How We’re Disempowering Women with the Language We Use

Words make a difference — especially in matters of gender equality

Do you remember the #BanBossy campaign of 2014? I’ve been thinking about it, recently, and how much I hated to be called “bossy.” As a firstborn, I heard this term a lot. In fact, as a teenager, my family even started calling me “Queenie,” though I like to think that was because I was so elegant and regal. (I know, I know. Just let me have this.)

As an adult, I don’t mind calling myself bossy. In fact, I even grieve the fact that I’m not nearly as bossy as I used to be. Over time, I lost that part of myself that was assertive and opinionated and am only just getting reacquainted with her.

It wasn’t until five years ago when I became the director of two youth programs that I wanted to be more than bossy. I wanted to be the boss. I had 25 adult staff members to oversee, in addition to nearly 130 teenagers. Most of my staff members were men — kind, supportive men — who respectfully referred to me as “Boss,” instead of using my name.

I loved it. I loved it even more when I’d show up for a site visit and my work partner, Peter, would say to a youth participant, “You all better be on your best behavior today. Your boss is here and you don’t want to disappoint her.” (And then we’d wink at each other because we both knew he was Bad Cop and I was Good Cop. But it was always helpful to keep the kids guessing about which one of us was the scary one.)

I’m not convinced that the word “bossy” doesn’t undermine a woman’s power. It has too many negative connotations. I don’t know a single woman who strives to be called bossy. Whereas we revere a bossy man in this culture. We call him powerful. Decisive. Smart.

I’ve thought a lot about what it meant when I was called bossy — how it slowly but surely changed the direction of my life. Believe it or not, I was a little student council nerd in elementary school. I loved to talk about our school motto (Do what is right) and how we could improve the reward system in our classroom.

But I was teased relentlessly for being too bossy. (Which I think meant: opinionated.) I began to feel ashamed of my opinions and afraid to share them. And over time, I learned to keep my mouth shut.

I never pursued a leadership role again until I was forced into it at my last job. That’s when I realized I’d been missing out all this time.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be the word bossy that gets us. Unfortunately, there are dozens of words that people commonly use in our culture to disempower women.

Here are a few of them:

Pushy / Bitchy

Men can be assertive and even aggressive, but in women, this behavior is viewed as domineering and controlling. We’re bitches, we’re pushy, we’re controlling, we’re ballbusters.

In reality, we might only be demonstrating confidence, decisiveness, and authority. But god forbid we see that behavior in a woman!

Crazy / Ditzy / Hormonal

Our periods make us crazy. And we’re just dumb girls who can’t do math, check the air pressure in our tires or snake a toilet. Like, omigod!

I hate to say it, but we women have been taught to perpetuate this one. Even if you don’t play the helpless female card from time to time, how often have you self-deprecatingly referred to yourself as “crazy?” How often have you apologized for your behavior because you’re “hormonal?” How many times have you made a joke about being dumb about math because you’re insecure that you can’t compute numbers without a pencil and paper?

These are particularly damaging labels, in my opinion, that literally erase us and our experiences. What are we really saying when we call ourselves or someone else crazy, ditzy, or hormonal? We’re saying what we are experiencing is not real. Our feelings are not real. Our opinions don’t matter.

Don’t perform this injustice on yourself. Don’t remain silent when other women diminish themselves by using these words. And dammit, don’t fail to object when men use these labels on women.

Cute / Adorable

People call me adorable all the time, which is fine, except that every once in a while, it comes off with the faintest hint of a patronizing smile. In those cases, I feel disempowered. Marginalized.

Babies are cute. Puppies are adorable. I don’t mind being called adorable at all, but I also want to be called a demoness, a fury, a dark goddess. You know…balance.

I’d also like these descriptors if we used them to describe men as often as we use them on women. Shouldn’t we have a little gender equality on this?

Nice / Sweet

This one is somewhat like the one before, minus the bubble gum and glitter. So many of us feel that it’s essential that we’re perceived as “nice.” Sheryl Sandberg pointed out something most of us have figured out in her TEDTalk: that “success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.” I can say with certainty, from my own experience and observation, that women who are more invested in getting the job done than in being nice are often judged quite harshly by both men and other women.

Here’s the funny thing: When I hear people use any of these words to describe me, most of the time, it’s women who use them. (I can remember a time when I stood up for myself and said no to a friend. She looked at me with genuine distress in her eyes and said, “But, Yael…you’re always so nice! I never thought you would say no to anything!”)

And what about this: Do you ever hear people use these words to describe men? Some, yes, on occasion (nice, adorable, cute, sweet) but others, never (bossy, hysterical, shrill, crazy, ditzy). That’s something to think about…

Words are so important and it’s vital that we pay attention to what we say.

Our words shape reality, whether we like it or not. Pay attention to what you say to your female friends and colleagues, your daughters, your nieces. Do you ever compliment other women using words like: decisive, strong, powerful, authoritative, focused, confident? I don’t think I’ve ever been complimented on any of these strengths, even when I have worked very hard to cultivate and execute them.

The next time you start to compliment someone on their new haircut or cute scarf or praise their kindness or patience, throw in a positive comment about their assertive behavior or their strong boundaries. See what happens when you use “cute” less and “self-possessed” more. Or try replacing “nice” with “diplomatic.”

And whatever you do, don’t diss a woman behind her back, especially if you’re going to use words like “crazy,” “bossy” or “bitchy.” Take your problems to the woman in question or bite your tongue. Every time you use words that have been molded to describe “difficult” women, you are perpetuating the problem.

© Yael Wolfe 2019