I Almost Died in Paris — Twice!

Both times involved buses!

Here is Keeley’s version of events.

Here is the story of my first visit to Paris. I had longed to see Paris since I was 16 and here I was at 61 seeing it for the first time! Naturally, I was disappointed.

But I was determined to give Paris another chance so three years later, Keeley and I decided we’d give it another go. It was a little later in the year — mid-November so shouldn’t be hot — that was one thing that ruined my first experience in Paris.

We had done a bike tour in London with Fat Tyre Bike Tours and I absolutely loved it! We would get a discount if we booked a tour in Paris and a bigger discount if we booked two — a day ride and a night ride. I imagined riding along the banks of the Seine on a bike track… lovely! How wrong was I!

Friday

We started off a leisurely Friday with the only plan being to do the night bike ride tour at 6 pm. By 1 pm, we were both bored so decided to get our sandwiches and go for a picnic. The nearest patch on green (on the map) just happened to be Père Lachaise Cemetery so that’s where we headed. It was only two blocks away so I thought walking shoes weren’t warranted for such a short distance. Big mistake. We arrived at the cemetery and sat down on the stone steps to enjoy our picnic. (We had bought beer and olives on the way.)

Père Lachaise Cemetery

We were unsure if it was polite to have a picnic in a cemetery, but we didn’t sit on any graves, although it was tempting. Those stone steps were not comfortable. We were smiled upon and frowned upon, so that didn’t enlighten us on cemetery protocol. One woman death-stared Keeley, who told me quite innocently, then realized how funny it was. Then we got the giggles — you can’t take us anywhere!

We climbed up, up, up, till we (should I say I) could climb no more, and we gave up on finding any tombs of note. I wanted to see Oscar Wilde’s tomb but he was miles away! Sorry, Oscar!

Getting Lost — of course!

My poor toes were protesting so we headed back home. And of course, we became lost. Don’t ask me how! It was two blocks for heaven’s sake! I think we were too busy talking and missed our turn. After walking for what seemed like hours, (Keeley assured me was only minutes), I yelled at her to show me the map on her phone, as I didn’t trust her navigation skills. I probably wouldn’t have yelled if my feet weren’t in so much pain. I didn’t want to walk one inch further than necessary.

She stalked off not speaking to me the rest of the way back to our airbnb. (about half an hour, but in reality about 2 minutes) She was really upset I had yelled at her. It shows you how often she’s yelled at that she had such an extreme reaction. Poor Keeley! When I arrived home, she had climbed out through our window onto the roof to drink the rest of the beer. She obviously didn’t want to have anything to do with me. It’s my fault she hates confrontation.

She did say at some stage that she wished she had let the bus hit me, but she didn’t mean it. (I hope!)

Here is Keeley’s Facebook post about the event. This was all true.

“Today, Mum nearly got hit by a bus. I seriously can’t even deal with how hilarious the image is in my head, replaying over and over again. This entire time, she’s been a huge Paranoid Pete… ALWAYS waiting for the green pedestrian light to cross the road… Even when there are no cars coming for MILES! And today… She decides to just walk right out in front of a bus as it pulls out from the stop 😹 I’ll never get over how poor/non-existent Mum’s peripheral vision is!”

Postponing the Night Ride!

Anyway, I couldn’t walk another step and so I called the Fat Tire Bike Tours to postpone until tomorrow night. I heated up my moussaka for dinner and opened the bottle of red wine that had been waiting for us. Sabine from Bremen joined us for a glass, and we chatted in English. She speaks German, French, English and Spanish and was just in Paris for the weekend. She often comes down just for the weekend! I was complaining about the cost of restaurants in Paris. She advised us to always make lunch our main meal. You can usually find a 3-course menu for about €20.

I was really tired, so had a shower, climbed into bed, and was asleep within seconds and didn’t wake up until 6.30 am! I had terrible dreams though.

The plan today was not to do too much before our bike tour tonight. So I was going to find the nearest laundromat to do our washing. I asked Maguy, our airbnb host, which was nearest and she offered to do it all for us! No problem, she said. All part of the service! I felt so bad I thought I’d better make good use of the day and go out to see the sights of Paris.

First, we headed to l’Arc de Triomphe with the plan of climbing to the top. We hopped out of the metro, and found a little café to use the toilet. I’m not sure if Paris is like Rome, but thought we’d better buy a coffee. Of course, it was expensive, but probably the best €4.50 I’d ever spent! We walked around the perimeter trying to find a crossing. There was no way we were going to walk across all that traffic! Of course, there was no crossing — we had walked right past the subway. In our defence, the sign was completely obliterated by stickers and graffiti. Some Parisians must have fun watching people like us walk round and round!

We finally reached it by which time I needed to go to the toilet again — the catch 22 of going to a coffee shop to use the toilet and buying a coffee at the same time! We saw the lineup to buy tickets and decided we’d give the top a miss, and just take some photos on the ground. We made our way back to the same café (a feat in itself given our navigational skills) and used their toilets again — without buying another coffee! Keeley wanted to see Notre Dame so we hopped on the metro and headed there.

On the way, I saw that the metro stopped at Le Marais (Saint-Paul). I had heard so much about Le Marais, I decided to check it out. There was a great variety of shops there, with some gorgeous Christmas stuff, all of which we managed to resist buying. We found a café with 3 courses for €21, so thought we’d try it since we weren’t going to have dinner before our bike tour. It was disappointing, to say the least. The turkey foie gras was straight out of the turkey, the steak and chips were just that; the chips were overcooked and the steak was tough, and they had run out of tiramisu (my first choice) and raspberry tarts (my second) so I had to settle for chocolate cake which I gave to Keeley. I ordered a red wine and Keeley ordered a French beer. The wine was ok for €2.50, but she didn’t like the beer and it cost €8.50! Not what I would call a really cheap lunch: €46!

Back on the metro to Notre Dame. Her app said to get off at Saint-Mande which we did. We saw a sign to the Les Jardins Zoologique, (the zoo), but no signs to Notre Dame. I carefully mentioned to Keeley I would check my map before I walked any further — I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday — and it turned out her app had given her the wrong Notre Dame! I suppose there must be dozens of them since it actually means Our Lady!

The Night Ride

Back on the metro to Dupleix, where our bike tour was to start. We were a couple of hours early, but thought we’d sit down in the Bistro opposite the station and wait. It was happy hour so we ordered Mojitos for €6, the only cocktail that was included in happy hour. At 5.45 pm, we wandered out and found our tour guide, Carlos, who had just set up on the corner. We thought we’d be first but everyone arrived together. We walked up to the office and chose our bikes. Keeley chose Chandler Bing (the funny one — quite apt) and I wound up with Ayrton Senna. Halfway through the tour and after hitting the gutter and crashing into a drainpipe, I explained to Keeley that Ayrton Senna was a champion racecar driver who died in a car crash. Of course, she could not stop laughing.

You know how much I enjoyed the bike tour in London? This was the tour from HELL! No nice quiet bike rides through parks and along the bike paths bordering the Seine here, no this was STAY AS A GROUP AND DOMINATE! (the traffic) Yes, we rode in front of traffic, buses, cars, motorbikes, the lot! To say I was terrified would be an understatement. Did I see any of the wonderful Parisian landmarks? Did I hear any of the fascinating history? Of course not! I was so far behind, so scared and so exhausted I didn’t give a rat’s arse about Parisian history!

Keeley offered to be co-captain of the group- her job was to stay last and keep the group together — basically her job was to look after me. They did give her a T-shirt as a thank-you for doing it. She kept saying, “calm and assertive”, something she’s learned from dog training. I was anything but!

In a twist of fate, she was the one who had the worst accident. In her effort to look after me, she didn’t look after herself and was rammed by a Parisian cyclist in the middle of a busy road. He was all dressed in black with no lights — I didn’t even see him at all — only heard her scream and his abuse at her in French, and her saying ”sorry, sorry”. He was the one in the wrong — she had lights and an orange hi-vis vest on and was at the end of the entire group dressed in hi-vis vests! It really put the wind up her, and I think she lost a little of her bravado. There were no more “calm and assertives”.

The next accident was my riding into a bus: this was definitely the bus I avoided yesterday! Luckily the bus was stationary and the only damage I sustained was to my elbow. I was riding past a stationary bus when another bus overtook me. I was squeezed between two buses. Best to hit the stationary one I figured! Keeley was behind me and thought I’d lose my balance when I hit the bus and fall under the moving bus. She thinks I must be a pretty good bike rider to avoid that happening. (I did have years of experience as a teenager riding my bike to and from school every day as well as riding to the shop on errands for Mum, and basically riding anywhere I wanted to go. It was my only means of transport.) She was so worried about my falling under the bus that she laughed until she cried. She thinks laughing is her coping mechanism. I think crying is mine!

FINALLY, we get to the boat cruise on the Seine. The part I was looking forward to most. Even a couple of glasses of red wine didn’t cheer me up. All I wanted to do was go home to bed. I just stiffened up on the cruise, so much so that I couldn’t even get on the bike without someone holding it for me. My knees were knackered.

We rode to the Eiffel Tower and saw the light display at 10 pm before heading back to the office. I’ve never been so pleased to see anything in my entire life. The tour guide hugged me — it was his last night before heading back to the States — I think he was happy I survived — he probably has a spotless record — and gave Keeley her T-shirt. Good job!

We trudged back to Dupleix and caught one metro to Nation, then another home to Charonne. In bed by 11 and didn’t wake up till 9. Keeley is off on the day tour, which is probably the one I should have done. It has a difficulty rating of 2; the night tour is 5!

I wish I’d known that before last night. I hope my legs recover before Lake Como! I rode 13 kilometres last night with only two collisions and a few near misses with pedestrians. In hindsight, I’m quite proud. The other riders were all in their twenties, and are probably all up and exploring Paris this morning.

I am going to get up soon and try to walk to the shower down the hall!