How Writers Can Be Emotionally Honest and Vulnerable Without Oversharing
Writing can be therapeutic, but shouldn’t be therapy
As writers, we’re told that we need to be open, honest, and vulnerable in our writing. There’s a classic quote about writing first used by Paul Gallico and rephrased by Red Smith. “You simply sit down at the typewriter, open your veins, and bleed.”
So it’s no surprise that new writers think they need to be brutally honest in their writing.
But what happens when those writers are penning blogs or social media streams on the internet? Frequently, it leads to oversharing.
At first, oversharing seems like a good thing. People react well, praise your honesty and vulnerability, and give you many likes. Your posts may even go viral.
But then something interesting happens. Your readers start drifting away.
In a vicious spiral, authors dig deeper for more brutal truths about their lives. Sometimes, if they are particularly salacious truths, they may restore popularity. But it fades even faster than before.
What’s happening here? Why does following the advice work at first, then fail so spectacularly?
Write for the reader, not yourself
The crux of the issue is the audience for your writing.
It’s fine to write for yourself in your diary or journal. Examine your feelings on all sorts of topics. Trace threads of experience from current issues to previous traumas. Analyze and philosophize to your heart’s content.
But if you’re posting something online, you’re not writing for yourself. You are writing for others.
People read blogs and social media for many reasons. But, in general, it’s because what they’re reading solves a problem for them.
In the case of fiction or brand influencers, the “problem” may be boredom. Readers feel better imagining themselves with the products of the influencer. Or enjoy vicariously triumphing over adversity with the protagonist of the fiction.
Selectivity is key to audience appeal
When you write, you know what audience you’re trying to appeal to. If you are writing for an existing publisher, they tell you what their audience likes to see.
If you are creating your own blog or social media stream, you probably have a target in mind. Maybe they are people who already read or follow the same blogs and streams you read and follow.
That audience is not going to be interested in everything you could possibly say about your life.
They’re interested in what could help solve their problems. They only want to know enough about your life to feel like they can trust you.
That means, whatever you do share, you need to share honestly. You need to let them see that you understand them because you went through a similar problem, too. You need to be open and vulnerable about how that problem made you feel.
But you don’t need to talk about other problems. Don’t describe long-term issues you have with people or situations. This isn’t the place to fly your victim flag, or try to make your readers feel sorry for you.
None of those things help the reader solve their problems.
They may briefly feel better about themselves, because at least their life’s not as bad as yours. But eventually they’ll leave, because you’re not solving their problems. They’ll look for another blog or social media feed that will help them.
You are not writing so the reader will validate your feelings. You’re writing to validate their feelings, and fix what’s bothering them.
Every story has one point
The best way to explain this is with a story from my own life.
Over this past weekend, a tiny pinhole in a pipe spewed water all over the inside of a wall in my kitchen. It soaked the insulation, drywall, paint, cabinets, and laminate flooring. After the crew gets done demolishing, I’ll have lost the floor in 2 rooms and 2 closets, and parts of 4 walls.
Because I write about productivity and self-help, I could use this story in many ways.
I could talk about the small size of the problem compared to the large scope of damage.
I could talk about my (wrong) assumption of the source of the running water sound. How much less damage would there be if I’d confirmed I’d really fixed it?
I could even talk about how much time was wasted because our former plumber went out of business. Or because I didn’t know where the water shut-off for our house was.
All of those choices could be a good blog post.
If you write about current events, you might focus on the plumber going out of business. It could make a really interesting study of the unforeseen secondary effects of Covid. (I’d like to read that article. But I wouldn’t write it.)
My point is…
I’d probably pick the process-improvement of confirming a fix solved an issue. I’d talk about the importance of good measurements and feedback loops.
Everything I said about the plumbing disaster would be true. I’d be open and vulnerable about feedback loops that I could have used.
More importantly, I’d be truthful about why I didn’t use them. (Full disclosure: I thought the running water came from an upstairs sink my husband had left on. I got so annoyed at him, I forgot I was trying to identify a running water sound.)
Odds are pretty good, that would resonate for at least some of my readers. How many of them have allowed anger or annoyance to distract them from what was really important? That could be a very helpful detail for those people.
I’d share the total chaos that descended upon my house, and how it made us feel.
I wouldn’t talk about how the situation raised childhood issues. Or rant about laws that prolong the process. Or give details that supported a different point that I could make with the story.
None of that helps the reader solve their problem.
What details you should share
I might mention some of the weird things the crew found under our appliances if I needed to lighten the tone. A moldy package of pastrami under the washing machine. A catnip mouse under the stove.
Our cat’s reaction to removing all the kickplates in the kitchen was to search for her lost toy. That was pretty funny. And showed a fine sense of priorities.
The details I shared would be shared for one of three reasons:
- to establish credibility — as I did above by describing the size of the loss
- to make a point — like how I illustrated truthfulness and vulnerability
- to inject some humor — because the internet needs more funny cats
If the details don’t meet one of those criteria, the reader doesn’t need to know it. In fact, they don’t want to know it.
Testing for selectivity
When you’re writing, ask yourself what problem of your reader’s your piece is going to solve. Then make sure that every detail supports that goal.
Does it do one of these things?
- establish credibility
- make a point
- add humor
If it does not, cut it.
Does it do one of these things?
- increase sympathy for you
- show how you’re better or more brilliant than average
- sound better than what really happened
Cut, cut, cut.
When you’re done, you should be able to clearly see how every detail you shared helps your reader.
Conclusion
Writers need to be emotionally honest and vulnerable with their readers. This establishes rapport and credibility.
What they don’t need to do is share every little thought and feeling they have. The reader is not there to validate the writer. The writer is there to help the reader.
How does this help your writing?
Decide before you start writing who you are writing for. Determine what problem of theirs you’re going to solve.
Use the test of selectivity above to know when you’re sharing enough information. Identify when you’re sharing too much.
Cut everything but what helps the reader.
The more you can help your reader, the more likely they are to read something else you write.
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