Summary

The article satirically outlines how to write an unpopular article by using off-putting techniques such as mansplaining, irrelevant personal anecdotes, and prioritizing the writer's needs over the reader's interests.

Abstract

"How to Write an Article Nobody Wants to Read" is a humorous guide that paradoxically instructs writers on creating content that is unlikely to engage or interest readers. It suggests starting with a condescending tone, incorporating unrelated personal stories, and focusing on the writer's ego rather than providing value to the audience. The article also mocks the use of superficial sources for credibility and advises writers to avoid the "bigger picture" in favor of a "smaller picture" that offers no substantial insights. The author, presumably with tongue in cheek, encourages writers to embrace these tactics to cope with the anxiety of publishing and to cater to readers seeking trivial, comforting content.

Opinions

The author believes that readers dislike politeness and prefer polarizing content.
Telling an unrelated story is seen as a way to disengage the reader.
Writing about the reader but for the writer's benefit is encouraged for creating uninteresting content.
The use of credible sources is deemed unnecessary; the appearance of credibility is sufficient.
The "smaller picture" is preferred over the "bigger picture," implying that readers are overwhelmed by complex ideas and seek simplicity and comfort in what they read.
The article suggests that some writers may write to alleviate their own anxieties rather than to genuinely communicate or inform.
The author facetiously thanks Amy Shearn for inspiration, contrasting with the actual advice given in Shearn's article on writing engaging essays.

How to Write an Article Nobody Wants to Read

It all starts with the title

Hello Reader!¹

(1) Never start your article with these words. Readers hate when you’re polite. They want to be pol.ari.zed²

(2) Also, never put a footnote at the top of your article. They are called footnotes for a reason. For the Europeans out there, they are NOT called soccernotes.

By now, you forgot the first two words. Let’s start again.

Hello Reader!

Or should I say, writer? It would make more sense since my article’s about the beautiful anxiety coming from publishing your writings.

So, let’s rewind a few lines and enjoy a better start together.

Hello Writer!

I’ve been posting — almost- daily for more than a year now.

This article contains everything I’ve learned about getting your posts spread to as few people as possible.

1. Start with an answer

It doesn’t have to be an actual answer to a real problem. But you have to make the reader understand you know much more than they do. The more clueless they feel, the better.

Think mansplaining x10. And multiply it some more.

2. Tell an unrelated story

(Keep it to one hardly readable block.)

Yesterday, I was doom scrolling Twitter when I received an unsolicited direct message from a guy who claimed we matched on Tinder 4 years ago. Apparently, I had ghosted him, and he couldn’t move on. I was never on Tinder, but I played the part. I told him how sorry I was. I had serious trust issues back then, and it had taken a lot of work, but I had managed to move on and feel more confident; mostly thanks to self-help articles I had read online.

3. Write about the reader but for you

(The best way to do this is to write your text in the first person and then replace every ‘I’ with ‘you’ to make it about the reader. But for you.)

This is something you’ve never told anyone. All your articles are stuffed with credible sources — randomly chosen from the internet.

You didn’t read them, and you never will.

They’re here to make the piece more likely to be read. You googled a few keywords and linked one of the first few pages that come up. That’s it. That’s the source.

4. Remember there are two reasons why you write an article nobody wants to read.

One is to escape the existential angst coming from plummeting statistics or their absence thereof.

Two is to show your reader the “smaller picture.” Readers are tired of the “bigger picture,” they’ve seen it too many times, it was too big, and they didn’t understand it.

They want the “smaller picture,” something they can take home, share with their family, and make everybody happy. A bit like having junk food while watching TV for breakfast, if you will. Easy and happy.

Final thoughts — the “smaller picture.”

I don’t have anything more to say, but don’t want to leave you empty-handed. Here’s my profile picture, but smaller.

Ah, no, sorry. I made it bigger. It’s because I love myself so much. Next time! By Author

This article loosely follows the guidelines described by Amy Shearn in her article for the Creators Hub:

How to Write an Essay Everyone Wants to Read

Five steps to creating a meaningful personal narrative

medium.com

Thank you for the inspiration, Amy!

By the way, I’m on Twitter. Come and say hi!