How You Know That Girl You Met on Tinder Isn’t a Real Witch.

A Victim of Witchcraft Speaks Out

I pride myself on being open-minded. I do not like to discount possibilities without direct reason. I take special care in respecting the worldviews of others, even if I think they are wrong. However, I have a confession to make, while I would appreciate any religion or metaphysical claim, especially if well-defended when a girl tells me they are an occultist, practitioner of the dark arts, or any other stand-in for “witch,” I simply can no longer help the internal cringing that ensues.

“Sharon” was an interesting character. After a pleasant, if not middling, first hour of our Netflix and Chilling, Sharon revealed to me that she was not just a quirky young lady who frequented Hot Topic, but that she was, in fact, a witch.

After escorting me past a now-opened door, I was greeted with animal bones and twigs fashioned into various symbols, strung carefully over a candle-laden altar. Featured at its center was an “antique” dagger which surely would make the locked display at any Spencer’s gifts. After divulging the details of the “love spell” that she had cast in order to summon me to her inbox, Sharon could sense my discomfort.

While I was indeed offended that I was the target of slap-dash witchery without consent, and a tad annoyed at the lackadaisical way in which she revealed to me that I did not possess free will — I opted to stay for an episode or two of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (yes, that’s what she chose) because I feared a quick exit would all but ensure an equally unceremonious curse or hex would quickly replace the spell of love of which she claimed I was under.

You’re a witch…but not a millionaire?

I imagine there would be many advantages to mastering the mystic arts. Yet astonishingly, all these conjures and sorcerers seem to have the same-ass problems as I do! Further, if you are to claim that you are indeed magically inclined but simply have yet to acquire a power beyond securing sporadic Tinder dates, then I wouldn't say you've quite earned the title of “Witch.” I have a passing interest in killing house plants, this does not make me a botanist.

“You expect me to believe that you have summoned me to this location by the sheer power of your mystical skill, but have yet to summon yourself a job??”

Recently I received an unsolicited Instagram “DM” from a self-described mystic who claimed that his over-the-net spells could help me with that upcoming job interview, rekindle the passion of a past lover, or even sway the jury and judge in my court case. This must be how OJ did it! Now, that is a powerful wizard: willing and able to manipulate the will of dozens of people and undermine the criminal justice system, all for a small fee on Venmo.

Yet, the question arises of why such a powerful being would need to spam the Instagram DMs of lowly writers to make ends meet. Even better, why any rational person would accept that this man somehow has more power over their life than they do.

Superstition is silly… Now, pass me my crystals.

The wicked path of witchcraft and dark magic comes from humble beginnings. Most simply start with intrigue in history’s religions, increased awareness of nature, or perhaps are fueled by some underlying desire to distance themselves from man’s imposition and become attune with their spiritual side.

Unfortunately, despite their ideological tendencies toward a unified consciousness, and “achieving harmony with the universe,” these enlightened individuals are shockingly not all about peace and love. They often thumb their noses at traditional religion and popular metaphor while boasting that a more evolved form of spirituality has been revealed to them in their own minds. A process that most often takes place with the aid of psychedelics.

Though the wordplay revolves around a higher purpose and transcendent meaning, the unfortunate conclusion of my observations is that the clear majority of Hogwarts rejects are more likely to sacrifice a goat to the Pastafarian spaghetti monster than to humble themselves before any conceived “higher power.” What is quickly revealed beyond the cursory probing is that they indeed consider themselves their own gods: their doctrine changes with their mood, and their theology shifts with the wind.

This is because everything is within their power. Anything good that happens to them was “manifested” by their sick vibes and mellow energy. Explaining why in recent times the rhetoric has shifted away from seeking solitude with a higher power to connecting with your “higher self.” It is fascinating to see the ease with which one can cover over their own narcissism by displacing their overflowing ego onto an undefined ethereal form of themselves. A graceful process that barrels through any objection by the sheer weight of its inconsistency.

“Shout out all da vamp teen moms, I love y’all.”

Alas, to all my Tinder witches, Ya’llternative queens, and black-clad single mothers, I ask that you take my criticism with a grain of salt.

It is not my intent to disprove sorcery nor make broad-stroke claims about the magically inclined. I have not vigorously pursued the truth of paranormal ritual nor have I developed any philosophical model in which such supernatural manipulation is impossible. However, let’s be frank, if witches and wizards are real, these types give ’em a bad name.

So in closing, please don’t cast a spell on me — I hope the moon goddess smiles on you, your fortune cookie shines bright, and that you manifest all the Etsy custom jewelry you desire.

Peace & love — a former victim of witchcraft