, that’s okay. I decided a long time ago that my husband wasn’t and shouldn’t be all things to me and I wasn’t and shouldn’t be all things to him.

So, that leaves us fulfilling some aspects of our life-needs from other people. This can mean talking with different friends or going to enjoy different activities, like when I go dancing and he goes to watch the game at a friend’s house.

I don’t want us to suffer through activities we don’t enjoy just to be with the other.

Cause I’m hell bent on a heartache I should know better But I guess I don’t I keep on learning the hard way Every time I turn around I make the same mistake Ooh I’m hell bent on a heartache Hell bent on a heartache*

I don’t know the answers to making a relationship work until death do us part. I know that it takes a hell of a lot of work. I know that we love each other. I know that sometimes we don’t like each other. I know that “Hell Bent on a Heartache” is one of the most beautiful and hauntingly honest love songs I’ve ever heard.

I know that building emotional intimacy within our marriage is vital. I know that much of our emotional intimacy is built through our sex life. And, that’s different than the intimately emotional friendships I have engaged in. I want to believe that it’s possible to foster both kinds without the threat of “the silent marriage killer.”

What do you think?

*Lyrics quoted are written by Guy Clark, Morgane Hayes & Chris Stapleton. The song is “Hell Bent on a Heartache.”

For more stories, poems, reviews, and meanderings from my mind, give me a follow: Aimée Gramblin.

Curious to learn more about my marriage? Click here.

Music
Relationships
Love
Personal Growth
Spirituality
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