Summary

The web content discusses the process of becoming unstuck from a life rut caused by trying to have it all, dismissing past trauma, and confusing being needed with being loved, and outlines steps for personal growth and change.

Abstract

The article "How You Got Stuck In The Rut" delves into the common reasons individuals feel trapped in their lives, such as the pursuit of an unattainable "everything," the minimization of past traumas, and the misconception that being indispensable equates to being loved. It emphasizes the importance of seeking help from professionals or resources, changing one's environment to align with current needs, and embracing solitude to embark on a personal journey of growth. The text also advises on maintaining progress by committing to thriving rather than merely coping, and measuring success not by immediate happiness but by long-term control over one's life.

Opinions

The author suggests that the belief in having it all without learning to balance or choose leads to feeling stuck due to unrealistic expectations.
Dismissing past trauma and operating from fear can manifest in various life issues, indicating that unaddressed emotional wounds contribute to feeling trapped.
The article posits that mistaking being needed for being loved can result in a cycle of self-protection through utility rather than genuine connection.
Seeking external help, whether through paid services or free resources, is encouraged, with a caution against relying solely on life experience without professional knowledge.
Changing one's environment is seen as essential for growth, especially when personal evolution outpaces the suitability of one's current surroundings.
The journey to becoming unstuck is depicted as a solitary path that should not be contingent on the approval or support of others, including family and friends.
The text advocates for a commitment to thriving beyond coping mechanisms, which may involve stepping out of one's comfort zone and making significant life changes.
Success in staying unstuck is measured by the level of control one has over their life, rather than immediate emotional responses.

How You Got Stuck In The Rut

And how to get unstuck

AdobeStock_209233825.jpeg (Svyatoslav Lypynskyy)

You have whispered in the dark to yourself that you thought life would be different. You have pondered questions about why you feel stuck in your life when you have accomplished more than others expected. You believed that if you played by the rules, you would win. You watched the reality shows, read the magazines, and cheered for the movie that made you believe you could have it all.

Now, you are tired, frustrated, or fed up with trying to make people happy and have no idea how to make yourself happy. You are stuck in a rut.

How You Got Stuck

Trying to have it all

Since you believed that you could have it all, you did not learn to balance. You did not learn to choose. Instead, you positioned yourself to be chosen. Then spent all of your energy remaining in good favor.

You did not learn to say no, or take no for an answer. You piled everything on your plate that you thought tasted good, only to find out you don’t have the stomach for it. Now, you are dealing with the reality that you cannot have it all, and that makes you feel like you don’t have enough. You feel stuck.

Dismissing trauma

You dismissed the trauma from your past, believing that it did not matter as long as you worked hard. Surface evidence of harm is almost absent, and your trauma is invisible to the eye. You are a strong one.

Unfortunately, you operate from a position of fear and the avoidance of pain. Divorce at your doorstep, ineffective parenting, addiction, & physical pain became your voice for the trauma you’ve kept hidden. You feel stuck.

Understudy for Love

You live to protect yourself. You self-protect by doing. You make yourself useful to others and accept their dependence on you as love. Lately, you have started to question the difference between feeling loved and feeling needed.

You know how to make people need you. You are unsure how to make people show you love. You think that stating your desires about how you want to be treated should work. Yet, it hasn’t. You feel stuck.

Getting Unstuck

You have known for a while that life can be better, but don’t know how to shift. You have no one in your circle of influence that you can rely on to show you the way out.

Get help

You have to find answers outside of yourself. Take your pick of people to help you: therapist, coach, empowerment partner, or mentor. If you can’t afford direct professional help, you can rely on indirect support.

These days, many professionals offer access to free or almost free resources such as blogs, books, and videos. Find one or two people to follow that meet your needs after trying out eight or nine.

Whether you are paying for service or accessing free resources, don’t just go with the most accessible one. Think critically about their level of expertise, guiding principles about healing, and experience in addressing your specific issues.

Price is not everything. Sometimes you get what you pay for, and other times, you get a lot less. However, beware of people using only their limited life experience to offer help. Education and professional knowledge should be combined with life experience.

Change your environment

Birds of a feather flock together, and misery does love company. Part of the reason you feel stuck is that you have outgrown your environment. The environments that you selected in a state of emotional immaturity no longer serve your needs.

Perhaps your career success has grown your confidence, and you no longer want to be controlled by your partner. Maybe living openly as a member of the LGBTQ community makes you uncomfortable within your religious affiliation. Having biracial grandchildren make you much less tolerant of passive discrimination. As a new empty-nester, you may no longer feel comfortable spending holidays with your dysfunctional birth family.

The older we get, the less willing we are to change, especially our environments. A stagnant mindset will keep us stuck. But, if we want to live happily in our fifties, we need to adopt the mental flexibility of our twenties.

Go alone

When you are ready to get unstuck, you have to accept the radical journey of aloneness. The message to move forward in your life is personal. It is not intended to make an evangelist out of you. Your job is to move yourself forward, not the world.

After you have traveled far enough on your new journey, you can determine if you have a message for the world. But, trying to save the world is an obstacle to becoming unstuck.

Your family and close friends are included in the world. Do not determine the value of your journey by the support you receive from loved ones. Overly relying on their support is part of how you got stuck. Free them and yourself from the burden of expectation. Move on with independence and without permission or support.

Staying Unstuck

You have done a great job of coping in the world. You know how to cope. But to stay unstuck, you will have to commit to thriving, not just coping.

Coping is familiar. You have gotten as far as you can go with a familiar life. To remain unstuck, you have to agree to live outside of your comfort zone.

You may have to replace religious services with spiritual practices. If your focus is on your health, you may decide to cook only for yourself if your family doesn’t want to eat healthily. You may quit your job and pursue entrepreneurship to build a life of independence. Staying unstuck will require you to do things you have never done.

Measure your movement

Getting and remaining unstuck is not about being a happier person, at least not immediately. Every change you make will have immediate consequences. Often immediate consequences won’t feel right. So, it would be best if you did not use your feelings to determine success.

Secondary, or short-term consequences, will feel better, and long-term consequences will make you wish you had gotten unstuck sooner. But live without regret.

For example, if you stop spending holidays with your dysfunctional birth family, the first year may be challenging. You may feel a sense of guilt and struggle to explain your decision. The next holiday season, you make plans early and look forward to drama-free celebrations. Long-term, you feel empowered and achieve much more as you make many more decisions that you once thought were selfish.

You measure your success by how much control you have over your life. Instead of reacting to others’ expectations of you, you define life on your terms.