Transition Journal

I Am Feeling It: Day 125

My own milk, sex parties & coronavirus

I’m feeling girly now and want to produce milk

I am feeling more womanly now these days than ever before.

My estrogen level is higher than it has ever been and my testosterone lower. I am feeling a slight pain in my breasts at my nipples, reminding me that my breasts might be able to make milk one of these days. I would be happy to experience that. And, someone will have fun possibly, suckling my breasts if that happens. But, I’m not going to let just anyone drink my breast milk, if I end up producing it.

I understand a little about the pains women go through, but I know I will never experience all of them. It makes me appreciate all the women in my life and in our world.

Feminizing Hormone Therapy overview

I am undergoing changes as I enter my fourth month! It is so exciting. The greatest is that I am feeling more and more comfortable with myself every day. I feel like “I am.” I don’t feel like I have to practice being someone to fit it. I feel like I fit in just as me.

It is so beautiful. I am grateful every day that I decided to pursue this despite my fears of what others might say.

If I would have know, I would have started earlier in my life.

It is wonderful.

I understand Lifetime shows

I can watch Lifetime shows with my ex and not be bored out of my mind. The same for Hallmark Channel romances. I wanted exciting, visually stimulating entertainment in the past. Fast cut, ADD style fare was my jam back when my testosterone levels were higher. Now, I like a good thriller, love story, romance, person in jeopardy movie. I imaging I’m the heroine of the shows.

I have also just started watching Dr. Who Season 12 and I want to be the current Dr. She’s is awesome. I love her intelligence, style and hair. I want to be her one of these days. I enjoy programming with strong female leads. I’m also getting into “Dispatches from Elsewhere.”

I get grossed out now

I can get the “heebie jeebies” these days from things on video. Silly entertainment that didn’t affect me before can gross me out on a gut level. It’s an interesting sensation. It also explains why stereotypes about men and women are perpetuated in the media. Guys seem to like body function humor. I was indifferent before — not my style, but whatever. Now, I’m like “ewww” and want to shake off the germs I’m imagining crawling on me.

“You look like a woman”

My ex said I look like a woman the other day. I’m growing out my hair and I can tell my face is getting more feminine as the laser treatments continue their magic of burning my hair follicles so that my five o’clock shadow will be a memory one of these days. She also complained I was “gaining weight” in my chest. She has always policed my weight, but she’s specifically concerned with my growing breasts these days. HIPAA is a great thing. She doesn’t need to know anything that she doesn’t need to know. It would just make her want to try to convince me to “be a man.”

The neighbor whose boyfriend is a jealous mess also told me that it was good that he got to see me in person so he wouldn’t be so threatened that I was some muscled six-pack bro trying to steal his woman away from him. I think she’s going to get rid of him because jealousy sucks. I understand the feeling, but count to 100 and chill out because people are going to do whatever they want to do.

I am going to keep transitioning, even if people complain. Actually, the only person who has complained is my ex. She also asked if I was gay. I laughed because technically if I am into her and I’m feminine, then I’m gay. I am more romantically attracted to women, but also like sex with men, so I’m bi. But, I think labels are limiting, so I am what I am.

Non binary seems like a good fit

I like being non binary. It takes a lot of societal pressure to subscribe to a cosmetics routine or other consumerism thoughts off of me. I just think of me as me and do what I want. I have a little bit of makeup, but I don’t feel like I will dissolve if I go outside without wearing it. Sometimes, I’ll put on a tiny bit of eye liner and curl my lashes. But, I don’t want to spent hours getting made up. Until, I want to do so.

Makeovers are nice

I admit, I love a good makeover. There is something intimate about being made up into a beautiful woman by someone who is skilled in the art of beauty. But, I don’t want to be a slave to wearing “product” daily.

I am having more vivid dreams these days: sex and coronavirus

Sex parties and COVID-19

I had a vivid dream last night that combined everything in my mind: COVID-19, love, sex parties (I was wondering how parties in Chicago are being affected during these days), and a vacation paradise. It was a lot like the Never End (created by Xavier Van Holde and curated by “Mama” Christine Graves) but it was my mind showing me the story while I was sleeping.

I was at a sex party in a mansion and was with a group of people, some I knew and others I didn’t. I must be stressing out about our global pandemic news because we ended up being stuck in the mansion and quarantined. It was a nice place to be locked in, but being locked anywhere, even filled with sexy people and luxury is never a good thing.

The human soul wants to be free to do what he or she wants to do.

I think it came from thinking about Chicago parties where trans people get together with trans amorous people. I was wondering what might be happening with them. I checked out the website and see they are still being held, so I assume people aren’t afraid to mix and mingle these days. I haven’t been to one for a while. I also haven’t been out to our local gay bar lately. I have been to the mall which has been featuring huge sales because the economy seems to be slowing down these days. I am starting to think it is best to stick around the house or be out in nature, rather than a lot of people.

I am still care giving for my son and his grandparents, so I will be in and around health care facilities weekly. I have been advised that people who are sick have been told to call the health department and to not show up for therapy. My ex works with geriatric patients and she says that visiting restrictions and other precautions are in effect.

The key take away so far is to wash hands, don’t touch your face and nose, stay home if sick, cover coughs and keep rested/hydrated. Always use universal precautions.

See a doctor’s view on COVID-19 and LGBTQ+ gatherings:

Running an LGBTQ circuit party in the middle of a pandemic, with no cure, which disproportionately harms those with comprised immune systems is madness. While conferences and events, like SXSW were postponed or cancelled, the National LGBTQ Task Force’s Winter Party festival ran from March 4–10 over the weekend.

With COVID-19 causing a national health emergency, a dance festival seems reckless and potentially harmful to those with HIV, seniors, and those with other underlying conditions. — Dr. Chris Pepin-Neff.

I hope everyone is safe and healthy

I hope everyone stays healthy and okay. I’m praying for the best. I read a coronavirus case was detected at CPAC.

Federal lawmakers are self-quarantining.

Churches are changing services in response to coronavirus / COVID-19

My ex advises her Catholic Church has taken precautions during mass. Other churches are doing the same in Indiana as two cases are reported in the Central Indiana area related to people who went to a bio-tech conference in Boston.