How You May Be Self-Sabotaging Your Own Happiness

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Self-sabotaging behavior. We all do it at some point or another.

For some strange reason, we sometimes purposely perform or avoid an action that we know will get in the way of our intent. Jesus knows I’ve done it a million times, despite that I know better. Well, most of the time.

Humans are complex creatures. We have a knack for getting in our own way — we don’t always say what we mean or do what we know is good for us. We even sabotage our own happiness for the sake of the “story” we keep telling ourselves. Go figure.

Maybe you’re trying to lose a few pounds.

Obviously one more cookie won’t make a difference.

Got a deadline to meet?

You’ll focus much better when you finish binge-watching that series on Prime.

Or maybe you’re not happy or content with your partner?

You can get to that after you finish washing the car and cleaning your office.

Humans are habitual creatures too. Our self-defeating actions can be countless and deadly because they are so subtle in nature — procrastination, overeating, drugs or alcohol, interpersonal and/or internal conflict.

You might not notice how the extra drink or another piece of birthday cake builds over time to create a deep sense of self-defeat that becomes super hard to shake.

Recently, an intelligent woman I know and respect was telling me a part of her “story”. She had loved and lost throughout her life like so many of us have — she had endured rejection, heartache and soul-wrenching pain. And though she has reached a mature, 50-plus age, I was shocked when she told me that her anxiety and depression was ignited from an early relationship break-up when she was just 18 years-old and had remained with her since.

She said: “I’ve not been able to find a decent man who will stay with me when all I have ever wanted was to love someone.”

Her internal dialogue continues to flow on a destructive feedback loop and spills into all facets of her life from both her personal and professional relationships, to her life experiences, to damaged feelings of self-worth, to severe trust issues.

At 18, she had internalized a sense of worthlessness as a result of her perceived “failed” relationship which induced a self-defeating story that she continues to tell herself, thereby empowering the false belief that she cannot find a man who will stay with her. Or, that she is not good enough for such a man to share her life.

By continuing to believe in her story, she is, by default, self-sabotaging her own happiness.

We all wish to live a happy life, but being happy is not always an easy task. We may show various signs of self-sabotaging behavior patterns by looking for happiness in the wrong places and not paying enough attention to our passions — lovers, friends, family, desires and hobbies.

The stuff that lights us up on the inside and makes our heart sing.

Isn’t it about time you stop self-sabotaging your happiness and follow your happy place?

People who self-sabotage their own happiness may do these things:

Stress — They stress easily.

Life is a dance. Not a life sentence.

Principles — They don’t have principles or know when to apply them.

Don’t bend. Believe in yourself and your intuition and trust where that takes you. You’ll be respected for your clarity of purpose, honesty and integrity.

You’ll find your personal power.

Laughter — They don’t laugh much. Kids in comparison laugh much more than adults. As adults we fail to prioritize fun.

Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good chuckle. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope and connects you to others. It also helps you release anger and negativity and forgive sooner.

Planning — They don’t think planning for the future, e.g. career, goals, or finances, applies to them.

Having a goal and a plan for the future focuses your attainment of knowledge and forces you to be a deliberate creator and visionary. It also helps you to organize your time and your resources so that you can make the most of your life.

Motivations — They don’t understand what motivates them — money, power, prestige, or helping others. So, they choose the wrong career.

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”

- William James

Finding ways to increase motivation is crucial because it allows us to change behavior, develop competencies and be creative and productive. Our interests and desires change, evolve and increase with motivation. Striving for our dreams and moving in the direction of something we desire gives our lives more purpose and value.

Bad Partner Choices — They marry or are dating the wrong person and they know it.

The quality of our relationships is a super important component to our happiness. Yet often times we tend to overlook or turn a blind eye to an unsatisfactory connection, easily falling into a “safe pattern” and ignoring our discontentment for fear of change.

Satisfying relationships not only make us happy, they also influence our long-term health as much as getting enough sleep, mental well-being, outlook and eating healthy.

Psychology Today reinforces the impact of our relationships on happiness:

“It seems there are biological, behavioral, and emotional pathways. Partners and friends or family can encourage us by listening, showing that they care, helping our self-esteem, motivating us to be healthy, or distracting us from our stressors. On the other hand, criticism and ongoing unresolved conflict can make us feel more stressed and take energy away from managing our problems.”

Unhealthy Internal Dialogue — Stop being so hard on yourself!

The World Health Organization estimates over 300 million people suffer from depression, and even more from anxiety. Medication is not the answer. Knowing and believing in your unique path, life journey and worth is.

You are an amazing individual with much to offer the world and no one is quite like you.

And you are not alone. We humans once lived in tribes. We were never designed to be alone and we were never designed to live without goals, love or purpose.

Choosing Alone — They live alone and don’t prioritize spending time with real life people daily.

It is completely fine to want and be alone at times. In fact, we probably all need time alone to unwind, re-energize and breathe (I certainly do). However, you should not distance yourself from your friends and those who love you too much. Humans are social creatures; we all love and need to have someone to talk to.

Someone we can trust.

Thanks for your time! I’m self-sabotaging over at Whispering Ink — do drop by!