How to Tell if You’re Being a Bad Friend

The not so obvious signs

Friends are essential in life and we often take them as a given. But it is ten times easier to lose a friend than it is to make a new one.

We slip into being bad friends so easily and it all comes down to the fact that we take our friends for granted. I would know because I did.

I had started to become a bad friend, the type of friend that people debate whether or not to cut out of their lives.

It wasn’t intentional. I didn’t know at the time that being a bad friend isn’t obvious. There is a subtle line between being a good or bad friend and I didn’t realize that I had crossed it.

For a long time I thought that to be a bad friend you had to be visibly toxic and actively shame your ‘friend’, but in reality, being a bad friend simply means that you aren’t a good one.

Here are some of the things that, at first I didn’t realize, made me a bad friend:

I didn’t participate in the activities my friend suggested.

My friend invited me to get the bus to the shopping centre with her one Saturday. I declined, just like all the other times she invited me to do something I didn’t particularly enjoy.

Only this time, she called me up on it. She said it felt like I didn’t like her anymore because I never did anything with her.

It was true, I didn’t do the activities she suggested with her. I didn’t make any effort to spend time with her, simply because I didn’t like the activities she suggested, not because I didn’t like her.

I was being selfish. I didn’t do any of the things she wanted to do because I didn’t want to, yet every time I suggested an activity to do, she would do it, even if she didn’t enjoy it.

That is what a good friend does. They make sacrifices and do things they don’t necessarily enjoy in order to spend time with their friends and make their friends happy. Bad friends like me don’t do that.

The penny finally dropped for me that I was going to lose my friend if I didn’t change my selfish ways and become a better friend when my friend called me one night crying.

She strung together sentences that I didn’t fully understand. I knew all of the words individually in the sentences but when put together they sounded so foreign.

“I know you don’t want to spend time with me anymore and I understand”

At that moment I realized that I had crossed the line. Constantly putting my needs and my preferred plans ahead of my friends lead her to think that I hated her and didn’t want to be friends anymore.

I reassured her that I still wanted to be friends with her that night and that I couldn’t imagine my life without her but words can only say so much. Actions are what change people’s minds.

So instead of declining plans that you don’t like the sound of, make the effort to be less selfish and to be a better friend because friendship strives off of quality time spent together and the sacrifices made for that time to happen.

I called my friend every day to vent my problems to her.

At first, I thought that I was being a great friend by calling and ‘checking in’ with her every day. In reality, I wasn’t calling her to ask how she was, I was using her as my therapist. On the off chance that I did ask her how she was doing, I never actually listened. I would always find a way to steer the conversation in the direction of me. My problems and my opinions.

She sent me a text. A text that said it all in three short words — “I can’t listen”. I felt like I had been hit by a bus the first time I read it. I had called her twice to no avail before she sent it. The truth was in the pudding as they say. She was sick and tired of my problems and she didn’t need them interrupting her day. I realized then that our phone calls were of absolutely no benefit to her because she never got a chance to say what was on her mind. I wasn’t willing to lend her my ear.

I’m sure that this is the reason she stopped answering my calls. We went from talking every day to talking once a fortnight at best.

I wasn’t being a good friend to her like she was being to me. I didn’t listen to or help her with her problems. I was selfish to use her as my therapist and give nothing in return.

So if you find that every time you talk to your friends and the conversation looks a lot like a therapy session, you are being a bad friend. You need to stop being so self-absorbed in your life and your problems. Listen to your friend and give them advice for a change. Otherwise, you could be looking at a future without your friend.

I bragged about my plans without her to her

I used to constantly tell my friend about the amazing plans that I had for that evening or my upcoming holiday that didn’t include her. It came from a place of insecurity, that my life wasn’t interesting enough. I constantly made it out to seem that I didn’t need her or want her.

I bragged about the great times I had with other people and the great times I was planning to have without her.

I noticed that she started spending her Friday nights with others and not me. She made plans without me and I saw less and less of her. I am ashamed to say that I took serious offense to this. I was infuriated that she was cutting me off and not making plans with me anymore.

Fuming, I confronted her. She told me to grow up because I had brought it on myself. She thought that I had so much more fun without her and that I more than likely had other plans because of all the talking and bragging I did, so she made her own plans. I had made her feel unwanted yet again because of my insecurities.

I didn’t mean to make her feel this way, I was just so insecure in my own life that I felt the need to brag about my life and make it seem interesting. I wasn’t trying to convince my friend that I had an amazing life without her, I was trying to convince myself.

But that is no excuse for being a bad friend. Don’t let your ego and insecurities about your life drive a wedge in between you and your friend. After all, imagine how boring your life would be if you lost them?

Crossing the fine line between being a good friend or being a bad friend is easy. It’s never obvious when you’ve done it. You’ll only realize you’ve done it in the future, often when it’s too late.

Identifying these signs as early as possible and changing your behavior towards your friend gives you a higher chance of saving your friendship.

And even if you have been a bad friend for the past while, don’t fret that you’ve ruined your friendship. Take it from me, as someone who has been a terrible friend, once I took the steps to be a better friend, my friendship blossomed.

Trust me when I say, friendship is a lot stronger than a few arguments and disagreements, as long as you don’t take it for granted.