I Aimed For 500 Rejections In 90 Days To Make Me More Resilient – This Happened

As a writer, rejection is something I have to deal with a lot. No matter how good you are at writing, there will always be a long line of people who don’t want to publish your work. I don’t take it personally because I know how to cope with rejection from publishers; keep writing. There are different types of rejection in life though and admittedly I’m maybe not so good at dealing with all of them. I believe I know how to handle rejection in previous relationships gracefully. It usually involved eating lots of ice-cream with a girlfriend and doing a kind of cleansing ritual that involved burning anything that person ever gave me. I’m definitely not good at handling rejection from employers. As an unemployed teenager who left school early due to health issues, I applied for over 200 jobs in a year and didn’t even get one interview. My confidence took a long time to rebuild once I finally got a job.

This is why I wanted to test my responses to rejection and investigate the psychological effects. It has to be said, I am not a psychologist, but as a writer, I do a lot of social observations. In many ways, you have to have a solid grasp of basic psychology in order to write creatively because you’re building believable characters. Don’t you agree?

It was during a period in my life when I was following a life coach on social media, who we will call John (because that’s his name), that I decided to try this experiment. He had started his career in network marketing where rejection will happen numerous times a day and some people new to that industry become despondent at the sheer number of times they will be unfriended, unfollowed and ignored. It can affect their confidence and they fall out of love with the business, so John noticed this and decided to coach people in building resilience instead of coaching them in how to make money. Pretty clever approach, I thought.

The problem is, I also read a study that says rejection massively reduces your IQ and increases aggression. That was concerning, I have to say. I was halfway through my degree when I started this experiment. I didn’t want to lose any IQ points. I needed them all! Apparently our analytical reasoning also drops by 30% when we encounter repeated rejection. Wow.

I wasn’t involved in network marketing but I thought this would definitely benefit me as a writer. Who doesn’t want to be more resilient? The most resilient people in the world are probably the most successful, I decided, and I wanted to be one of them. I signed up to his live streams for a 90 day period. It was only £30 and to be honest, £30 for a more resilient mindset and titanium confidence seemed like a bargain.

The idea was this: Aim for rejection rather than acceptance. It was that simple. Treat yourself when you reach 500 rejections. If you contacted six people per day for 90 days, you would be approaching 540 people, and hopefully, a little less than one in ten of them would accept you. For a network marketer, 40 new downlines was excellent. For me, as a writer, 40 acceptances sounded like a huge step towards my dream life filled with writing success.

But life isn’t all about business or creative work. I wanted to know how to handle rejection in relationships, how rejection would affect me as a person and what the psychological effects of rejection were. I know I get turned down a lot by publishers, but it’s maybe once or twice a month. Not five or six times a day. This would be interesting, to say the least.

Rejection From Potential Employers

I started out by applying for jobs I didn’t really want. That way, it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t get them. It was a nice, easy way to start. I prepared my CV (or resume, as Americans call it), trawled job websites and spent the first few days applying for anything that looked halfway like something I could do. I also sent out letters with my CV on spec in case any jobs came up. I applied to 50 companies, which meant I was 10% closer to reaching my 500 rejections goal.

The outcome was that I was promised three interviews. One I turned down. One I actually thought I might want, when I gave the matter some thought. They sent an email saying they wanted to interview me and would be in touch when they had an opening. They never did.

I attended one interview for a job in a building society. They wanted someone to work ten hours per week, meaning two hours per day, covering lunch break time for the full-time staff. This actually sounded good, because it’s hard to find jobs that work around my caring responsibilities. That’s the main reason why I write. I researched the company thoroughly, attended the interview and a couple of weeks later, was told I had the job. My life was changing already…

Rejection from Once In A Lifetime Experiences

I then decided to apply for all sorts of TV shows. I applied for everything I could. I mean, at my age I couldn’t go on Love Island or anything so I had to make it shows I could realistically make it onto. I applied for The Chase, Pointless, Tenable, Tipping Point and The Circle to name a few.

The outcome was that most of them never got in touch with me. The Circle invited me to the next stage but after that it never progressed because I was concerned about the mental health impact the show has on contestants. But I got a phone audition for The Chase, followed by a real world audition in a local hotel. And I got accepted to be on the show! I couldn’t believe it. I was going to be on TV, meet Bradley Walsh, have a chance to win thousands of pounds — a life changing amount of money! All because I was putting myself out there and not fearing rejection.

I didn’t actually make it to the show. More on that later…

Rejection From Publishers

The easiest way to build up those rejections was by sending out the short stories I had been working on all my life to publishers. There were dozens, and many of them, in my opinion, were of publishable standard. After all, I had spent a lifetime working on them and even used some of them in my portfolio towards the creative writing major in my degree course I took as a mature student — and earned a distinction.

So, I submitted and submitted and re-submitted. It was exhausting. Part of me said, these don’t have to be perfect because you’re aiming for rejections, not acceptances. My pride wouldn’t let me submit shoddy work though. Then I attended a course on writing in Scots and I decided to re-write some of my stories in my native language. This was difficult because I speak Scots but I can’t read or write in Scots very well. We are never taught that at school because they want to educate the language out of us. In fact, very few people still truly speak it the way myself and my family do. We’re Ayrshire natives, just like Robert Burns, so we believe in keeping the language alive. I started submitting those translations too, although there was a much smaller pool of places to submit to because not a lot of publications accept anything written in Scots.

The outcome was that I got one acceptance. It was my first acceptance from a publisher since 2006. Everything I have done since then, and every success I ever had, was due to self-publishing. I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t believe it. A deeply personal and treasured story that had been rejected by dozens of publishers was translated to Scots and accepted on the first attempt. Wow.

Rejection In Love

I’ve been married for a long time now — eighteen years actually. That’s a whole adult person who can vote and drink in the UK. There are people who are parents now who weren’t even conceived when I got married and that puts the length of time I’ve been a wife into perspective. But I was never happy with the wedding we had. Like many weddings, it became about what everyone else around us wanted, and nothing like we had imagined. It was something we brushed off at the time because we knew that the marriage is more important than the wedding but I was promised that at some point in the future, we would have a vow renewal that would be just about us and everything I had ever wanted for my wedding.

Now that I was feeling bold after the successes I was experiencing, I decided to start planning my vow renewal. It was going to be in Cyprus, on the beach, with just me, my husband and our son present. It was going to be so beautiful…

But my husband wasn’t really into it. He didn’t see the point in getting remarried, he said. It would just be a big waste of money.

I added it to the list of rejections, even though I never really asked for anything except what I had been promised in 2005. It stung the most. And I feel like I still don’t know how to handle rejection from men I love. There’s no amount of social experiments that will make something like that stop hurting. I was starting to understand that this life coach was drawing people into a system of being rejected, telling them that constant exposure to rejection would make them more resilient, but it’s not true. I still have a heart that can be broken and I don’t know how to harden myself to that. Maybe I don’t want to.

Rejection In Everyday Life

Then there were all the miscellaneous requests I made in my everyday life.

“Could you please reach onto that shelf for me? I’m too small” — to a random man in the supermarket. He said yes.

“There’s a stain on this skirt. Could you possibly reduce the price I’ll have to pay?” — to a sales assistant. Her manager said yes.

“My son has autism and struggles with queuing. It really stresses him out. Here’s his proof of disability from the DWP to confirm that. Can we please have a priority pass to skip the queue?” — They say yes. Always. And we are very grateful.

I mean, it was relentless. I just kept asking for things, for privileges, for unnecessary kindness and people always said yes. There wasn’t one time I can think of when I asked for something and was told no. It actually became quite irritating because I was trying to get rejected and nobody was rejecting me. I became concerned as the 90 day mark approached that I would not make it to my goal of 500 rejections. I wasn’t even halfway there. This was much harder than I had thought it would be.

The One Time An Acceptance Really Mattered

There was one time, however, when I really wanted a yes for something and I got a rejection. It was something that involved my son’s safety and wellbeing. It really mattered. It wasn’t part of the challenge. We needed a new transport buddy for my son to help him get to school independently, without us, because the buddy he had was negligent and left him alone in the middle of the street — a situation he could not cope with at that time. Getting a yes also meant I could continue working, maybe even full-time but certainly working more hours. Getting a no meant I would have to give up on my dreams of getting back out to work to earn a living and be financially independent and instead dedicate my days to driving him the long commute to and from his special school because it was the only safe option.

I got a blunt no.

They wouldn’t budge, even with negotiation. I tried everything. And nobody supported me or my son and I found that this one time, when it really mattered, rejection was not any easier to handle than it had been before. In fact, it was bloody impossible, and I became angry and resentful of the people who could have supported my request but did not. It tainted my relationship with his school and the teachers who had the power and influence to step in and help and decided to support their friends at the transport team instead of a vulnerable child.

Rejection sucks. But injustice sucks more.

Long term outcome

I don’t think I know how to handle rejection like a pro any more than I did at the start of this experiment — which was four years ago. I wanted to wait a while before writing about it so that I could tell you the long-term effects of this.

The job

I left the job after three months. Instead of ten hours per week, it involved overnight trips to England, keeping my diary open for 35 hours even if I only worked ten or less and being treated less respectfully than those who worked full-time. It did not end well. I was left wishing I had been rejected in the first place. It would have been a good thing. Feeling punchdrunk from the failed attempt at getting back out to work, I decided to keep writing instead.

The gameshow

I was scheduled to appear in February 2020. Something happened at the last minute which is still a mystery to me and they cancelled my appearance and put me back in the casting pool. I was then due to appear in December 2020 (cancelled due to self-isolation) and then in May 2021. That last time, it was clear my chance was over because I had been going through a major bout of agoraphobia after all the lockdowns and I was removed from the casting pool. As soon as I acquired a mental health problem, they were more than happy to drop me like a hot potato. It’s ok to not be ok, until you’re not ok. But that’s ITV for you… they aren’t renowned for being a channel who cares.

The vow renewal

Yeah, that’s never happening. Maybe one day I’ll just buy the wedding dress I always wanted for the hell of it, a nice eternity ring and wear them both on a gorgeous golden sandy beach. I can do that. I’m an independent 21st century woman. Maybe if I make enough from Medium that’s what I’ll spend my disposable income on.

Writing

I still write, I don’t often submit to publishers and when I do, I get rejected. It’s what prompted me to think about starting a Medium publication of my own, which is still in the works.

The miscellaneous requests

I just keep asking for stuff now and I keep getting what I want. I’m a diva and I’m not embarrassed about it. Mariah’s got nothing on me. I have the right to ask for what I want and people have the right to say yes or no. If there’s one positive that I’ve taken from this, it’s that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Originally published at https://rockpaperspirit.com on June 5, 2023.

Check out what else I do on Komi or Linktree.

If you like what I do and want to keep me hydrated so I can keep writing, you could buy me a hot chocolate.

If you enjoy reading stories like these and want to support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. It’s $5 a month and gives you unlimited access to stories on Medium. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission.