Hurt People Don’t Always Heal People

Breaking the Cycle of Toxicity

Today, as always, my first task is answering your comments and checking notifications. The third comment I read hit me hard:

This was a comment on my article:

The Dark Side Of Alcohol In My Past

In this article, I let you all have a look at my dark past. I talked about my experience with alcohol and how this spirit, Alcohol, played a huge part in my family drama.

Are you strong enough to reach out to your mother?

The question is not whether I am strong enough. I am very aware of all frequencies and vibrations. During my journey and psychedelic treatments, I became even more sensitive than I ever was.

I experienced a severe brain injury, at only 7 months old, still a baby. I seemed to be dead for a brief moment but was brought to the hospital where I was pinned down on a bed for 3 weeks and not allowed to move. I don’t remember that time in the hospital, but my body does, and this trauma is still stored in my body, not as intensely as it used to be, but I can still feel this trauma, especially when working with plant medicine.

I am very grateful for this incident as it seemed to have wired my brain a bit differently. I always had vivid dreams, and I can recall bits of my psychedelic journeys, even parts of my DMT trip, my first out-of-the-body experience.

I was always a very quiet and shy little girl. My mother would shout, scream, and sometimes hit me.

I remember how I felt at about 5 years old when she had one of her aggressive episodes. I had to go to kindergarten, but the clothes in my cupboard were not perfectly folded, so she threw all my things out of the cupboard while screaming. I was crying so much that I felt like not being able to breathe at some point.

This is the first aggressive behaviour of my mother that I can remember. My little body was shaking everywhere, and my face had red freckles from my crying. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I lived all my younger life in fear of my mother. She was fun in one second, and in the other, it looked like she wanted to kill me. She was never ready to be a mother in the first place and she didn’t hide this fact. She tried to teach me to call her by her first name, not Mama or Mum or Mother. When we were on holiday or a trip, she always insisted that I call her by her first name, to be able to socialize with younger men. If I failed or forgot, she became furious.

One time I saw my mother choking our renter, who was late with his rent. His feet were in the air, my mother’s hands on his neck. He was not a small or weak man, but he was shocked that my mother was capable of doing this. After that, he moved out, and my mother took somebody else in. I saw the whole thing, but she looked at me and said if I say anything to the police, I am in big trouble. I just nodded. I was 13 years old and very scared. Fortunately, the police were never involved in this incident.

It took me years to get away from my mother and her rising toxicity. She became more and more aggressive and violent over the years. She became more and more addicted to painkillers and alcohol. She never managed to quit smoking and ended up having surgery for something (diverticulitis) that she could have fixed with a better diet, according to what the doctors said to me.

So no, it is not about whether I am strong enough to go back to the environment I came from. I am strong enough to stay out of this kind of environment.

I know that I can never have contact with her again, as long as she doesn’t want to improve and get better and right now she is further away from improving than ever.

She needs you more than you need her.

I tried my whole life to help her, and it took me around 30 years to see that she was and is incapable of any positive change.

Nobody can help anyone without the person who needs help seeing that they need help and accepting the help. Intention is key!

I need to heal and I am on my healing journey. I cannot heal others before I am completely healed. This might take a lifetime.

If I would go back to this toxic environment, she would suck all my energy out of me, as she did all these years.

My life energy belongs to me and not to my mother.

The best way to help her is to help my mind become peaceful, loving, and kind, to let go of everything that doesn’t serve me.

I am the black sheep of my family, and I am stopping these toxic patterns that have existed for centuries. It ends with me.

My kids have the chance to grow up in a loving, kind, and peaceful environment full of magic. I would never ever risk that to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

The decision to not have contact with my mother tore my heart apart for a long time, but it was a very necessary step for me. I wouldn’t be here writing stories, reflecting on my life, sharing my psychedelic journey, and self-development stage with you all if I hadn’t been brave enough to take this painful step in my life.

If I had not ended contact, I would have become more and more like my mother and the world doesn’t need another human being with that kind of toxicity level.

I used to drink quite a bit myself, of course just social drinking, but that is the kind of drinking that brings the majority of people in trouble.

I would still be unhappy, employed with a well-paid 9–5 job, living for the weekends, and not even being aware of my dreams and hopes because the old me didn’t believe that I deserved anything.

Never forget that you BECOME YOUR ENVIRONMENT! Be very mindful of who you let into your world!

I am strong enough to be myself. I am strong enough to let go of all the things that don’t serve me. I am strong enough to grow and reflect. I am strong enough for another Ayahuasca ceremony. I am strong enough to become a peaceful being and help others who have the right intention to find ways to achieve a peaceful mind and I am smart enough not to have contact with any toxic human beings.

I am looking for like-minded people who share similar goals. I had to make a decision: Either I help one person all my life and waste all my life energy (prana) on somebody who doesn’t want to be helped OR help myself to become a peaceful being and after healing myself help many others to achieve this state of a peaceful mind. I consciously decided on the second one.

Hurt people hurt people.

Only those who are fully healed can help without losing parts of their own life force (prana). — Alina Pitt

Feel loved, feel hugged.

Namasté

Alina

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