I Accidentally Learned How to Make Bagels: An Unhelpful Recipe

And Now You Can Too!!!!

Baking is only a science if you think too hard about it. I never think very hard if I can help it, so every time I bake it’s a wonderful adventure. Or a horrible tragedy. Suffice it to say, my kitchen tends to be rather interesting.

Much like every other basic white person in America these days, I’ve been using my quarantine vacation to get up to some baking. I’m not new to it — I’ve been baking bread for a few years now (to varying success) so I decided to push the envelope just a tiny little. I figured, why not make some bagels?

Bagels, as far as I can tell, are like bread but they aren’t quite bread. Bread I can do. I learned how to make bread from a recipe in this book, and also from this recipe. As for the “not quite” part — a few years ago I made pretzels and pretzels are also not quite bread. They’re boiled before you bake them, and bagels do the same thing. So I set out to smash my bread baking skills headfirst into the pretzel recipe that I barely remember reading three years ago.

This recipe is specifically for chocolate chip bagels, but the first bagels I made during quarantine were actually Everything bagels (because they’re my favorite). I basically did the same thing, but with onion powder and garlic powder instead of cinnamon and chocolate chips (duh). Also I covered them in Trader Joe’s “Everything But the Bagel” seasoning. It seemed like the obvious thing to do while drunkenly making up a bagel recipe.

You can also just put whatever you want in them. It’s food. It isn’t hard. Just throw some stuff together and maybe it will be edible.

My Ingredients

• 6 cups flour
• 2 tablespoons cinnamon, or more. I don’t know. It’s cinnamon — you just dunk a bunch in there and call it good.
• 2 tablespoons active yeast
• 2 1/2 tablespoons sugar (2 Tablespoons for proofing, 1/2 tablespoons with the dry ingredients)
• 2 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 1/2 cups warm water (1 cup for proofing; 1/2 cup + more if necessary for dough)
• 1 teaspoon baking spice, or extra cinnamon
• As many chocolate chips as you want
• 4 tablespoons olive oil
• Some (or a whole bunch) cinnamon sugar
• 1 tablespoon baking soda (this is not for the dough. DO NOT PUT IT IN THE DOUGH. Or do, I don’t care. I’m not your mom)

My Method

In a smallish bowl, combine your yeast with one cup of warm water and two tablespoons of sugar. I warm my water in my kettle as though I kinda want tea but fairly quickly realize “no, I don’t actually want tea” and turn the kettle off. So, like, warm. Anyway, give it all a quick stir and then set the bowl aside for ten minutes or so. Just long enough for it to get all frothy and gross looking.

In a large bowl (as in, pretty damn big or you’ll have a mess to clean up), combine your flour, cinnamon, salt, baking spice, and additional sugar. Mix it up a bit. Get acquainted.

When your yeast looks gross, dump it into your dry ingredients. Do not lick the proofing bowl. Trust me. Get that stuff stirring up pretty good. Then add your olive oil (or whatever oil, it’s all pretty much the same, I just only ever have olive oil), and an extra 1/2 cup of warm water. Now things should be starting to get pretty doughy. If you’re having trouble incorporating all of your dry ingredients, add water by the tablespoon until you get a nice doughy ball. If it’s too doughy and sticky and everything is terrible forever, go ahead and add a bit of flour. None of this is an exact science. Listen to your gut.

Now, if you’re truly listening to your gut then at this point your gut should be saying something like, “hey! There’s no chocolate chips in this! I thought you said we were making chocolate chip bagels, you liar.” Your gut is absolutely right. It’s time to add some chocolate chips. I started by adding half a cup — not for any particular reason, that’s just how many were left in the open bag in my pantry. I ended up putting more in there. Cram that dough ball full of as much chocolate as you want. As Bob Ross would say, “this is your own little world here,” follow your heart.

Is it a nice ball of doughy goodness yet? Don’t be afraid to get your hands in there. I prefer to knead it a little (but not too much) — kneading dough is fun and I live for amusement. Once you’re satisfied, put that dough in a lightly floured bowl (pro tip: just use the same bowl so there are fewer dishes to wash). Cover the dough with a damp kitchen towel and forget about it for a while.

Seriously, go watch a movie or something. Maybe play a game. Just don’t do anything that will keep you away from your delicious dough ball for longer than a few hours. A good benchmark if you’re the kind of weirdo that has to be precise about things is to let it rest for about an hour and forty-five minutes. It should be about double in size. Honestly though, I always forget how big it was in the first place so I just roll with it.

Now: the fun part. Lightly flour a work surface. Ideally, you should also clean your work surface first. Otherwise, depending on what’s on your countertop, you could die. Work your ball of dough a bit and start forming your bagels. This is exactly like playing with playdough. Keep in mind that they will puff up a little bit as they cook; so, if you make some really chonky ones you’re going to end up with really really chonky bagels.

It’s up to you though, make them as big as you want. The important thing is that you’re having fun. And also that you make sure to press the seams together really well or they could fall apart in the water.

Now get a pot of water boiling with one tablespoon of baking soda. I know, it seems weird, but I’m 53% sure that you’re supposed to do this. I did this, and my bagels were freaking delish, baby. I used a 3 quart pot and boiled one bagel at a time, if you use a giant pot you should probably scale up the amount of baking soda. The water is going to look cloudy, but if it’s obviously white then you probably used too much baking soda. If that’s the case, let me know how it turns out.

Prep a couple baking sheets with parchment paper while the water heats up. You’ll want to pull the bagels straight from the water onto the baking sheets. Parchment paper just makes your life easier later. You don’t want your bagels to stick too much. Plus, we’re going to sprinkle cinnamon sugar everywhere and that isn’t fun to clean up after it has baked onto the cookie sheet. Also take this time to preheat your oven to 375 degrees (Fahrenheit, obviously).

Plop your bagels into the boiling water (carefully if you don’t like to burn yourself). Boil each bagel for 3–5 minutes on each side. The boiling is what helps get your bagels that sorta crunchy on the outside texture. So base your boiling time off of how much you enjoy that aspect of a bagel.

When you pull the bagels out of the water, I recommend sticking a few more chocolate chips into each one. Chocolate chips will move around and congregate in your dough when you mix it, or get smashed into the dough and stop being chips. So if you shove a few more in before baking you can make sure that each bagel gets its fair share. Next, sprinkle cinnamon sugar all over the bagels. This takes your bagels from “you tried to make bagels, that’s so cute,” to “oh my god! These are amazing!”

Bake your bagels for about 25 minutes, or until they’re firm on the outside and look like bagels. Again, trust your gut. Set your timer for less than 25 and just take a peak now and then.

Congratulations! You just made something that is probably close enough to being a bagel that you can feel somewhat proud of yourself. Hey, I’m proud of you.

Hated my recipe? Want to learn how to make something else in an entirely un-scientific process? Have a general question about life that requires unhelpful advice? Shoot an email to [email protected]!