How to Use Your Loving, Compassionate Superpower Tools

To keep your inner critic at bay when you’re convinced somebody doesn’t like you

This article is the final in a three-part series on working with one’s inner critic. Parts one and two focused on learning about the origins of your inner critical voice and how to work with it. In summary:

• For most of us, our inner critic first popped up during our childhood.
• Our inner critic came about as the product of blindly accepting critical words from others as absolute truths (typically our parents).
• Our inner critic does not define us — it’s a harsh voice in our head that thinks it knows everything about us but speaks only lies.
• The key to working successfully with our inner critic is to learn to step outside of it, into the mindset of our core loving self.

This final article is about applying your inner critic knowledge to real-world situations. Specifically, when you encounter people who you are convinced don’t like you and your inner critic is triggered to rear its ugly head.

A Potential Real-World Scenario

I ask you to put your “imagination cap” on and pretend you just phoned your good friend Art (that’s me) because you’re feeling anxious about your upcoming weekend visit to a dear friend’s house (I’ve named him “Tim”).

Here’s how our phone conversation might go:

You: Hey, Art. I really need to talk to you. Tomorrow morning, I’m going upstate to visit my friend Tim for the weekend. I’m feeling super anxious about the trip. I can’t wait to see him, but his wife Lois makes me feel so uncomfortable. I don’t think she likes me.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Why do you think she doesn’t like you?

You: Where do I begin? I can’t recall one freaking time in all the years I’ve known her that she’s ever initiated a conversation with me. When I walk into a room she’s in and warmly say hello to her, she barely looks up. At best, she mutters it back, and so softly I can barely make out the word. Then she looks away like I don’t exist.

Me: No wonder you’re uncomfortable with her. Who wouldn’t feel that way!

You: I figured you’d understand. One part of me knows I’m personalizing how she treats me, that it has nothing to do with me. Yet, I find it so hard to stop. Do you have any advice? I know you’ve been working on this issue too, and that you’ve been making progress.

Me: My pleasure. I’ll give it a shot. First of all, I know it’s hard, but you have to accept you can’t change Lois. She is who she is. I promise you — it’s her issue. Something in you triggers something in her. That doesn’t mean or even imply you did anything wrong. So please don’t try to figure it out. You’ll just torture yourself in the process.

As I’ve mentioned to you before, two or three times a week, I attend Zoom meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Did I ever share with you their version of the Serenity Prayer? I think you’ll find it helpful.

You: Nope, what is it?

Me: God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

You: That’s pretty cool. I love it. It makes so much sense. Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: Haha, I thought you’d like it. My suggestion is you write those words down on a piece of paper, stick it in your wallet, and when you get up there to Tim’s house, read it as many time as you need. It won’t be a cure-all but it will help.

You: Sounds great. Will do. I knew I did the right thing by calling you. Any other suggestions?

Me: Yep. I may have a couple of more. When you first started talking to me, you said Lois makes you feel uncomfortable. I know it feels that way, but trust me — nobody can make you feel anything. That’s a choice you’re making. She triggers you to have that feeling, that’s valid. You know what I mean?

You: Yep, I get it. I never quite thought of it that way. So once I feel triggered, what do I do then?

Me: Awesome, I like your receptive attitude. Anyhow, before you approach Lois, I’d like you to tell yourself:

I’m perfectly fine. I like myself. I’m a good person, a kind person. I have tons of friends who see that in me. Heck, I see it in myself. If Lois is blind to all that, it’s her loss.

Say something like that to yourself in your own words so it will have even more meaning to you.

You: Wow, that’s actually darn close to the words I would choose. You sure know me well. And you’re right — I usually do feel very good about myself. It’s just freaking insane how much she triggers me. I guess I have a lot more work to do on myself.

Me: That’s the nature of triggers, my friend. So, be patient with yourself. Working with one’s “I’m not good enough triggers” is a process.

You: Man, you’ve been helpful. Any other pearls of wisdom to offer me?

Me: Yep. I got one more. Be your authentic self. You are one awesome guy and you owe it to yourself to do that. Please don’t let Lois get in the way. If you feel like you’re falling into that hole at any point in time, give me a call. I’ll be around all weekend and I’ll be more than happy to remind you. Heck, it will be a privilege.

You: That really touched me. I feel sooo much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.

Me: I love you. Bye.

You: Bye.

Final Thoughts

You’re worthy exactly as you are. You don’t need to change a single thing about yourself.

Or change a thing about anybody else. You couldn’t if you tried.

If anyone is giving you a hard time or treating you as if you don’t exist, you can rest assured it has nothing to do with you — zilch.

That being said, triggers can be very powerful, especially if you have a strong inner critic that has been around for decades, as I do.

When they’re popping up, that is prime time to put your love and compassion superpower tools to use.

Because you’re being triggered, your superpower tools may be a bit hard to locate, as they can get drowned out by the incessant voice of your inner critic. But you can rest assured they are there — I promise you.

I’m comfortable making that promise because love and compassion are more than qualities you possess — they are who you are at your core. Who we all are, for that matter.

A great way to put your love and compassion to use is to reach out to other people who love and respect you. There’s no shame in getting help — only self-loving wisdom. We are all here to support each other.

Please consider me your fellow traveler. If there is any way I can be helpful and encouraging, reach out to me via commenting on this article. Or by private note.

I wish you all the happiness and inner peace you deserve,

Art

A giant shoutout to Deb Fiore, a simply magnificent, awe-inspiring person. A spiritual warrior in every sense of the word, whom I’m blessed to have as a friend. The abuse she has overcome speaks volumes about her strength of character. I’m privileged to know her.

For an example of all she has overcome, I suggest you read her article on how she was raised by her mother.

A second shoutout to Coffee Times publication, especially the new Know Thyself Heal Thyself section. I consider it to be my new spiritual home on Medium. I have met countless wonderful people through both writing and reading/commenting on other writers’ articles.