How We Should Assess the Civil Unrest
A Relationship Perspective and Starting Point
The North Shore of the Hawaiin Island, Oahu, is known for the best surfing in the world. The winter months from November through April produce the best waves unequivocally in the surfing world. In particular, each year from mid-November to late December, the best surfers in the world are drawn to the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing. It is a fascinating experience to witness, not just because of the formidable skills of the surfers, but because of how the competitions are managed.
Each contest is scheduled for a number of days called a “holding period.” This time frame allows for enough chances to get a couple of days of suitable conditions. The officials are charged with monitoring wave and weather systems by looking at feedback from buoys far out in the pacific ocean, which send data and wave measurements back to shore. Based on the data collected each morning, the officials determine whether the competition will go off that day.
The Dynamic Systems of Energy
These dynamic systems of energy causes the waves that are being predictably produced during the winter season. The storm systems that originate around the Aleutian Islands in the Bering Sea generate the swells that travel in what is known as the North Pacific Swell. In this case, the same system that brings winter storms over the Rockies and into the midwest producing icy roads, snow days, and back-breaking shoveling provides epic waves that are used to create feats of athletic art.
We know each year with fair certainty what these dynamic systems are going to produce, and we plan and adjust accordingly. We are aware, and because we are aware of the dynamics, we can understand, roll with, and even create beauty out of what these unseen forces produce in the material world. Of course, it is not guaranteed that wave height will be significant enough for good competition, but what is for sure is that the system dynamics will come and produce a unique high wave system that will crash into the shore whether we choose to get ready or not.
What’s this got to do with anything?
Right now, people are feeling all sorts of things. Some are waking up for the first time, sympathetic to the black experience, which had previously remained out of sight and out of mind, while others are pushing “Blue lives matter,” or have put their focus and frustration on the looters and rioters. Others are doubling-down on arguing that racism does not exist and is merely an overplayed excuse by the liberal left. It is easy to get distracted by the details of a tense and uncertain situation and lose the meaning of the message that has been trying to be understood for decades.
But understanding is a funny thing. It goes way beyond knowing something or making sense of information and calling it true. Understanding goes far deeper into the human experience. It goes into the “felt sense” areas of our being. It is an empathetic connection that is made with something or someone else. Understanding is like knowing something to be so real you can feel it, and it changes your way of interacting in the world. It changes who you are.
Don’t Miss the Relational Dynamics
Now we are experiencing a situation, a wave if you will, that is crashing down on society, and we act shocked by this upheaval as if we couldn’t have seen it coming. George Floyd’s tragic death and the ensuing public outcry are only manifestations of underlying dynamics that have been at work for as long as this country has been around. Like any relationship, either with individuals such as marriage or societal between different groups, when one party is not being understood, conflict is going to ensue.
How many times in your relational life have you heard someone say, “Yeah, I hear you, but…” And you know dang well that they do not understand what you are talking about. No matter how you paint the picture with words and metaphors, it does not sink in, and mutual understanding and intimacy is stunted. Actions speak louder than words in more ways than one way, and we need not dismiss this current chaos as merely lousy behavior. That would be a mistake for those in power and those that share in the power because the action being taken is surfacing because words will always reach their effectual limit if the other party is not listening to understand but only listening to hear.
When people talk about systemic racism, they are actually talking about the way that a group is being related to. As with any relationship, the problem is not solved by rational means, even though we should eventually come to those ends. Continuing to use the microcosm of marriage as an example, there is no set of rules or laws alone that can bring peace and harmony to a household. Instead, the solution lies in the dynamic way that the expectations are experienced and understood by each party while all along each party is validated in their experience. But in our attempts to dismiss singular instances as somehow being anomolies, we are missing the persistent underlying dynamic that it is connected to and that our awareness is being drawn towards.
Many people demonstrate their lack of awareness of these dynamic principles and therefore sound utterly stupid, not to mention exemplify “white privilege” when they get into semantic wars of words and say things like, “All Lives Matter,” in response to “Black Lives Matter.” I do not even understand why this would need an explanation, but every day on my Facebook feed, I see another “Karen” making her statement. When you make comments like this, as good-intentioned as you may be, you have just shown yourself to be a part of the problem because you have just dismissed another person or group’s subjective experience and feelings. You fail to see that it is not about you all the time, though your over entitlement to have an opinion on other people’s experiences rains down more evidence of your ignorance and privilege.
I have said this before and will continue to argue that we spend to much time telling ourselves that we are “good” people, rather than face our shame. When life challenges us, we immediately take to the defense of our so-called goodness. When some individuals hear about police brutality, racism, and white privilege, they react and quickly write themselves out of the story. They spend so much time defending their idealized beliefs and rationalizing how they are not racists, and in doing so, they fail to listen.
Listening is about taking my opinion out of the equation. In any relationship, this is the case. Otherwise, whatever the other party is sharing is going to get skewed by my subjective biases and conflict will ensue, disconnection will occur, and enemies will be created. Sounds pretty damn familiar right now.
So were are we?
Well, we could have been tuned into the cultural weather systems and seen this coming. We could have dove into the system’s dynamics long ago and utilized the energy of that system to make something beautiful out of it, but instead, we acted like it wasn’t our problem. However, it has been all of our problem all along, and now we have some tough times ahead because, unfortunately, the wave has crashed, the wound is open and how we attend to this wound is going to determine how we heal.
The backbone of this country has been broken many times in the past, and we haven’t quite gotten the right surgery to correct the problem, which is why we have continued to walk with a limp. Now is the opportune time, though it may be uncomfortable for many of us, to simply stop trying to solve the problem on the surface like its a rational one, and simply listen, validate, and respect the hurt of the other parties involved. After all, their experience within the system is just as valid as anyones.
The problems we face are complex and simple fixes are not the answer. Anytime a relationship tries to solve a problem on the surface without truly understanding the dynamics at play, they are only putting a bandaid on the issue. But whenever a relationship gets into the intimate space of relating and understanding, a creative force ensues, and the results become connection and trust from which solutions flow. In this space, we eliminate fear and realize we are more alike than different, and we can say that with more than lip service, we can actually understand what that means.
If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect at, PsychologyToday, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].
