I Am Batman And, Apropos Of Nothing, I Don’t Think Tax Hikes For Billionaires Are A Good Idea
I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman.
And I’d like to take a moment to discuss a very important issue facing America today.
I’ve waged battles with some of the most notable criminals ever to plague Gotham City like Joker and Bane, as well as the far, far less notable ones like Kite Man and Egghead. But right now, our country faces a threat much more malicious than my entire rogue’s gallery combined.
I am talking, of course, about the growing political movement calling for tax hikes on billionaires.
Obviously, this issue doesn’t affect me personally as I have no need for — nor the means to make — money. I am Gotham’s dark protector; A demon of the night; A deliverer of justice in the form of midnight spin kicks and karate chops. And for Gotham City, I work pro bono.
But these days, the only “jokers” this caped crusader worries about are the clowns driving around with their ‘Bernie’ bumper stickers.
The fact is, whether these so-called “progressives’ want to admit it or not, billionaires are job creators. Take Gotham’s-own Bruce Wayne for example — whose company, Wayne Enterprises, employs 15,000 people in Gotham alone. Could you imagine if we lost all those jobs because this guy had to incur some arbitrary tax increase? I mean, they may not be the high paying blue collar careers this city deserves, but they’re certainly the minimum wage positions this city needs right now.
It’s also worth remembering that billionaires are the most charitable members of our society. Again, just for the purpose of an example, look at Bruce Wayne. He personally donated over one billion dollars last year to local charities, including the Wayne Foundation (formerly the Thomas and Martha Wayne Foundations) which he, of course, chairs. Just think of all the wonderful, private, you-can’t-possibly-imagine-how-beneficial-to-this-city-they-are causes his money goes on to fund every year.
And before I get any letters: Yes, there was an FBI investigation last year into whether the Wayne Foundation was simply a slush fund used to funnel money back to Wayne Enterprise’s secretive weapons division. However, the results of that investigation showed “no evidence of wrongdoing,” and, over the course of my own investigation, all I found was a nice guy raising money for good causes in his dead parents’ names. So fire up that Bat-Signal, Commissioner, there’s a really nice, rich guy on the loose!
‘But Batman,’ I hear you say through this computer program that lets me hack into your cell phone camera, ‘Wouldn’t raising someone like (again, just using this name for the sake of expediency) Bruce Wayne’s income taxes from 36% to even just 39% create enough revenues to stymie the cuts to Gotham City’s Police Department that created the need for your services in the first place?’
If you’re suggesting that my willingness to don a rubber suit and fling homemade boomerangs at criminals fulfills some sort of psychological need; A need so deep that I’d purposely advocate the defunding of the GCPD just so I can keep doing it — you’re wrong.
Heck, I’d love a night off. But the truth is a marginal tax increase for billionaires would actually be worse for the cops. Think about it: When the Policeman’s Ball figuratively rolls around next year — who’s gonna be there with a donation check?
Not Bruce Wayne, I’d imagine.
Again, higher taxes on billionaires won’t affect me, personally. As far as anyone can prove, I built this here Batmobile and Batwing with nothing but my superior Bat-intellect and my bare Bat-hands. And look, sure, there are certainly some bad billionaires out there. You don’t need X-ray vision and a big stupid ‘S’ on your chest to know Lex Luther is a pretty awful guy. In terms of ‘Most Evil People in the World Today,” he’s top five; I’d say second only to Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck-Letmathe — the crazy Austrian businessman who doesn’t think water is a human right.
But that doesn’t mean we should look at good-guy billionaires the same way. Good guys who create jobs, donate money and take care of policemans’ balls. Good guys (again, simply for continuity’s sake) like Bruce Wayne who, lest we forget, also adopted an orphan a few years ago.
Batman is a world renowned crime fighter in Gotham as well as an award winning author and essayist. Look for the Dark Knight’s op-ed next week: “Five ways over-reaching child labor laws do more harm for teenage sidekicks than good.”