How to Weather a Meltdown

Kids aren’t the only ones who have emotional storms. I had one yesterday!

I know that it is possible to maintain empathy and harmony in the most challenging moments.

I’ve done it. Not every time, but I have done it, so I know it is possible.

“be softer with you. you are a breathing thing. a memory to someone. a home to a life.” -Nayyirah Waheed

I’m a meditation coach and inclusive yoga teacher. I specialize in using breath patterns, mindfulness and gentle yoga to build resilience to anxiety.

My practice has helped me become more present and patient with my family, and with myself, most of the time.

“…things get very focused on helping the children, which is fine except that the parents get stressed and overwhelmed.”

-Dr. Mark Bertin

Just yesterday, I lost it!

I had a hard day, and a lot of tech issues in my work. I hadn’t eaten properly. I got ‘hangry’. My son was supposed to be doing his homework online, and it had been about a minute. I looked over at the iPad screen. I saw what looked like a video game, and blew up.

My voice got loud, but I couldn’t articulate clearly. My body shook and I held my breath out. Fortunately, I got up and stomped away, but not before winning a tug-of-war over the iPad.

I was unable to listen to reason. I wasn’t being respectful.

I knew that I had to remove myself in order to keep everyone safe, but I have a lot more experience self-regulating than my son does.

Of course he joined me in the meltdown, because I couldn’t hear his explanation. I stormed out. I walked outside, jumped up and down and stomped my feet. I cried.

If someone right then had held up a chart with a picture of a thermometer, asking me whether the level of my reaction was equivalent to the level of my problem, I would have ripped up the chart.

When I came back to my son a few minutes later, I was able to listen.

He had big feelings too, and I was ready to hear them. It turns out it was a misunderstanding. He wasn’t sneaking video games.

I apologized.

While I felt guilty, I knew my outburst wouldn’t cause him lasting harm, because this is not my everyday parenting strategy. Afterwards, we were both exhausted. He needed a lot of reassurance and cuddles. I needed to forgive myself.

“Whether you are overwhelmed by your own stress or the suffering of others, the way to find hope is to connect, not to escape.”

-Dr. Kelly McGonigal

Think of the last meltdown your kid had.

Can you remember how you felt? Is it a blur? Did you go numb? Did you freeze, scream, grab, run and hide, or hold your breath?

I’ve done all those things. It didn’t go well. So, I realized that I needed to change the one person I had control over.

I had to put the focus on myself.

I leaned into my experience as a meditation coach.

I knew the techniques: breath patterns, mindfulness, stretches, relaxation, visualizations. I’ve slowly trained myself to call on mindfulness and compassion during a meltdown.

Let’s define the terms:

Mindfulness:

Paying attention, on purpose, without judgement.

Compassion:

Mindfulness, plus caring, plus the urge to relieve suffering.

The reason that my child’s meltdowns are stressful is that I care so much about him. I care about my family and I long for harmony. I dare to desire joy and contentment for our atypical family, including for myself.

“Healing must be collective, both in its process and benefits.”

-William Oliver

On a good day, I remember to pause, and breathe…

Notice what is happening.

Notice any resistance to what’s happening.

If possible, relax that resistance.

In that moment of recognition, I might place a hand on my heart and remind myself, “This isn’t your fault.” or “You’re not alone.”

“Self-care is the constant practice of not letting more pain accumulate. It is about continually remembering that our lives are of value. It is the active process of settling our nervous systems so that we have more access to the present moment.”

-Susan Raffo

Treating yourself with compassion is important not only for your wellbeing, but for your family.

Would you like your child to learn self-compassion? Please model it yourself. A regular self-care practice will build neural pathways you can rely on during a crisis. Then, your kid can rely on you to help them co-regulate.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

-James Baldwin

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

If you remember nothing else during your child’s meltdown, or your own, remember to breathe consciously.

During a meltdown is not the time to teach. Our brains are offline.

Afterwards, when the dust has settled, you can reconnect, take responsibility, apologize and forgive. Then, see what you can learn from the event together.

“Anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

-Fred Rogers

In my family, over the years, the meltdowns have gradually reduced in frequency and duration. There have been surges, of course, when our stress levels are high, but over the years I can see a trend of more self-regulation. My son thinks I’m doing great! ;D

But seriously, we both are. I still get swept up in his emotional storms. He is affected by mine. Over time, it happens less and less often.

“When we’re emotionally balanced, we experience and react to strong emotions such as fear, anger, sadness... Yet we’re resilient: we refrain from drowning in our emotions or letting them limit us. And in the aftermath of a strong emotional reaction, we regulate our response and recover balance.”

-Bo Forbes

Would you like to join a community of parents of atypical kids practicing mindfulness and self-compassion? You’ll receive the Mindful Meltdown Cheat Sheet to download and print. Listen to our podcast: Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids.