HUMOUR

I Accidentally 3D Printed My Clone, and Need Help Deciding What to Do With Myselves

Should I tell my family or not?

When I clicked submit on my computer late one evening, my 3D printer immediately whirred into action. I had no idea that eight hours later, my life would be turned upside down.

My son is a 3D printing expert, and I wanted to have intelligent conversations with him about his work. I don’t have much technical experience, so I decided to learn about 3D printing. I thought the best course of action was to build my own 3D printer and see if I could produce something. Along the way, I’d surely pick up knowledge, skills and technical jargon. Little did I know my plan would go horribly wrong.

After checking Google reviews, I ordered a printer from 3D Biosolutions. The company name should’ve been a red flag, but it went over my head as many things tend to do these days. When the larger-than-expected box arrived, I carried it down to my basement to unpack.

Along with nuts, bolts, screws and other parts, I found a large sealed container with the printing material enclosed. The expiry date on the label should’ve been my second clue that something wasn’t quite right. Plastics and other materials commonly used for 3D printing don’t usually have expiry dates.

Assembly of objects is a painful process for me. I’m impatient with written instructions and usually find them highly confusing. After six hours of frustrating trial and embarrassing amounts of error, my printer was finally set up. It stood on the floor like the frame of a slender elevator with open doors. Jutting from one side on a vertical sliding rail was a hinged metal arm holding a rotating head with a nozzle at the end.

How a 3D printer works

If you’re not familiar with this technology, a 3D printer works by squishing out molten material through a nozzle. The nozzle is on an arm that is moved around precisely under computer control. It prints one layer, waits for it to dry, and then quickly prints the next layer on top. You can use various materials to print anything from bobbleheads to houses, and the applications are endless.

The setup instructions said I should scan myself with the enclosed device, so I followed the directions and submitted the file. When the 3D scan of me appeared on the screen, I assumed it was a cool but rather unnecessary security feature. The printer beeped a few times and made some whirring noises — all part of the setup process, or so I thought. It was late so I went to bed.

The next morning

While enjoying my usual cup of tea in bed, I heard the familiar sounds of someone putting the kettle on in the kitchen. This wouldn’t have been alarming, except my husband was away for the weekend. Realizing I wasn’t alone in the house, I froze in shock. Before I could react, my bedroom door swung open and there stood my doppelganger — an identical twin.

So this is it, I thought, feeling faint — the day I finally lose my mind. In a flash, I ran through possible explanations for what I was seeing. Could I have banged my head on one of the many cabinet doors I’d no doubt left open while making tea? Could I perhaps have added too much rice wine to the tasty Thai noodle bowl I’d eaten for dinner?

And then My doppelganger spoke.

Hearing your own voice coming out of someone else’s mouth is deeply unsettling. It’s even more disturbing when it’s early morning, the person looks exactly like you, and you have no idea where they came from. I listened in stunned silence as my twin explained she’d “woken up” standing inside a metal frame in the basement and had no clue as to how she’d arrived there. Hearing noises, she’d made her way upstairs, and a craving for tea had led her to the kitchen. Before she knew it, she’d come face to face with me. Nobody was more shocked than her to find me in her bedroom, she declared.

An animated discussion ensued as we tried to figure out how this had happened and went through the pros and cons of there being two of us. Ever the optimist, the first thing that struck me was there could be some advantages to the situation. Assuming my clone was a reasonable person, we could arrange to share daily tasks. I’d get more sleep, have increased energy and time for the things I enjoy, including writing. I’d have half the work and double the free time. On the dark side, my clone might murder me in my sleep, but I tried to sweep these troublesome thoughts away.

Hindsight torments me about neglecting to upgrade the computer file to correct my wonky back and creaky knees. Also, if I’d known better, I could’ve used soft-focus mode during the scanning process. This would have resulted in a younger-looking version of myself and created amazement and wild envy among my friends.

As well as benefits, I could see disadvantages of having two of me. These include higher grocery bills and only enjoying 50% of family vacations. One of us would have to stay home and miss out. Also, what if we got mixed up? Does this ever happen with real identical twins? With my memory already unreliable, I might wake up one day and wonder — am I the original Gill or the clone, and then what? Yikes!

After discussing all this at length, we ended up with one question: what are we going to do with ourselves?

Good news and bad news

The good news is that the 3D printing material I used has an expiry date, after which one of us will collapse in a pile of dust. Hopefully, not the one that’s driving on the highway at the time! The bad news is the expiry date is five years from the date of opening the canister. This means I’ll have this problem for FIVE MORE YEARS!

Please help with my moral dilemma

3D printing a clone of myself could be the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to me. But the question remains — should I tell my family or keep it secret? I need to make a decision soon. One thing I love about my friends is they’re often willing to share thoughts and advice. I’m in a real pickle here, folks, and I’d love to know if you have any good suggestions for me. Thanks for your help!

© Gill McCulloch, August, 2021

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