How to Use Questions to Take Your Kid’s Arguments From Power Struggle to Teaching Moment

“You’ve clearly never met my argumentative kids!!”

A mom recently replied to my Tweet about using debates as a fun way to get kids to practice seeing both sides of an issue.

I replied (humorously) that I’d met my own argumentative kids, and they continue to love debating practically everything to this day!

My point was, and is, that kids learn through debating and (gasp) also by arguing.

They test limits, boundaries, independence, reasoning ability, and logic.

Arguing is valuable.

Even when your kid says things like:

“I don’t want to eat my vegetables. I don’t like them!”

It is also challenging when your kid insists for the umpteenth time that they want to stay up later, not do their homework, or be able to have more screen time or later nights with their friends.

“Mom, I really think my curfew should be later. All my friends get to stay out until 11 PM. It’s not fair that I have to come home at 10.”

Exhausting, right?

And you may just want to say, “No.” followed by, “Because I said so.” As a way to end the discussion, teach them to accept your parental authority and be able to relax, or move on to the next item on your very long list.

I’ve felt that way many times. Too tired by the end of the day to debate a point that clearly (in my mind at least) has only one ‘right’ perspective.

How to Reframe Arguments into Thought-Provoking Questions

But instead of shutting down the discussion (okay, argument) with an authoritarian answer, what if you could use your child’s innate argumentative tendencies to help them learn?

And eventually develop new skills:

• reflection,
• critical thinking,
• making better choices,
• cause and effect understanding,
• self-control and emotional maturity,
• a sense of independence and responsibility.

Whether your child is a playful preschooler or an angsty tween, this approach empowers children across all age groups.

*Food for thought: This method takes practice, time, and effort. But the payoff is potentially huge — for you and your child.

How to Productively Navigate Arguments

Navigating your kids’ arguments is crucial for their cognitive and emotional development. By adopting a process of deep questioning, you can transform everyday arguments into productive discussions that help your child learn critical thinking and problem-solving.

This type of ‘deep questioning’ is also known as the Depth of Knowledge (DOK) framework. It is a tool for assessing the complexity of cognitive tasks. Developed by Norman Webb, it categorizes tasks into four levels, from basic recall of facts to in-depth analysis and creation.

But how does this relate to parenting? Especially when it’s ten o’clock at night and your five-year-old doesn’t want to go to bed?

Here’s How You Can Use Depth of Knowledge (DOK) Questions to Teach Your Child

When kids argue or challenge boundaries, they’re not just being difficult — they’re trying to understand their world and their place in it.

By using DOK-based questions, you can guide your child through this learning process in a structured, meaningful way.

There are four basic levels of questions.

We naturally use all levels in daily life, but seeing the levels broken down helps to understand how to strategically use questions with your kid.

1. Recall Questions: These are questions that involve a direct answer, like a fact, a term, or a simple idea. These are the, “What is this?” or, more to the point, “When is your bedtime?” kind of questions that we often ask younger children when helping them identify things.

2. Skills and Concepts Questions: These are questions that push your child to apply skills or concepts to new situations, explain how or why something happens, or compare and contrast concepts. They involve some degree of decision-making or reasoning.

They are usually “why” and “how” questions. Young kids ages three and up can respond to these types of questions and learn to apply reasoning. When they respond they are also developing basic problem-solving skills.

Imagine your four-year-old refuses to pick up their toys. A typical response might be a firm reminder or a directive. But what if you approached this differently?

Parent: “What toys do you have out?”

Child: “My trucks and blocks.”

Parent: “Why do we pick up toys after playing?” (DOK Level 2: using “why”)

Child: “So we don’t trip on them!”

You might not get such a neatly packaged answer the first few times, but even asking the question gets your kid thinking. And that’s the goal. This simple exchange shifts from a command to a conversation, helping your child understand the ‘why’ behind the action.

3. Strategic Thinking Questions: This level of question requires reasoning and planning. You might ask your child to support their argument with evidence, solve problems, or explain the reasoning behind their answers. It involves complex and abstract thinking.

Kids who are around six to ten (and even younger) can understand cause-and-effect relationships. For example, they can reason that staying up late at night will make them tired the next day.

4. Extended Thinking Questions: At the highest level, these questions require complex reasoning, planning, and thinking. You might ask your child a question that involves multiple steps, the synthesis of ideas, or require them to draw on knowledge and skills developed over time.

How to Apply Depth of Knowledge (DOK) Questions to Arguments With Little Kids (Think 3–4-Year-Olds)

At this age, kids are curious explorers. They understand the world through play, questions, and a lot of ‘whys.’ Their cognitive development is rapid, but they still think concretely.

DOK levels 1 and 2 are most appropriate for them. They like to respond to questions that ask them to say what they know, how things work, and why things work that way.

For example, maybe your kid is fighting with their sibling or friend about sharing their crayons.

Child: “I don’t want to share my crayons!”

Parent: “I see you’re upset. Let’s think about this. Why do we share things with friends?” (DOK Level 2 — asking why)

Child: “So everyone can draw?”

Shift the conversation from directly challenging your kid to ‘do the right thing.’ Instead helping them see the situation differently, remove the judgment, and ask them their take on the situation.

It is a powerful change in the dynamic. Your kid is empowered (even if they still don’t want to share their crayons immediately) and is now part of a discussion.

This is a learning moment (even if that moment repeats itself many times before your child willingly shares their favorite something).

You can also ask questions like, “Can you tell me what you’re playing with?” This question helps your child articulate their current activity and grounds them in the present.

You can take the conversation further by asking, “What happens when we share our toys?” This encourages your child to think about the effects of sharing. They may think about the other kids, and develop more empathy for others

Development Value

Using these questions helps kids at this age to:

• Connect actions to outcomes (cause and effect).
• Develop language skills as they learn to express their thoughts.
• Begin understanding social behaviors like sharing and cooperation.

Strategies for Parents

When engaging with your young child, keep questions simple and concrete. Be patient, as their responses might be limited by their vocabulary. Most importantly, use these moments as opportunities for bonding and learning, rather than just correcting behavior.

Kids are quick to sense an ulterior motive so keeping your questions genuine and letting kids give their ‘real answer’ is important. If they feel that you’re not so secretly waiting for the ‘right answer’ the plan might backfire!

The goal is to lay the groundwork for critical thinking and emotional intelligence.

How to Apply DOK Questions to Arguments With Your Early Elementary Age Kid (Think 6–8-Year-Olds)

Kids in this age range start developing more complex thinking skills. They begin to understand logic, can manage more advanced conversations, and are capable of seeing things from different perspectives.

This is a good age for introducing DOK Level 3 questions that get your kid to use strategic thinking while continuing to reinforce levels 1 and 2 — factual recall and the why and how of things.

Suppose your child is arguing with you about doing their homework. Instead of shutting them down with warnings (I’m guilty of this myself so I know how hard it can be to rewrite the script!), try turning the argument into a genuine discussion. If you ask them the question, listen to their response!

Child: “I don’t want to do my homework now!”

Parent: “I understand you might want to play, but let’s think about why homework is important. What do you think?” (DOK Level 2 — the why)

Child: “So I can learn more?”

You might be scoffing ironically that there’s no way your kid would give that answer. Their response will likely be more along the lines of, “It’s not important. It’s stupid…”

Heads up: You’re going to need patience and creativity to have a discussion.

But keep in mind this is a teaching moment and you’re helping your child build important skills. If you can resist the urge to opt for the short-term solution — shutting them down and making it clear who’s boss — you will be building not only a better relationship with your kid but building up their skills.

Ask your kid to:

• show you their homework,
• explain the homework to you,
• what the homework relates to,
• describe what they are learning,
• tell you if they understand the homework,
• tell you if they are interested in that topic,
• let you know if they need more practice to understand the concepts.

Ask them what value learning X might have.

The point is, to engage them in a conversation and let them know you hear their answers. You’re on their side. Gradually you can return to the “Why is homework important?” question.

You’re building the foundation for reasoning and critical thinking with your child.

Next-level questions that use the ‘why’ and ‘how’ but also push past, will help your kid learn strategic thinking.

Ask your child, “If you had a choice, how would you plan your evening so you can do both your homework and play?” Challenge your child to develop a strategy, and encourage them to think about balancing responsibilities and fun.

This approach empowers your child to:

• see that they have options,
• express their thoughts and be heard,
• choose how to use their time more effectively,
• figure out how to get what they want and get through school.

Development Value

Engaging in this kind of dialogue helps children in this age group:

• Develop planning and organizational skills.
• Understand the importance of balancing different aspects of their life.
• Begin to take responsibility for their decisions and time management.

Practical Tips

Encourage your kid to think through their responses, and guide them gently towards a balanced perspective.

Be open to their suggestions and help them refine their ideas into workable solutions.

This not only helps in resolving the immediate issue but also teaches them valuable life skills.

How to Apply DOK Questions to Arguments (And Encourage Critical Thinking) With Your Tween Child (Think 11–12-Year-Olds)

Tweens are more capable of abstract thinking and can handle complex concepts. This is the perfect stage to introduce DOK Level 4 questions that push them to use complex reasoning, along with the earlier levels.

For example:

Child: “All my friends stay online till late. Why can’t I?”

**Your responses will provoke more challenging responses, but engaging in the conversation (even repeatedly) helps your kid develop emotional maturity and critical thinking skills.

Parent possible response options:

“I hear you. Let’s think about the impact of late-night internet use. What do you think are some effects?” (DOK Level 3)

OR

“How can we create a plan that allows you some online time but also ensures you get enough rest?”

OR

“Imagine you are making the rules for internet use for kids your age. What would these rules be, considering both the benefits and risks?”

This type of questioning takes time to develop because you’re building a specific type of relationship with your kid. If this is a big change from your typical response, be patient, it’s a big learning curve for everyone.

Development Value

This approach helps tweens:

• Enhance their problem-solving and critical-thinking skills.
• Develop a sense of autonomy and independence in their decision-making.
• Understand the broader implications of their choices, fostering a sense of responsibility.

Tips for Parents

It’s important to respect your child’s growing need for independence, while also setting clear boundaries. Engage them in discussions that challenge them to think critically and consider the long-term effects of their choices.

Takeaways

By using thought-provoking questions using the Depth of Knowledge (DOK) questions framework, you can (gradually) turn everyday arguments into teaching moments.

In the long run, you are equipping your child with critical thinking skills, emotional maturity, and life skills.

Remember, the goal is not to avoid arguments but to use them as opportunities for learning.

Each age group presents unique challenges (and may test you to your limit at times), but you’ll be making a big impact on your kid’s future by shifting the dynamic from argument to thoughtful discussion.

Whether it’s your toddler learning about sharing, your seven-year-old balancing play with responsibilities, or your tween wanting more independence, the DOK framework can be effective.

By engaging our kids through thought-provoking questions, we’re not just resolving the argument at hand; we’re helping shape thoughtful, empathetic, and self-aware individuals.

True, it takes patience and effort, but raising great kids is worth it.

Happy parenting …and teaching!

If you liked this story and want more just like it with actionable strategies for keeping your child engaged in learning, join my newsletter, EduQuest. Direct to your inbox 2X weekly on Monday and Friday mornings.

P.S. Here are a few silly questions to try with your kids to help develop both their *and your* discussion skills.

Silly Debate Prompts (that have educational value when used with your kid)

For 3–4-Year-Olds

“I think we should have dessert before dinner every day. What do you think?”

“Why not wear pajamas to the grocery store? It could be a new fashion trend!”

“Should we paint the house bright pink with polka dots?”

For 6–8-Year-Olds

“I’m pretty sure that if we jump high enough, we can touch the moon. Want to try?”

“What if we replace all our furniture with bouncy castles? That would be fun, right?”

“Do you think we can teach our cat to cook breakfast for us?”

“I’m considering turning the backyard into a giant jelly pool. What’s your take on that?”

“Should we all talk in pirate language for a whole day? Arrr, matey!”

For 11–12-Year-Olds

“I propose we switch to a four-day weekend and a three-day school week. How would you argue for that?”

“Do you think it’s a good idea to have dessert for every meal? Why?”

“Should homework be replaced with video game time? Why?”

“What if we could travel anywhere instantaneously? Where’s the first place you’d go, and why?”