How to Use Developmental Psychology to Build Intelligent, Well Adjusted and Resilient Children

Understanding the theories of Jean Piaget and Erik Erikson can help you give your children what they need to be successful and confident

Have you as a parent ever had the feeling that raising children was like playing a game of darts in the dark? I still feel this way, even though I tried from the very beginning of my parenting journey to avoid this scenario.

When I was pregnant with my children, I read book after book on parenting in hopes of making my children “super-humans.” I played Mozart and other classical music in their nursery when I put them to bed because many studies proclaim that these complex melodies boost cognitive development and enhance IQ. I read story after story to them even as infants due to my research on the benefits of this activity and its ability to build language skills, enrich visual recognition, and help develop an association of reading with pleasure.

And though these things helped my children academically, as a teacher of over twenty years, my extensive training in psychology and child development has benefitted (and still benefits) my parenting skills more than anything else.

Why?

Because my learnings in this area helped me understand the cognitive and psychosocial milestones that were crucial for success in my children’s academic lives, and in their lives as a whole.

Researching the theories of two renowned psychiatrists, Jean Piaget and Eric Erikson, aided me in better understanding both how my children learn and the important socioemotional conflicts that they need to overcome in order to be both academically successful and emotionally well-adjusted.

And it is my belief, as both an educator of over twenty years and a parent of two teenagers, that these theories can aid all parents in the parenting choices they make.

Piaget’s 4 Stages of Cognitive Development

Through Piaget’s theory on cognitive development, I began to understand how learning occurs at each stage of life. And once you understand how learning occurs, you can adapt your parenting to help your children reach important cognitive milestones.

The Sensory-Motor Stage (Birth to 2 years)

Stage 1, called “The Sensory Motor Stage,” occurs from birth to two years of age. One of the most important things ways children learn at this stage is through “basic actions such as sucking, grasping, looking, and listening.”

To increase cognitive development at this stage, parents with children at this age should do the following:

• Allow your children tactile experiences that allow them to hold multiple things that they can explore textually, touch, grab, shake, and carry in their hands.
• Give them exposure to varied objects that are striking in their visual appeal.
• Make sure that they are immersed in a sound-rich environment such as one that includes music, sounds that come from toys, and conversations (both with the child and from other talking adults).

The Preoperational Stage (age 2–7)

Stage two, called “The Preoperational stage,” occurs from around age two and ends around age seven. One of the defining challenges of this stage is egocentrism. In other words, children at this age are mainly only concerned with their own needs and do not usually consider the perspective of others.

To encourage cognitive success in this area, a parent may embrace the following activities:

• Reading books with their children that allow them to view multiple perspectives or opinions that differ from their own worldviews.
• Encouraging pretend and play in order to let them assume different roles of people in various stages of life.
• Gradually encouraging children to play with others in a cooperative manner.

The Concrete Operational Stage (age 7 to 11)

Stage three, called the “Concrete Operational Stage,” lasts from around age seven to eleven. During this stage, children begin to think logically about the world around them. They begin to think categorically and recognize groups and subgroups. They also start to more fully understand and react to the needs and desires of others as opposed to their own preferences and point of view.

To encourage growth during this stage, parents may employ the following strategies:

• Use play to help children develop cause and effect thinking. For example, present scenarios in which your child is encouraged to question and understand why things work and don’t work, or which people would be best for which actions. For example, you could ask your child to build a tower with blocks and ask why he or she needs bigger blocks at the bottom and smaller lighter objects at the top.
• Ask them to break down activities into logical sequences and explain the reasons for these particular order of events. For example, you might ask them why the directions for baking a certain food always say to pre-heat the oven first or why they brush their teeth after a meal instead of before.
• Encourage them to engage in activities that require thinking from another’s perspective. For example, use special events like Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas to ask a child questions such as what costume he or she thinks a sibling would like, to help up plan a menu that would please all the invited guests to dinner, or to brainstorm what gifts different people might want under the Christmas tree.

The Formal Operational Stage (age 11 through adulthood)

The last stage in Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development is called the formal operational stage, which starts at age eleven and continues throughout adulthood. At this stage, children start to think more abstractly and theoretically. This involves utilizing background knowledge and applying it to different situations to solve real or imaginary scenarios.

For instance, to develop this skill, my family and I and I often play the board game Clue together. This allows my thirteen-year-old to put different facts together and figure out the murderer. This type of game encourages her to engage in the type of critical thinking that is crucial to her cognitive development at this age.

To help build the abstract thinking that is the primary milestone at this stage, parents can do the following:

• Present “what if” or “would you rather” questions to children, asking them to draw conclusions about the outcome of certain situations. Conversation Starters has a great list of questions for you to discuss with your child, though I would peruse these questions first for age appropriateness and relevance.
• Initiate gameplay that requires abstract thought such as Monopoly, puzzles, other board games, or even team sports. This particular website lists games that you may want to try out. There is also a series of books known as Choose Your Own Adventure Books, written for mostly for ages 9–12, that allows children to make crucial choices in the story’s plot that end in different outcomes. This type of book develops their ability to consider hypothetical situations and multiple trains of thought in order to increase good decision making and inferencing skills.
• Encourage your child to read books or watch shows that involve solving mysteries or “who-dun-its.” Discuss the possibilities of what may be going on or who committed the crime and allow him or her to explain their reasoning.

Eric Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development

As important as cognitive advancement is for children, if their mental health, self-identity, and social bonds are not strong, their success in the world will be limited.

This was the underlying theory that spurred psychologist Eric Erikson to study human development. His research led to what is called the eight stages of psychosocial development. Erikson’s theory is based on the idea that different age groups each face a unique psychosocial crisis that, if not overcome, will result in mental, emotional, and social ramifications for an individual.

Parents who know what each stage’s crisis is can help their children overcome these crises and become confident individuals who can form intimate bonds with others and function successfully in the world.

Although Erikson’s theory has eight stages, ranging from birth to age sixty-five and older, since I am focusing on the parental role, I will only discuss the first five stages (that end at age eighteen). However, if you are interested in the topic, you can research stages six through eight to enhance your own self-awareness.

Stage One: Trust vs. Mistrust (Birth to eighteen months of age)

During the earliest stages of life, children are completely dependent on their parents for all their physical and emotional needs. If children are not given adequate attention, assurance, and security during this time period, they begin to develop fear and uncertainty that not only relates to their caregiver’s actions but to all human interactions as well.

At this time in children’s lives, they express their needs through things such as crying and body language. Simply Psychology explains that if these actions are ignored, “[children] will not have confidence in the world around them or in their abilities to influence events.”

The result?

The child will not only develop distrust in people but will also likely suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of powerlessness in the future.

What a parent can do: Respond promptly to your child’s needs. Many parents embrace what is known as the “Ferber method,” better known as letting a child “cry it out,” but this will be counterproductive according to Erikson’s reasoning. If your child cries, go to him. If he wants to eat, feed him. If he wants a pacifier or a cherished object or routine seems to comfort him, provide him with these accommodations. And do these things consistently so that your child is never in doubt that you are there to provide and satisfy his physical and emotional needs.

Stage Two: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Eighteen months to three years of age)

There’s a reason that they call this stage “the terrible two’s.” Parents with children at this age are completely drained physically and mentally when their sweet children turn somewhat dictatorial — demanding that things be done their way and their way only.

For example, children may stubbornly refuse when parents urge them to eat their veggies, choosing instead to only eat the macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets that they love.

Or they may decide that they want to wear their favorite Spiderman shirt every day of the week to daycare. And even when parents try to hide it or say it’s dirty, no excuse will do.

Erikson states that the main drive of a toddler at this age is autonomy and a strong drive for independence. Children at this stage are ironically trying to do what many parents tell them to do: be “big boys and girls.”

And big boys and girls do things for themselves and make their own choices. AllPsych.com explains Erikson’s theory of what will happen if a child is overly controlled, restricted, or punished for attempting to maintain a degree of independence.

They state that “if children are criticized, overly controlled, or not given the opportunity to assert themselves, they begin to feel inadequate in their ability to survive, and may then become overly dependent on others, lack self-esteem, and feel a sense of shame or doubt in their abilities.”

What a parent can do:

• Try to let your children make their own choices if the situation allows and there is no physical danger in letting them do so. Let them choose the shoes they wear, let them pick out their own clothes, and praise them for their choices (even if they’re not quite fashionistas). Let them choose what they eat (within reason). Let them wash themselves in the tub (of course, still being there just in case of danger). Let them wear their Spiderman shirt.
• Give children opportunities to complete tasks, make choices, and feel successful. Ask that they do certain things such as put their clothes in the hamper or pick up their toys. When you make crafts together or color, let them pick the project or the picture. Let them go get the books you will read at bedtime.
• Praise acts of success when children accomplish tasks. This stage usually involves toilet training, so when children go to the toilet on their own, make a big deal. Those tasks or choices I mentioned above? Praise them. Express pride when they do small things alone. Brag about their “beautifully” colored pictures or artwork. Say that their choice of book is fantastic. This helps give children a sense of confidence in their abilities, and this is a feeling that will follow them as they grow older.

I do want to say that I know many times it may be impossible or inappropriate in certain situations to allow children at this stage complete freedom to do as they wish. Another option is to give them two appropriate choices to pick from. For example, “you can eat your chicken nuggets but you have to choose one vegetable as well.” or “Do you want to wear your sneakers or your sandals?” These scenarios still allow a child a modicum of autonomy and independence, yet allow you to shape the outcome.

Stage Three: Initiative vs. Guilt (Three to six years of age)

While giving children the ability to have a sense of control over their world and make small choices or decisions are crucial in stage two, stage three centers around an extension of this skill: initiating activities and events with no prior prompting. Betterhelp.com explains that children at this stage try to exert even more individual control of their world, and much of this attempt to dictate and control events may involve assigning roles to themselves and others in things such as creative play and everyday tasks in the home.

For example, when my daughter had sleepovers at this age, I purposefully let her plan the agenda for the activities of the evening. I asked her what foods and snacks she wanted for her guests, what fun activities they could engage in, and what movies she wanted on hand for her and her friends to watch. This small act of planning made her feel a certain level of independence and pride because she was able to exert a large level of control over her circumstances.

Technology Wellness Center explains the benefits of children being allowed to attempt these acts of leadership, stating that “if given this opportunity, children will develop a sense of initiative and feel confident in their ability to make decisions and guide others.”

However, if parents or other caregivers shame children’s attempts to take control of or supervise scenarios involving others, they may begin to feel a sense of guilt. This may lead to problems later in life because this lingering sense of shame may cause children to become followers rather than assert their own feelings and ideas.

In other words, if children are berated and caused to feel humiliation or embarrassment over their efforts to exert a sense of authority, they may allow others to take power over them and give up their internal locus of control.

It is not hard to see the negative repercussions of this effect, especially as children move into the adolescent years where succumbing to peer pressure over situations such as sexual activity or the use of dangerous substances such as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs can have extremely damaging ramifications.

Guilt may also come into play at this stage, due to the fact that when children begin to take and assign roles in various situations with playmates or others in the home, they are still very driven by self-interest. This means that they will usually make mistakes and be insensitive in their attempts to lead others. When children’s overly domineering methods of managing others result in negative or hurtful outcomes, they feel guilt at the realization that their actions have caused others pain.

In this sense, guilt can have a positive effect, helping children to develop the trait of empathy.

Quite simply, there needs to be a delicate balance by caregivers during this important stage in a child’s development. They should encourage children in their attempts to direct the actions of themselves and others when appropriate, yet help them navigate their choices by spurring them to do so in a way that involves a sensitivity to the feelings and viewpoints of those involved.

What a parent can do:

• Give your children chances to do things that involve planning. If the task is suitable, let them take the lead. When engaging in this activity, if a child’s agenda seems a bit self-focused, don’t criticize. Ask them questions that may lead them to see that their plan may need to be revised for the benefit and happiness of all involved.
• Let them have duties or complete chores. Some parents offer rewards for these actions with a special treat, toy, or even money. This makes children feel a sense of independence, confidence, and achievement.
• Get them involved in interactive play with other children. This can be done through community activities such as sports programs, participation in after school activities involving other children, or even adult situations where other children will be present. If your friend and you are meeting and you both have children, agree to bring the children along as well. Adult activities such as religious meeting places also usually have group child activities where children interact. In addition, if you have parents in the neighborhood with children whose ages are similar to your own, invite them over and let them play together.
• If the situation allows, give your child choices on actions and activities rather than dictating the agenda.
• If a child takes the initiative to do things around the house such as help wash the dishes or clean his room, praise their self-directed efforts. Try not to criticize the manner in which the task is done.

Stage Four: Industry vs. Inferiority (Six to twelve years of age)

By this age, children are moving towards more complicated social relationships. They are entering school, and in addition to the parental relationship, the influence of teachers and peers are becoming of prime importance. They are also likely participating in things such as athletics and other extracurricular activities where they begin to be evaluated by people whose opinions are very important to them.

The result of all these new interactions is a desperate need to feel that they “measure up” to their peers and satisfy the expectations of those who play important roles in their lives. And their experiences of success or failure at this point in their lives will either move them towards feelings of accomplishment and competence (industry) or feelings of impotence and helplessness (inferiority).

Children who conquer many of these challenges and excel in academics or athletics gain a sense of confidence and control. They feel a sense of assurance that they can positively handle and overcome the obstacles with which they are faced. On the other hand, children who experience a lack of success at school or are alienated by peers or authority figures are apt to feel inadequate and defeated, unable to rise to the standards of those around them.

These feelings of capability or victimization are qualities that will impact a child’s self-esteem in significant ways, extending far beyond their present circumstances and drastically affecting their self-image and sense of empowerment.

What a parent can do:

• Immerse a child in activities that will build their sense of competence and achievement. Be sure to select activities which they enjoy in order to enhance their motivation and likelihood of success. For example, don’t force a child into playing sports if they would prefer to create art, take dance, or learn to play a musical instrument.
• Praise a child’s successes and help them see failure as a learning tool for growth, not an indicator of incompetence. A child at this stage will inevitability make mistakes or receive negative feedback that they see as criticism from people such as teachers, coaches, or peers. Help them evaluate such situations and put them in a proper perspective by reminding them of their strengths while emphasizing the idea that missteps can be useful learning experiences.
• Help a child feel productive or important by giving them roles that increase their sense of pride and significance in their environment. For example, give them an allowance if they successfully complete household chores or helps younger siblings with their homework.
• Help a child set goals and support their progress towards achieving success in these endeavors. For example, if they feel inadequate at a subject in school, assist them in outlining the things that can be done to make improvements. Celebrate each milestone along the way to the attainment of these ambitions.

Stage Five: Identity vs. Confusion (Twelve to eighteen years of age)

This critical last stage of childhood involves a child’s attempt to discover who they truly are. As any parent of a teen knows, their growing social network at this age exposes them to many new dilemmas and differing philosophies about life. As teens navigate their way through things such as peer pressure to conform, parental expectations, and growing tension about what path they will take after traditional schooling, they come face to face with questions such as “Who am I?” and “What do I believe is important in life?”

Teens are beginning to see themselves as individuals whose thoughts and beliefs are their own, but their identity is still not fully formed. Lumen Learning states that at this stage in development, children experience a “psychological moratorium,” a period “where teens put on hold commitment to an identity while exploring the options.”

If a parent at this stage tries to force their own belief systems onto their teen or refuses to allow them to explore different modes of thought and behavior, they will suffer from confusion about what their purpose, goals, values, and vision will be in the years ahead. They are more likely to follow the crowd or assume false personas to gain acceptance rather than knowing and standing up for who they are and the principles and goals that guide their life.

For example, my son is seventeen and dreams of being a professional gamer. Though to some this may be a pipe dream, I not only support him, but I encourage him to pursue this aspiration. I still expect him to make good grades and go to college, but right now, I do not make him work a job. I tell him his dream is his work, and his father and I have helped buy him the best gaming accessories we could afford. We have even paid substantial sums of money for him to compete in different gaming tournaments. Why? Because right now he has a vision of his life, and this vision defines him. So, I choose to let him “bloom where [he] is planted” rather than make him try to thrive in my garden of expectations.

What a parent can do:

• Allow teens chances to explore their own individuality. Let them experiment with their looks, choose how they decorate their room, and explore differing belief systems or philosophies. Give them permission to make choices on which hobbies and passions they pursue.
• Allow them the freedom and opportunity to create strong social bonds with others and to form relationships with peers.
• Talk with them about important subjects in their lives and in the world as a whole. Let them express themselves freely and honestly and try to avoid harsh criticism. Instead, ask leading questions that will allow them to explore and explain their own ideas, perspectives, and choices.
• Encourage independence while still reminding your teen that you are there for guidance and emotional support.

The Bottom Line:

Charles R. Swindoll says that “each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” When parents know what critical needs and crises their children face at differing times in their lives, they can use this knowledge to help their children better function in the world around them.

Having insights into a child’s developmental stages and their corresponding thoughts and behaviors can ensure that positive “deposits in their memory banks” are made so that one day when they speed off into the world alone, they will have confidence in themselves and in the future that lies before them.