SATIRE
I Am a Lazy, Entitled, Carefree, Millennial and I Am Not Ashamed
I see your assumptions and raise you some questions
I see them rolling their eyes at me.
They mock my reusable Starbucks cup, choice of un-seasonal wardrobe, Midnight green iPhone with a PopSocket, and zero-effs-given energy.
When I walk into a room, I’m always turning heads.
They notice I’m all alone, my noise-canceling headphones are turned on, and my 70s-inspired giant black sunglasses are perched on my nose.
I sit at a table for two, rest my multiple shopping bags on the chair in front of me, and click pictures for myself. Then I proceed to order an entire English breakfast platter and adjust the knives and forks in straight lines.
Who does she think she is? they wonder, not so subtly.
Good question. Very good indeed.
Because today is a stupid, boring Monday, and I didn’t have anything better to do, I decided to discuss some myths. But, I am not here to defend myself or an entire confused generation, spanning 15 years for some reason.
I will ask some questions instead.
#8. You don’t know true exhaustion.
Have you ever binged Netflix for eight hours straight, fallen asleep, and woken up to them asking, “Are you still watching?”, and cried a little because someone finally cares about you, and resumed watching?
Have you ever had your Nintendo’s battery run out in the middle of an Animal Crossing island rebuilding session, put yourself into a contorted pose owing to the length of the charger, and the location of the wall socket, only to wake up with a shoulder ache that makes you want to cut it off?
Have you ever been haunted by your past, wanted to stop the horror movie playing in your head by any means necessary, and stayed up till 6 a.m.?
It's fun, I fully recommend it.
#7. You spend too much time on your phone.
This one is true, I’ll give it to you. I’m considering putting it in a box, shoving it at the back of my large cupboard, then locking it shut and swallowing the key. That should give me a day or two of detox.
On the other hand, my MacBook just finished charging. A big screen is better than a small one. Better yet, I could watch some TV. What about you?
If you have any suggestions, please send them my way.
#6. Stop going to Starbucks.
I rarely do, actually. If you don’t believe me, I’ll send you a copy of their menu and my last month’s earnings from Medium. You can decide then.
I make coffee at home. But instant, because I’m lazy.
Last year, I briefly considered buying a french-press, to use on weekends, after having some delectable roast on a vacation. But then I decided against it. I couldn’t stand the thought of cleaning it and waiting for it to finish.
If only they sent an actual French person to make it for me…
But when I do go, after much careful consideration, I make a big deal out of it. I’ll order myself a drink with all the fixings, chat up the attractive barista, and lounge with a book. And take pictures — always take pictures.
#5. You only care about yourself.
Yes, that’s true. But do you know how hard that is?
Do you know what it’s like to have many versions of you in one brain, and when you satisfy one, the other one craves attention, and when you finally finish, the day is done, the morning comes, and they’re all upset again?
Do you know what it’s like to work on yourself for three years, bury the parts of you that no longer fit and have them come back as zombies?
It keeps you busy though, so it’s not the worst deal.
#4. Get a real job.
Been there, done that. Went to college — four years for undergrad and two for my master's. Holding my thesis will give you an instant backache.
I don’t like to brag, but I did quite well during those years.
Thought I’d change the world, change the perception of Human Resources, help people, and mix Psychology (my major) and Business to create a new tomorrow, where we are no longer seen as subservient cogs in the wheel.
Do you know what I had to do there?
Help people remain docile while pretending to be their friend. Listen to managers drone on about how hard their life is. Use intellectual-sounding word salads because no one wants to hear the truth. Introduce new and fascinating changes only to have everyone shoot the messenger.
And plan parties, team-building events, birthdays, and farewells.
#3. You’re ruining food for everyone.
My father expected my mother to serve him food every morning, noon, and night, according to his specifications. The whole family adapted to his timings, dietary and culinary preferences for years, as was the social norm.
He never thanked her for it. Not once.
I didn’t even know what I liked, till I left home at 17. Finally, the world was my oyster, and you’d make a safe bet, assuming that I was going to swallow cold, raw, oysters. Aphrodisiac or not, they taste great, by the way.
Let me have my black ice cream in peace, I ask you.
#2. You’re sad all the time.
Have you watched the news lately? Refreshed your Twitter feed?
On one hand, the world is ending, and you get a reminder of it once every 15 minutes. Then you go on YouTube to numb your mind with some bedroom makeover videos and accidentally learn that someone bought a mansion at 19, from content creation and says that you can do it too.
People are jumping from cliffs for the thrill of it, and others are fighting for their basic rights. You can’t believe the reality show politics has turned into and the product modern capitalistic machinery wants to turn you into.
You’re on your couch doom-scrolling because there’s nothing else to do.
#1. You make questionable choices.
My parents got married in 1988. It was arranged by their parents, and they met a total of two times before they got hitched. They bought a house, a car, held respectable jobs, and had two children. Picture-perfect-postcard.
My father was emotionally unavailable and looked at me like I was crazy every time I was vulnerable. My mother built me up. She raised me to marry rich and become one half of a power couple like Melinda Gates.
They separated for 16 years and lied about it. Now they’re back together.
In their opinion, now that they are finally on the same page, I’m ungrateful, spoiled, and selfish. I have squandered what they gave me.
No one ever questioned their choices. Why do they question mine?
Author’s Notes:
This story is satirical, well my attempt at it, with some bits and pieces of truth sprinkled in. Which I think is the purpose of it. Ridicule and reflect.
The exaggerations are for effect and I intended them towards laughing at myself. Disliking the choices of another generation is nothing new, and I feel it too — towards GenZ. To be candid, I’m often intimidated by them.
Some readers, in the past, have accused my Satire to be hyperbole and offensive. Back then I didn’t have any friends on Medium, and those comments from accidental readers hurt. It’s okay, everyone has their own preferences, and I wouldn’t mind if someone chooses to not read mine.
TL;DR If you didn’t enjoy it, then please bear with me, while I work on it.
