How To Tell Your Wife About Your Girlfriend

Disclose relationships in polyamory without screwing it all up.

One of the unique aspects of polyamory is the fact that, unlike most other forms of monogamy and nonmonogamy, we usually disclose our partners to each other.

In monogamy, disclosing that you have a new love or sexual partner, which we’ll put under the umbrella of “intimate relationship,” is not a happy event. Telling your husband that you have a new sexual partner in monogamy comes with a “Great, I’ll file for divorce tomorrow,” response.

In an open relationship, you might not disclose all your sexual partners to your emotionally intimate partners. You might, “go do your thing,” and have an “understanding.”

But in polyamory, you can have a mixture of physical, emotional, and spiritual partners. You might have a strong monogamous-like bond to some, a lesser attached boyfriend or girlfriend that you love, close relationships that are more like friends and less entangled, and an open and purely physical relationship with others.

Most polyamorous people have some form of disclosure that happens at some level of relationship.

There might be polyamorous people who rarely even flirt, and might disclose that they’re even talking to a potential new partner because it is so rare.

And on the other end of the spectrum, some polyamorous people are very active sexually who won’t even disclose until there is an ongoing sexual relationship, and they might even skip mentioning a one night stand.

And there can be a mixture of disclosure styles. What you disclose to your wife might not be the same that you reveal to a girlfriend, which in turn might not be what you communicate to a sexual friend you play with twice a year.

At the lowest level of disclosure is the knowledge that a person is active. A step up from that is knowing a general idea of when this activity takes place and with who.

At the other end of that spectrum is full disclosure of all details. By all details, I do mean all details. I often call this the “police report” version of the disclosure.

Lastly, there is the intent of the disclosure. Is it to give a heads up, to inform, for compersion, to involve, or to excite?

I’m fortunate to have been involved in every form of disclosure level, at all different detail levels, and with all different types of intent.

Disclosure Breakdown

Breaking this down, your type of disclosure takes all three of these into account.

1. At what point you disclose.
2. To what detail level you disclose.
3. With what intent you are disclosing.

But then it gets a little more complicated:

1. What disclosure do you like giving to each partner?
2. What disclosure do you like receiving to each partner?
3. What disclosure does each partner like giving?
4. What disclosure does each partner like receiving?

For instance, you might like giving every single detail, but you don’t want to hear every single detail. But maybe you only want to give every single detail to one person, and you don’t want to give more than a few necessary details to everyone else.

You can’t simply develop one particular type of disclose and expect it to work with every partner you have.

And you can’t expect everyone to disclose to you the same way or the way you want them to.

Practicing Disclosure

This is where pre-disclosure communication practice matters. It’s relatively easy though, and usually only takes 30–60 minutes with a partner half a dozen times over a few months before you are ready to begin real disclosures.

Most people are not used to disclosing, which is why they are reading about it. So the best way to start for a person or couple who has never disclosed is to come up with scenarios and play them out.

To do this, you will need to create a character. Randomly find someone with an extensive profile on OKCupid, and copy it into a text document on your laptop or phone.

1. Write a little paragraph summarizing this person of 3–5 sentences.
2. Write a short paragraph summarizing an ideal first date with this person. Where did you go, what did you talk about, how did you enjoy it?
3. Write a little paragraph summarizing imaginary sex with this person. Where were you both, how did it start, what did you do together?

At that point, you will have three paragraphs for three different disclosures with the same imaginary person, a little photograph of them to show your partner (the OKCupid profile), and your partner will have the same.

Now practice each disclosure one by one. State your intention for disclosing. Are you disclosing for honesty, to excite, to inform, etc.?

As you disclose, your partner needs to come up with at least one question to ask for each sentence or piece of your disclosure.

Did you go to an Italian restaurant? Then your partner could ask something like “What did she order?”

Often, the physical portion is harder, but this is where questions are critical. If you had a first kiss, your partner should ask something personal, such as “What were her lips like?”

The point of what you are doing isn’t so that you can create an erotic fiction together. Instead, the point is for you to both get comfortable talking about topics that may or may not be triggers for emotions and reactions.

You are bringing out uncomfortable subjects into the light and defusing them as emotional triggers. You are mapping each other emotionally.

After each disclosure point, question, and answer, you should both stop for a couple of seconds and think about how you feel.

Both of you then write down three emotions that you are feeling. You might be anxious at your partner’s reaction, excited to be thinking about your encounter, scared that you are going to hurt their feelings.

They might be feeling scared that you found them more exciting than you, happy that you had a successful date, jealous of the fact that you haven’t taken them out on a date like that recently.

Read your emotions to each other, and listen. Don’t respond as you are interpreting their feelings.

After reading about each others emotions, move on to the next piece of the disclosure, question, answer, and feelings.

Go through all three scenarios with each other.

One partner does a bio, and then the other does their bio. The first partner then does their first date, and the other partner follows with their first date. Finally, the first partner describes their first sexual encounter, and the other partner follows with their first encounter.

This exercise will take 30–60 minutes.

Take An Emotional Break

When you are done, it’s time for a break. A nice quiet walk together is often a great way to be with the other person and process everything you just went through.

Being together creates a feeling of security, while being quiet allows you to think without comment.

Also, don’t focus on all the negative emotions. You may find that there are some positive emotions in there and they need to be given the proper weight and consideration.

Perhaps your partner likes that you talked about them during your first date, such as, “I probably talked about you way too much, but I had to tell him about how you’re such a great dad.”

Pro Tip: People love being bragged about to others, and this is something you actually should do on a date. It not only validates your existing relationship but also helps weed out potential bad partners who might not be very polyamorous themselves.

Think of about four highlights from the disclosures: one positive and one negative for your disclosure, and one positive and one negative for their disclosure.

After both of you have had a nice break and you’ve processed what you’ve just done, it’s time to sit down and talk about it. Take turns bringing up your positives and negatives for yourselves and each other.

While the exercise might take 30–60 minutes, the discussion that follows might be 4 hours long! You have a lot to talk about!

Each time you do this, the discussion afterwards will probably shorten in length. This means that you are coming to better understandings with each other.

Just remember, the key here is to listen intensely to what the other person is saying.

I’m going to give you one of my keys to mastering communication right now. What I’m giving you is going to provide you with superpowers like Sherlock Holmes. It’s a process by which you might feel like you can read your partner’s mind.

We’ll refer to this as the Sherlock Holmes Inventory for Navigating Emotions, or SHINE, because as you can see, I love making up acronyms. Acronyms are the best thing ever.

1. The person doing the least amount of talking is usually the person with the most reservations and issues. So listen to how much they are talking versus how much you are talking.
2. Ask “How” and “What” open-ended questions, or OEQs. What’s an open-ended question? It’s a question that cannot be answered yes or no. Avoid asking “Why” questions like they are radioactive bombs, because they make people extremely defensive.
3. After they answer, follow that up with a mirror questions, or MQs. A mirror question is when you take the last two or three words they said, and ask it back to them as a question. (Example below.)
4. After they answer, follow that up with a mirror summary, or MSs. A mirror summary starts off as “It sounds like you…” or “It looks like you…”.
5. Immediately ask another open-ended question.
6. Always listen intently and watch body language.
7. As long as the other person is talking, keep your mouth closed and listen.

Putting that all together looks like this:

You: It looks like you are thinking hard about something.

Them: No… not really.

You: (OEQ) How do you feel when I tell you I kissed someone else?

Them: It makes my stomach tingle.

You (not knowing if that’s good or bad): (MQ) Your stomach tingles?

Them: Yeah (fidgeting), I feel light headed and a little sick.

You: (MS) It sounds like it makes you uncomfortable.

Them: (Looks down to the floor and away.)

You: (OEQ) What would make you feel more comfortable in moments like that?

The conversation goes on and on just like that until you have fleshed out each other’s feelings completely.

Why To Shut Your Pie Hole

Yes, it sounds formulaic. But the fact is, communication is a formula that people have been refining for millennia. This particular formula works, almost always, as long as both people are willing to stick to it. And it still works most of the time even if one person is willing to stick to it and listen intently.

It takes the best of non-violent communication methods and keeps you focused on listening to the other person rather than trying to get your point across. This specific formula comes from a book written by an FBI international hostage negotiator where lives are on the line. The book is called “Never Split The Difference”, and I highly recommend it!

Your very relationship may be on the line, so you don’t have much wiggle room to fuck this up. Stick to the script, and listen.

People want to be heard, understood, empathized with, and only then, reach an agreement.

Let’s say your partner reads this article too and knows what you are doing. It won’t work, right? Wrong. Your partner knows that the reason you are doing this is with the intent to learn more about you, to get inside their head, and to understand their emotions so that you have a stronger relationship.

They know you want to shut up and listen. Knowing that alone will improve 100% of all relationships now and in the future.

Rather than thinking this is some secret tactic, which it is not, think of it as a recipe for cooking up good vibes in a relationship. Make it your go-to whenever there are problems in your relationship. You’ll find SHINE works better than all the chocolates and roses in the world.

Putting It To The Test

There are four types of necessary disclosures.

1. When you start talking to someone new.
2. When you go on a date with someone new or existing.
3. When you have sex or spend the night with someone new or existing.
4. When your relationship status changes with someone new or existing.

We Started Talking

At this stage, you need to disclose two things. You can reveal that you are looking for someone to talk to, such as “I just signed up for OkCupid.” You can also disclose when you start a conversation, as in “I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple of days, he seems interesting.”

As you can see, I’m giving examples of disclosing afterward, and there’s a reason for that. When you first start off, you will want to pre-disclose the talking phase. These phrases will start off with “I’m going to…” or “I’m thinking about…” because you want to give your partner time to process before you jump in feet first if you are new to this.

But once you are an active polyamorous person, or you are talking to brand new partners, or you are a veteran at this with the person you started this with, you’ll want to change a few things.

It gets annoying to tell someone, every single day, “I’m talking to Brad” then Tom, then Steve, then Debra, then Sean, then Mark.

It’s also annoying to tell your boyfriend that you are with your husband. That’s one of those, “no shit, Sherlock” moments. Use some common sense.

The signal to stop doing this is when your partner finally says, “Listen, sweetie, I love that you tell me everything. However, you really don’t need to tell me every single time you log in and chat with someone. Honestly, I’m good. I get it. You are going to be talking to people. What I’d actually like to know now is…” followed by what they’d like. Maybe they only want to know if you get serious, or sext, or something else.

Don’t jump too far off base here. If talking is normal, and you suddenly send photos of your breasts to Richard, tell your partner before doing so. People get weird about pictures and sexting.

Keep your partner in the loop and only stop communicating on very narrow things. Make your partner be the one to turn those communications off, and never turn them off completely. For instance, keep checking in that you are still talking to people, or when you stop and start.

Otherwise, three months go by, and you’ll announce a date, and it’ll feel like it came out of the blue and slapped them emotionally because they didn’t think you were even talking to someone because you stopped mentioning it.

Also, by keeping up with check ins on talking, dating, sex, etc, you have a constant flow of communication and the disclosures are far less jarring.

For me, I’m at the point where I drop my talking to others in casual conversation as my “checking in” because all of my partners know that I’m an active person in dating.

“Man, it was a crazy day at work,” I’ll say, “But I got a nice compliment about my eyes on Tinder! So that was nice, I really needed it. How was your day?”

We’re Going On A Date

I’ve come up with three methods to disclose that a date, or more, is about to happen.

With these, I almost never, ever, ever, ever disclose after the fact. In the disclosure scenarios from here on out, I disclose before whenever possible, and you should too until you really know how this will work with your partner and they verbally tell you that it’s ok to do it differently.

The three methods I use to disclose are Indirect, Direct, and Timeslot. Sorry, I have no cool acronym for this… yet… just wait… just wait…

In the Indirect disclosure method, I will ask my partner if it’s a good time to talk about something relating to other people. I’ll say something like, “Hey, I’d like to talk to you about something polyamorous. Is now a bad time?”

Making Them Say No

Asking “Is now a bad time,” gives the other person the best gift you can ever give them. If they say “no,” then they will feel empowered and will give you permission to disclose. If they say “yes,” you will feel empowered but allow them to push off to another time. Asking for permission by asking them to say no is a way to have a win-win conversation starter.

If you ask “Can I talk?” and they say no, you will feel shut down. If they answer yes, then they will feel less empowered, and you are on shakier ground.

In the Direct disclosure method, I quite literally say or text, “Disclosure.” I do this quite a bit with my partners because we need our hands held quite a bit less.

When saying “Disclosure,” it is still best to wait for the other person to respond. I’ve had a few partners say “Disclosure” and then vomit out a situation.

Bad disclosure: Disclosure, I’m running off to Mexico for a wild night of sex with 20 people, and to marry Jennifer!

Easy, tiger. I know you are super excited. But this is what we call whiplash. You can decimate someone with a single word. I’ve had my heart stop beating over just hearing the word “Deal” for crying out loud.

I’ll be honest. Even after ten years of doing nonmonogamy, I still feel my stomach drop when that happens, and I’m very uncomfortable.

Experience doesn’t change the fact that we are all emotional creatures.

Text or say, “Disclosure” and your partner will recognize what is about to happen. Give them some time to process and get themselves in a good space.

Give them time to be ready before swinging for the fences and punching them emotionally.

Also, make it clear that it’s ok for them to say, “Unless this is something that’s going to happen immediately, I’d like to hold off and talk about this later. My head isn’t in a good place to do this right now.”

Only after they’ve responded with something like, “Ok” or “Go ahead, babe” should you give your disclosure.

And you should still disclose one detail at a time and use SHINE. As I pointed out in the bad disclosure up above, you can create shock by putting out too much too fast.

This method is tricky, and should only be done by those of you on the expert level of poly where it is unquestionable that you are both entirely comfortable being polyamorous or open.

You better have your emotional shit together, in other words, because this one is like ripping off a band-aid if done wrong.

In the Timeslot method, you are asking for a time set aside for a disclosure. Any disclosure that happens outside the norm or when you are first starting off will likely be done this way.

In this method, you and your partner are agreeing on a set time to talk about disclosures. This might be Thursday night over a home cooked dinner.

And for this type of disclosure, you are going to stick to SHINE like your life depended on it, whether you are the discloser or the disclosed to.

We Are Having Sex

Welcome to the end of your life as you knew it, yon traveler! There be dragons beyond this point!

You are about to get naked with someone else for the first time. As the younger might say, shit just got real. You are about to cross a line in polyamory where you can never go back to the way things were.

But don’t stress too much. Whether you’ve never done this or have done this more than a dozen times, it only slowly gets more comfortable in a serious relationship. Our culture is still sex negative, and it takes a lot of work even for open minded people to get comfortable talking about this.

You will SHINE and do so in tiny baby steps.

What you will not do is say something like, “Hey baby, I’m heading out to fuck the neighbor’s wife tonight, and her bi husband might join us so they can both get railed.”

That is NOT a casual conversation dropper for 99% of people. Sure, those people do exist. But the chances that you and your partner are those people is minimal.

Don’t do this. Just don’t. For the love of all that’s holy, just don’t.

If it’s your first time, take it slow. Make sure your sex date or date with the potential for sex is a good week away at least. And talk about it, a lot.

Also, keep it very vanilla. I often tell people who ask me what should be on “the menu” the first couple times, and I simply say, be a teenager again.

First base, then disclose. Second base, then disclose, third base, then disclose.

Translating that, we’re talking about kissing, then hands, then maybe some oral. Make full on vanilla sex the last. And keep it to an hour or less.

I know, I know… I don’t like that either. You want three hours of mind blowing sex. But just remember, that three hours could end up being three months of your partner having their mind blown, panic attacks, insecurities, and then a break up.

If they are worth it, they are worth waiting for. Yes, I just used an abstinence line to talk about sex with multiple partners.

Also, be prepared to cancel. I’m not joking. If you are a beginner, you are allowed to have a few false starts or to limit your activities. Wear emotional protection, not just a condom.

If you value your relationship, you can keep your pants up long enough to appreciate the fact that they are willing to do this with you, and need your help to get comfortable slowly.

I’ve always found that three is the magic number. Until a couple has had both partners sleep with three other people, the tension will remain fairly high.

It may never entirely go away, but there is a level of comfort and predictability that starts to take shape.

Remember, you GET to do this. It is a privilege bestowed on you by your partner who is trusting you with their heart. I’m all for being who you are, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.

There is a silver lining to taking your time and learning how to disclose sexual encounters adequately.

You may not believe this now, but there may come a day when you start disclosing a few encounters after the fact! I know with my partners that sex has about a 75% chance of happening when they go on a date.

It is almost, but not quite assumed that a date with a new person means sex with a new person. I still want and give disclosures about this, because you should never assume anything, but I know this will likely happen and that the person will tell me when it does.

And I’ve reached a point of ENJOYING disclosures, and feeling compersion that they had a great time. And I started out very emotionally damaged and with many emotionally abusive partners.

This is a skill with big benefits!

How Many Details?

At the point of telling them you had sex at all, the devil is in the details, literally. I’m going to be very blunt and unapologetic now. You have been warned.

How much should you disclose to start? Everything.

But that’s much harder for them, right? No, their imagination is much harder for them.

Don’t do anything you aren’t willing to disclose. If you are tied up, flogged, and then do some hard core porn style things, merely saying “We had sex” is disingenuous. It’s a form of cheating.

That’s right. I just said that you could tell someone you had sex, and still be cheating.

If they are assuming some basic sex, whatever that means to both of you, and you had something other than that, you are lying by omission. No, there’s no way to sugar coat that.

If you can’t tell it, don’t do it. If you do it, disclose it. Be an ethical adult. If you can take the pants off, you can put the pants on and be an adult.

And it should go without saying that if you didn’t use a condom, disclose it.

Time For Some Tough Love

You are playing with people’s primal emotions and health. You have a responsibility to be a good person.

“But it’s hard to…” Don’t care.

“What if I make them feel bad about…” Don’t care.

I have a motto. “Honesty is better than sugar-coated bullshit.” Every feeling that you think you are protecting today, you are laying a landmine under to blow up in the future.

And you aren’t protecting them so much as defending yourself. It’s not that guy from Tinder whose privacy you are anxious about. It is your own. It’s not your wife’s feelings you are really worried about, but your own.

Detailed disclosure isn’t optional until your partner tells you that it’s optional.

Even if you are experienced, you need to let them know some basics. What parts went where is a significant detail. Explain all slot A’s that went into what slot B’s.

What protection for STDs and pregnancy that was used is also a necessary disclosure.

You are responsible for painting a picture of what happened that is fully honest, leaving no details out for them to understand and process. How they process is their responsibility.

It might be something easy. “We had missionary sex on the bed for about 20 minutes.”

Like I said before about practice, it’s not about writing an erotic story. Later on, you both might be into that. Right now, you want to leave little to their imagination.

What about privacy? Starting off, everyone should be explicit that there isn’t privacy about disclosure. Everyone involved should be ok with this. I tell everyone to this day, “My other partners will know exactly what happened. If you want to know what that means, feel free to ask me.”

I don’t teach Don’t Ask Don’t Tell relationships, because in my experience they work rarely and blow up frequently.

The mere fact that you are telling someone you had sex with another person is disclosing something private. So we’re not talking about absolute privacy, but where to draw the line.

I’m not saying provide pictures and every single detail about the person’s anatomy. But the basics all need to be out there: who, what, where, when, how.

There are those that disagree with this. They are free to read a different author, as this is non-negotiable for the ethical polyamory that I teach.

If you can’t handle this, then you probably have other issues where you are forcing polyamory in a situation ill-equipped to handle it. And if you are sleeping with people that can’t handle being talked about, they are ill-equipped to be a partner to those in polyamory.

If you can’t do this, polyamory likely isn’t for you. If your sexual partner can’t be talked about, tell them to go find a hooker and pay of their privacy.

I know I sound like a hardass about this, and I am. But I’ve had those bad partners, and they are tornadoes tearing up relationships. My opinion is that you can either do it right or you can crush someone’s heart. And I have no sympathy for crushing someone because someone else isn’t willing to put in the effort.

Make detailed disclosure an essential part of your relationships, and you will grow strong, healthy relationships based on entirely open and honest communication. This is, in my opinion, the most ethical path. And I’ve been down the other paths, and destruction lays at the end of them.

Learn from my failures, and know where the cliffs are before walking off of them blindly.

If you do this, you will never wonder if you have the entire truth. Stick to SHINE, don’t rush, and only stop giving details when your partner says so. Put out a little more and a little more, until they say “Ok, I don’t need any more details. I’ve got a clear picture. Thank you for sharing, it shows me how much you value me and our relationship.”

Our Relationship Status Is Changing

Is that date now becoming your boyfriend? Are you breaking up with a girlfriend? Are you thinking about becoming engaged?

These types of conversations can be harder than the sexual disclosures. You are adding or removing someone from a more permanent position in your life.

Not only is this a disclosure, but may involve everyone talking to this other person.

Nowhere in this article have we talked about how to meet “the other person.” That’s going to be a separate article. Just know that even when you get to a place of not needing to meet a date, or meet a sexual partner, you may never get past the point of meeting a new fully integrated relationship.

People get uncomfortable, for a good reason, when someone adds or subtracts to their life. It may spell significant changes for them as well. Maybe available time changes. Perhaps you are taking your life in a new direction, and your status with them could change as well.

You need to reassure your partners about what this means to them and what it means to you.

In this instance, you are not just going to SHINE with your partner, but you will likely SHINE with the other person about this.

Follow all the methods we covered in sexual disclosure. In this case, you will be talking more about emotional intimacy rather than physical intimacy.

This is going to go a lot like the practice sessions. It will be many conversations over a period of time, followed by breaks and more discussions.

Communication is the only path to success here. Communicate, communicate, over communicate, and then communicate some more.

I Have A Disclosure: This Gets Easier

Disclosure is a skill to be learned. You can start today by creating scenarios and testing detail limits with others.

At any time, you can have an “I’m thinking about” discussion using SHINE with your partner. Here are a few to get you started:

• I’m thinking about finding a Dom who can be more controlling in bed.
• I’m thinking about finding a friend with benefits.
• I’m thinking about having one night set aside every week to go on dates until I know what I’m looking for.
• I’m thinking about having sex on a first date and would like that assumed, and I’ll tell you about it the next day.
• I’m thinking about finding someone we can share.
• I’m thinking about looking for someone to have a child with.

You can think about anything. You can talk about anything. That’s the beautiful thing about talking about your hopes, plans, dreams, and fears. You can discuss all of them before ever even taking a single step in that direction.

And you can listen to anything, free of charge. It only costs your time to listen to your partner talk about some of the things they hope they might gain through being polyamorous.

This type of sharing is what builds stronger polyamorous relationships.

This is how soulmates do it. Soulmates share everything. Soulmates are rare, but they are the template to good behavior.

You can’t have a partner in crime if you don’t know what crimes you and the other person want to commit.

And those are the types of relationships I’m all about helping build.

If you’re doing this so you can have three Don’t Ask Don’t Tell secret lovers, or to figure out how to tell your partner that you’ve been cheating on them, or because you want to negotiate a play situation involving multiple people, then these methods may not work for you.

These methods are so that you can build a relationship that lasts for years.

These methods are so you can build trust and honesty from the very beginning.

These methods are what you will use when you genuinely want compatible partners who get you to the core.

Stay On Course

Remember to define the reasons and intentions behind your disclosures.

Remember to SHINE through your disclosures and SHINE when someone discloses to you.

Remember why you are doing this: You want to be an ethical, loving, open, honest, and trustworthy person who is accepted for who you really are.

Anyone can fake being the person someone wants. A child knows how to lie to get their way. Only those who want to be their honest selves should follow this guide.

And if that is your central intention, you’re going to find yourself in the most profound relationships of your life through your disclosures.