31 DAYS OF GENTLENESS
How to Gently Let Go of Emotional Bypassing for Opening Your Heart
Day 13: Learn to spot the 6 signs of emotional bypassing and how you can create safety in letting go
Emotional bypassing happens when we don’t allow ourselves to fully process our negative feelings.
For a start, we may not be consciously aware that we are emotionally bypassing. Through the years, we may have actually closed our hearts. Our desire is to protect ourselves from the trauma that we’ve once experienced. Yet, it’s through the same channel that we experience both positive and negative feelings. By opening our hearts, we give ourselves the chance to make a shift from sadness to joy, from anger to peace, and from fear to love.
Thus, the question is: how can we let go of emotional bypassing gently, so that we can feel safe to process through our negative feelings?
Indeed, I’ve observed how scary it can feel to explore my shadow parts. It took me a long time to realise that I have been emotionally bypassing myself. Admittedly, I was afraid of unearthing even more wounds and I did not like the idea of feeling vulnerable. Thus, for a long time, I showed up behind the false mask of having everything together.
Well, I got tired of feeling out of sorts, disconnected and in conflict. My turnaround happened after deciding that I’ve got enough of my own excuses. It became clear to me that it was time to let go of emotional bypassing, so that I could get better answers to how I was sabotaging myself.
Through this post, I’d like to share more about spotting the signs; so that more of us can be aware of the traps found in emotional bypassing and to create safety in letting go.
What Emotional Bypassing Is
Most of us have learned to sweep our negative feelings under the carpet or we gloss over them by “willing” the mind to think positively. Say, something traumatic happens to us. We don’t face it because we fear feeling worse off. Thus, instead of grieving or being upset, we simply put on a brave front and pretend that all is fine.
In another instance, we guilt-trip ourselves for feeling negative because we tell ourselves that we “ought” to be grateful. We believe that we have no right to complain about feeling poorly where someone else is in a more disadvantaged situation. And so we stuff our feelings inside.
In case you don’t know this, emotional bypassing is often referred to as spiritually bypassing. It was the late psychologist John Welwood who coined the term spiritual bypassing to describe what he saw in a Buddhist community. He describes it as the “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” In the practice of non-attachment, many Buddhists deny what they truly feel.
However, those who practice other religions can be spiritually bypassing too. It happens where we are led to believe that a higher power will take care of our troubles and therefore there is no need for us to deal with hard feelings like anger, grief, fear, loneliness, envy, and shame. As a result, we adopt a sense of false positivity.
Consequences of Emotional Bypassing
Unfortunately, when we don’t allow ourselves to release our negative feelings safely, they build up over time. It is possible that we develop issues like anxiety, depression, and mental disorders. According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, excess emotional activity can also create organ impairments and affect physical health. When there are emotional wounds that are unresolved, our painful memories can come back to haunt us. It’s why we react excessively to small triggers. And we may find ourselves in repeated self-sabotage. Not forgetting, the body still remembers the trauma. Thus, we are in the same habitual patterns even though what we do doesn’t serve us.
Our ability to form healthy and loving relationships gets impacted. When we hold on to anger, we can’t truly forgive. For fear that we don’t get hurt again, we may choose to push away the ones who matter to us most. Because we secretly keep score, we show up with irritation, impatience, and frustration. At the same time, we are unwilling to be honest with what we are truly feeling. These are examples of how emotional bypassing can lead to problems in our relationships.
In the way forward, let’s recognise that we have the power to choose. We can continue to be unhappy or we can choose to open our hearts to explore our fears. Well, I hope it is the latter option that you are choosing because by doing so, you are more likely to find transformation.
Steps to Letting Go of Emotional Bypassing Gently
Give yourself permission to proceed gently.
Create a healing space by first bringing attention to the breath and allowing yourself to relax and rest.
Next, ask yourself if emotional bypassing is something you have been doing. Make the intention of not judging yourself, if it is true. Here are some possible signs…
- Ignoring the pain from traumatic experiences in the past and pretending that everything is okay.
- Hiding anger, rage, and frustration under frozen smiles.
- Feeling bad about feeling bad because you ought to be grateful for being in a privileged position.
- Since you can’t handle negative emotions or discomfort, so what you just try to laugh it off to mask what you truly feel.
- Shaming emotional expressions like crying.
- Projecting a brave front even though you can barely cope.
If you have any of the above, work on letting go of any regret, disappointment, or frustration with yourself for not recognising this earlier. Instead, make the intention to be as authentic to as possible to how you feel and to do things differently from now.
Anytime when you feel unsafe to proceed with emotional processing, realise that you have the power to stop. Also, realise that even if you decide to proceed and if you find out that you don’t like what’s happening on the other side, you can always choose to revert to emotional bypassing again. That there is freedom in choice can potentially create increased safety for you.
Engage body awareness to guide you through your feelings and sensations. If there is emotional pain arising, simply notice it with no criticism. Accept that you are feeling this way and forgive yourself gently, anyway. Open your heart to yourself as you would open it to love and kindness for others too. As you increasingly let go of your emotional burden, observe how you feel.
Hope this helps!
Gain Emotional Health for Happiness and Well-being
All in, we have been taught to focus on being positive, strong, and confident. Thus, we do our best to be optimistic, practice gratitude for what we have, and to find the silver lining behind the clouds. These are all great except that it will also help to process our negative feelings where we have them.
As humans, we allow our feelings to offer us feedback so that we can transcend our lessons. We make the shift to better-feeling thoughts and we learn to take charge. It is through our emotions that we are in touch with what it means to truly feel alive.
Yet, let’s also be aware that while we acknowledge what we feel, we avoid identifying with our emotional life since it is transient. Feelings come and go and we don’t allow our feelings to define us. In other words, we are not our feelings.
From letting go, we are gently reminded that we are more than our emotional life.
The truth is, we are spiritual beings learning the art of happiness in our physical existence.
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