How You Ended Up in an ‘It’s Complicated’ Relationship with Yourself

To fall in love with a beautiful stranger

The other day, as I concluded my shower and mindlessly dried off, my eyes found their reflection in the mirror amidst the steam. It was one of those moments where time stands still. Like a deer caught in headlights, I was transfixed by my own gaze. There’s no look quite as intimidating as our own.

The greatest contradiction and revelation came to mind.

It struck me that I don’t feel any different from the 16-year-old teenager in high school, or the 23-year-old young woman who wanted to conquer the world. Yet, I find it hard to recognize myself in comparison to them.

We all know time passes, yet we’re shocked when it does.

How’s your ‘adulting’ going? If you don’t mind me asking…

Remember when you thought adults had everything figured out? I do.

How naive… As a kid, I looked at an adult and hoped they could solve my every single problem. Now, as an adult, I look at a kid, and beg for him not to ask me to help them solve theirs.

I know I’m not doing it all wrong, after all, I’m here, writing these words for you to read them, with my dog by my side, and I’m loving today’s sunset.

Did anyone ever truly master the art of adulting? I ran late for that class…

This is your opportunity to be objective, but not harsh on yourself. You’re ALWAYS doing what you can with what you have.

Even chess grandmasters screw up every now and then, and they’ve been playing for tens of thousands of hours. So, no matter how figured out you think your adulting should be, it doesn’t work like that.

It’s ok not to have everything figured out

It’s ok not to have everything figured out by the time you’re 25.

It’s ok not to have everything figured out by the time you’re 45.

Or 55.

Or 65.

Or later than that.

It’s ok not to have a clue. It’s ok to feel like a teenager who went to bed yesterday and woke up older today. It’s ok to feel the pressure of the clock ticking.

Everything goes awry when we try adulting. When we force ourselves on a deathly seriousness. Serious as a heart attack.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s ok to be responsible and self-accountable, but there’s a fine line. When our obsession with adulthood takes over, life starts to feel like we’re running for our lives in The Hunger Games. A fight for survival in a dystopian nightmare…

We take ourselves too seriously, we take life too seriously, we take all this adulting thing too seriously.

We hurry through life as if we were going to die today. Yet when it comes to what really matters, we act as if we were going to live forever.

Why do you feel locked in your ‘It’s complicated’ relationship?

Is it because you’ve let go of your dreams to please society? Because you compare yourself to others? Because you’ve set impossibly high standards? Or because you’re consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own?

Maybe it’s because you have unresolved issues you avoid working on, or you keep avoiding new challenges due to the fear of failure.

Perhaps it’s because you feel uncomfortable with changes in life, or you cling too much to the way things are.

Maybe you don’t take the time to truly understand yourself, to be there for yourself.

Or you rely heavily on others’ opinions and approval to define your self-worth.

Maybe you can’t say no, or you’re too harsh on yourself.

Maybe you seek happiness and calmness outside.

Maybe it’s all of them.

Yes.

That’s why adulting is so overrated. Stop trying to adult. Let your authentic self shine through, and let your ‘adulting’ be the outcome of that, not the other way round.

I fell in love with a beautiful stranger

Lately, I’ve learned a lot about dating myself. Taking myself out for coffee, enjoying my own jokes — because I’m so hilarious — or going to the cinema, and sometimes, just giving myself some space. It’s important to know when to say, ‘I need me-time, away from me’.

I aim to find equilibrium between social interactions, productive alone time, and self-reflection. While I tend to be a lone wolf, I prioritize maintaining this balance, for the sake of my mental health.

When I find myself being overly critical or insistent, I make a conscious effort to take a step back. Just as it’s not advisable to stare directly at the sun, it’s wiser to take your time, adjust to the nuances of light, and proceed gradually. Otherwise, the direct light will blind you. It gets too intense to deal with it.

It’s important to learn to love that wonderfully complex relationship we have with ourselves.

At the end of the day, we’re all we’ve got.

You’re the ONLY person who’ll be there for you, always, anytime. And that’s not just good enough, it’s so revealing and liberating.Actually, it doesn’t get better than that. Only when you embrace that, you’ll be emotionally available for others.

Whether it’s singing in the shower, off-key and at the top of our lungs, or having a full-blown conversation with the houseplant — which can get quite deep — these are the moments when we’re truly us. They’re not glamorous, they won’t make a highlight reel, but they’re the real victories.

Embrace that.

Thanks for reading!