How You’re Being Selfish in Your Marriage and Don’t Even Realize It

Adopt these 7 behaviors and change your relationship overnight.

Human beings are innately selfish.

Phrases like “I’m getting what’s mine” and “What’s in it for me” are not only accepted norms in today's society — they are the mantras that drive many of us every day.

Unfortunately, in corporate America's fiercely competitive world, this type of attitude exists in many companies. To get ahead, you must outperform others. You must take on that high profile client or work extra hours to gain attention and notoriety so that when it comes time for your performance review, you will get your reward.

Oftentimes to further your progress in your chosen profession, you must be somewhat selfish. Although, this is often disguised as other desirable characteristics as mentioned in an article, “7 Things Selfish People Do in the Workplace” in “Inc.” magazine:

Selfishness is disguised as confidence, bravado, “expertise” and drive.

The 7 selfish behaviors listed in the article are:

1. They Withhold Important Information
2. They Do Not Respect Other People’s Time
3. They Do Not Like to Teach
4. They Do Not Listen
5. They Avoid Responsibility
6. They Take All the Credit
7. They Bring Others Down to Build Themselves Up

If you are exposed to these day-in and day-out at work, it could cause some major damage in your personal life if you bring any of them home. All of these behaviors are the flip-side of those that should exist in a good marriage.

So how do you prevent this selfishness from creeping in and dominating your marriage?

You must think of yourself less by being self-less.

Adopt the Opposite Behaviors of a Selfish Person

If you replace those 7 things a selfish person does in the workplace with a more selfless spin, your marriage will flourish.

The key here is to put your spouse's needs ahead of your own, expecting nothing in return. That is the hard part for most people, including me.

Many problems in marriages stem from one or both spouses being selfish in one way or another. When this occurs, your focus ends up being more about what your spouse isn’t giving you or doing for you instead of what the focus should be — what you can contribute to the relationship.

In the book “Standing for Something” by Gordon B. Hinckley, he shares what selfishness can do to a marriage.

A fundamental issue that accounts for a high percentage of marital problems is selfishness. I say this out of experience — more experience than I would care to have — in dealing with such tragedies. I find selfishness to be a major factor in divorce.

Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women. Selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life.

Replacing selfish behaviors with selfless ones is a step in the right direction. As you do so, your mindset and approach will change from a focus of “I’m getting what’s mine” and “What’s in it for me” to “How can I show more love” and “What can I do for my partner so that they feel fulfilled and valued.”

1. Provide Insight and Promote Unity

Replaces — Withhold Important Information.

You and your spouse are a team and equal in your marriage. Unity is such an important thing to foster. You gain nothing by withholding any information from your spouse that can promote more unity in your relationship.

If there is contention in the important areas such as parenting style, money management, faith/religious beliefs, political views, a preferred place to live, etc., the relationship will likely become strained, and selfishness will creep in.

Disagreements are inevitable, but if a couple is unified in these critical areas, a greater connection can be made.

I am not saying a relationship cannot survive if there are differences in these areas. However, being unified makes your bond stronger, and you will be able to better navigate through hardships that come your way and enjoy the journey.

2. Respect Your Spouse’s Time

Replaces — Do Not Respect Other People’s Time.

One of my favorite relationship quotes of all time is one by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

“In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”

Spending time with each other as a couple not only strengthens the bond you have — it also demonstrates that you think your time is well spent by doing things with your significant other.

Everyone has different love languages, which can be found in the book by Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages,” but most of us put “quality time” at the top of our list as the most important way our spouse can show love.

In fact, the quantity of time you spend is secondary in importance to the quality of the time you have. Depending on your relationship and where you are in life, many things pull you away from the ones you love.

When you spend time together, make it high quality to be a good memory, not a bad one.

Time is measured in years, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds, etc. Time has a past. Time has a future. Every fleeting moment is the “present.”

Live in the present with your partner every chance you get, and you will one day see the word present in a whole different way — as a gift.

Find similar interests and hobbies so that you can spend more time together than apart.

I am so thankful that my wife and I are best friends and do everything together. I think this is one reason we have such a strong marriage, the amount of time we spend together.

3. Loves to Teach and Share Ideas

Replaces — Do Not Like To Teach.

It's so true that opposites attract. As a result, each partner in a marriage brings their own unique strengths and talents to the relationship.

One spouse is usually better at some things than the other and vice versa.

For example, I am what you could call “directionally challenged.” Even after I live in a city for many years, I still can’t seem to find my way around to save my life. Thank goodness for navigational apps on our smartphones. If it weren’t for those apps, my wife would need to send out a search party many times I ventured out by myself.

On the other hand, my wife can go someplace once and remember how to go there again without any help. Not only that — but she has also figured out other alternative ways to get there.

So as we go places together, I will ask for the best way to get there. I used to drive around in circles or miss an exit (I still do). But more often now, I recognize this weakness and lower my pride because I know she can teach me a thing or two in this area.

My wife is also very good at cooking, baking, and all things in the kitchen. I am more of an assembler/slicer when it comes to the kitchen, and she often refers to me as her “sous-chef” as she teaches me the best way to cut an onion or a tomato for the gazillionth time.

Teaching with patience is so important, even if you have to repeat the lesson many times.

One of my key contributions in my marriage is managing our finances and keeping up with our monthly budget. My wife doesn’t like doing things that involve numbers, and I do, so that works out great since she does so much for me.

As you know, money management cannot be done in a vacuum. Even though it’s not her thing, she is always eager to learn and share in the decision-making process related to money.

Each spouse contributes in different ways, but the key here is that both are equal partners in the marriage. In areas of weaknesses, one spouse can buoy the other up by patiently teaching and sharing their strengths.

4. Listen Intently and Assess Any Needs

Replaces — Do Not Listen.

Communication is a cliche that must be in any marriage, but one important aspect that we forget about is the listening side.

In fact, I would say that the listening part is the selfless action in communication where you demonstrate that your concerns are theirs first. An unselfish partner in a marriage makes everything be all about the other.

When you truly listen, do so with these questions in mind:

• What are their real needs to feel fulfilled in their life and your relationship, and how can you help?
• What really makes them happy, and what can you do to help them instead of hindering it?
• What are they truly passionate about, and what can you do to help them pursue it?
• Is there anything you are doing that is causing them undue stress, and what can you do to help relieve this stress?
• Insert your own question here related to specific needs you have as a couple with the intent of how you can help.

You can only answer these questions about your spouse if you do less talking and put your listening cap on to determine their real needs.

The common action word in each of these questions is “help.” If you put forth the effort to learn what their needs are, they will likely feel inclined to find ways to help you too.

5. Take Responsibility for Your Actions

Replaces — Avoid Responsibility.

There will be disagreements and arguments in your marriage. It’s inevitable.

You will say or do something hurtful that you wish you could take back. “Think before you speak” is some of the best advice I’ve ever been given. I wish I would follow it more.

We are only human and will continue to make mistakes. The important thing is to take responsibility for your actions. Stop blaming others or your circumstances for the things you do or say.

We are all a work-in-progress on this journey we call life.

If you’re blessed enough to share it with a special someone, then be sure to recognize they are human too. Forgiveness must be handed out liberally.

In any disagreement, take responsibility and be the first to swallow your pride and say the two most unused words in a marriage — “I’m sorry.”

If it’s not something serious, these two words will almost always diffuse any situation and melt away many bad feelings. Positive and unselfish love has a higher energy vibration than any negative feelings, such as anger and bitterness, so it will always win.

Don’t hold grudges — those are marriage killers. Let go of unkind feelings you have toward your spouse and take responsibility for your own feelings as they are the only thing you can control.

6. Give All the Credit

Replaces — Take All the Credit.

One selfish behavior that I think is the worst is what I like to call “tooting your own horn.” This is done by selfish people who yearn to draw attention to themselves as heroes, even when they aren’t truly responsible for the solution or positive outcome.

This type of competitive behavior causes bitter feelings in the workplace and has no place in a marriage. Humans are intelligent beings and seldom need others to point out who is responsible and deserves credit.

Respect is not given to those who like to give themselves a pat on their own back. Quite the contrary, actually.

If you take a different approach, recognition of credit bubbles its way to the top on its own, and you will feel more validated as someone else points it out anyway.

Take the lead in your marriage using a different approach, what I like to call “leading from behind.” Our society is obsessed with the notion that you must be out in front leading the charge to be a great leader.

I had a boss that liked to view the organization chart flipped upside down with them at the bottom. This type of approach of leadership is known as “servant leadership.” This not only works well in business, but it also does wonders for any marriage.

I have found it to be more effective to lead by example in my marriage. If you focus on providing guidance and serving them instead of putting your brilliance in the spotlight, that alone will pay huge dividends in your relationship.

Give all the credit to them, even when you play a part in the solution.

7. Build Others Up

Replaces — Bring Others Down To Build Themselves Up.

Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader and fan, not their biggest critic. If they want to learn something new — encourage and enable them. The worst thing you can do is discourage or downplay any interests they have, especially if the intent is building yourself up.

There are many psychological reasons to offer positive encouragement to your spouse. According to a recent article in US News, more than 4 in 10 Americans are struggling with mental health issues stemming from the coronavirus pandemic, a new survey found.

In a year such as 2020 that has seen so much uncertainty and negativity with increased cases of depression, anxiety, and stress, we should be building each other up and adding support to one another instead of contributing to the problem.

My wife and I are each other’s biggest fans and best friends. I am so blessed to have a wife that lights up any room she walks into and is a friend to everyone. She is one of the most positive “glass half full” and giving people I know. It is not hard to be her biggest fan, which makes me want to be the kind of person she cheers on.

Final Thoughts

In a world where selfishness abounds, it's hard not to get sucked into that way of thinking and have it leak into your marriage even when you aren’t aware it's happening.

If you consciously adopt behaviors of a selfless person, that will help safeguard your marriage from the selfish “norm” in society and make it one in which selflessness grows and provides a loving, encouraging environment where both spouses flourish and feel safe.