avatarLisa Bolin

Summary

The article humorously presents unconventional advice for waking up early, inspired by Kris W Leon's guide, through the personal experience of dealing with a baby who rarely slept for more than two hours at a time.

Abstract

In a playful response to Kris W Leon's method of waking up at 4:59 AM daily, the author shares their own expertise on achieving early wakefulness by recounting the exhausting experience of raising a child with severe sleep difficulties. The child, referred to as a "baby WHO NEVER SLEPT," consistently woke up every two hours for the first year of life, with only a handful of exceptions. The author, who initially doubted their ability to care for a child, uses this extreme sleep deprivation as a tongue-in-cheek guide to early rising, suggesting that the misery of interrupted sleep can rival any alarm clock. The article is laced with dark humor and sarcasm, emphasizing the author's survival of a "nightmare" that puts the voluntary act of waking up early into perspective.

Opinions

  • The author finds Kris W Leon's advice on waking up at dawn both thought-provoking and unsettling, especially given their personal history with sleep deprivation.
  • The author believes that actual experience, particularly the challenging kind, can be as valuable as formal credentials when giving advice.
  • There is a strong sense of irony in the author's suggestion that one could simulate the experience of waking up early by replicating the conditions of raising a sleepless baby.
  • The author sarcastically praises the use of an alarm clock and the intentional placement of LEGO blocks as effective, albeit painful and extreme, methods to ensure one wakes up and stays awake.
  • The author values sleep and views the ability to sleep in and still be productive as a significant achievement, contrasting with the early rising advice given by Kris W Leon.

How To Wake Up Almost Before You Go To Sleep

More unwanted advice inspired by Kris W Leon’s unconventional and ridiculous guide to waking up at dawn’s crack

Photo by Lukas Blazek on Unsplash

Thanks, Kris, for your incredibly wonderful advice on how to get up every morning at 4.59 AM. It was both thought-provoking and nightmare-inducing!

I feel strongly that I need to add to your incredible advice based mostly on my own personal experience because as you have suggested, you don’t really need any actual credentials to dole out advice.

I, too, have had this reoccurring nightmare of an advicicle (advice+article?!) pop up in my M3d1um stream. I have never had the courage to click on it. Basically, because I have lived (and survived) the nightmare that is a baby WHO NEVER SLEPT!

Yes. They exist. And I gave birth to one.

Said child was my first child. I had zero child-rearing experience. None of my friends had kids (I was always adventurous). I wasn’t even sure I really liked kids. I just hoped that the hormone soup would somehow ensure I loved the baby. I was right. I did. And wasn’t she lucky!

Because in her first year of life. Twelve whole months. She didn’t sleep longer than 2 (two! tre! zwei! deux) hours IN A ROW!

Okay. I exaggerate slightly. She TWICE in TWELVE months slept for FIVE hours. TWICE! Once, when her paternal grandmother came to visit. Go figure?!

The next FOUR years (4) was a continual run of broken sleep. Finally, at the age of five, she started sleeping all night.

So when I read that someone WILLINGLY wakes at 5 A.M. you can maybe understand why I want to run into a corner, crying and hyperventilating.

Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

So here are my tips to ensure you (for at least 3 years) get a broken hideous sleep that ensures you feel every second of your own age plus that of your grandparent:

Step 1

Get pregnant. If you can’t, then get someone else pregnant. Or find a small baby somewhere. (You could borrow one! My baby-whisperer mother even gave up on her own grandchild the one night in the first year she babysat* — even she couldn’t believe the child’s non-sleeping ability after we got home at midnight and she was walking a very awake child around the block in the stroller).

*we were living in another country most of that time so I am sure she might have tried a few more times had we been closer…I think….

Step 2

Make sure it has reflux or something like that. Ensure it cries a lot. And that it will only go to sleep with you rocking it. (My baby liked to cry so much they would vomit, that’s handy to keep you awake and scared).

Step 3

Make sure the baby just continues on with their ‘only sleeping 2 hours’ caper. Because then, as you think about your comfortable bed, and perhaps you might just put your head on the pillow, they will wake from their nap of 5 minutes and 37 seconds as fresh as a daisy and ready for you to entertain them.

Step 4

Repeat Steps 2–3 for about 12–15 months.

Of course, Kris’s steps are also useful! The use of an alarm clock to wake you at 4.59 A.M. is “great”! (In a land where great = completely and utterly shit)

I would like to make a suggestion in his Step 3 that his “something” be…

LEGO

image: Kris Leon

Because anyone who has trodden on a random Lego block on the floor knows there is no pain like it!

As you are running to smash that alarm clock to smithereens, the Lego will help you know you are alive! You will be hopping around, adrenaline pumping, the sound of your clock and your own screams ringing in your ears!!

Perfect!

And there you have it. Some great steps to wake up almost before you’ve gone to sleep! What you do once you’re awake at stupid o’clock is entirely up to you!

Me? I’m just enjoying the fact that I can now sleep in because said child is now 20!! Woohoo!!

Lisa likes sleeping in and being productive. It’s actually possible! People have said of Lisa, “she is the most productive person I know,” and “wow! Lisa is so efficient, I wish I could be like her.” And she manages it all with the added bonus of a few extra hours sleep. If you’d like to keep up with what Lisa is doing, no-advicicles of course, click here.

You can read about Lisa’s funny button:

She also writes poetry:

Sleep
Satire
Humor
This Happened To Me
Parenting
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