BASED ON GOOGLE FACTS, B.S., AND HEARSAY

How to Tell If Your Partner Is NOT a Narcissist

5 irrefutable signs

Anyone can spot a narcissist. It’s not hard at all to do.

Like AI, I’ve read all the top 1,531 articles about it and tried all the “Take the quiz!”’s until I am practically a medical expert on the subject.

In fact, if you do the research and Google “how many narcissists are there medically?” the top blurb says that “Experts aren’t sure how common NPD [Narcissistic Personality Disorder] is.” Then they go on to guess it’s about 0.5% — 5% of the population in the U.S.

But if we’re all just guessing, I’d guess the number is much higher.

Possibly as many as 95.5% of all exes in the U.S. and the world are narcissists, according to my research. My sources — The Facebook statuses of my 758 friends and at least 287 bloggers.

It can be very hard for a narcissist to self-evaluate to get this label because if there’s one thing we know about narcissists — and we know a lot — it’s that narcissists never see themselves as having a problem. …it’s always someone else.

I mean, how would you get an actual narcissist to go to an actual psychiatrist to get a label? “Come on, Partner, I think you may have narcissism, let’s go check that out.”

• They’d just shrug and say, “I’m not a narcissist… but I think I may be God.” (That’s what the devil said, too.)
• Or maybe they’d gaslight and say, “Partner, who? I don’t know who you are talking to. I exist only in your head.”
• Or maybe they’d breadcrumb you: “Partner is a strong word. We just live together. (I think I may be with the girl down the street.) You’re prettier, though. Do you want to get ice cream?”

You’d probably have to bribe a narcissist with donuts to get them to go get an evaluation. I mean, donuts would work for me… but I’m not a narcissist. Or, am I?

So, we all know what a narcissist looks like — it looks like the guy in the photo up top — or Claire Franky’s ex, of course. But how do we know if our partner is NOT a narcissist? Much trickier. Much fewer articles to research.

After all, if 95.5% of all ex-es are narcissists, and your partner had a partner before you, the statistics say: “Basically you’re screwed!”

Even Flannery O’Connor, who lived circa 2000 years ago, titled a book “A Good Man Is Hard to Find.” So, this problem is nothing new.

But unless your goal is to end up with a narcissist, we also have to know what non-narcissists look like, right? (Sorry, I couldn’t find a representative picture of one on Unsplash.)

So, I researched a non-narcissist and found 5 irrefutable ways to definitively tell that your partner is definitely not a narcissist. Most likely. Let’s look at the signs…

5 best ways to tell a non-narcissist according to a 1-person case study:

Does he let you warm your cold feet on him?

Even if it is 85 degrees outside and 93 degrees inside, your feet will still be cold at night when you go to bed. So, when your partner says, “You can warm your feet up on me” instead of kicking you away under the sheets, you know you have a winner. Check.

Does he always surrender the last bite of dessert when asked?

This is very important, and not all partners will do this. Narcissists. Heck, I don’t even feel the urge to do this for my own little sprites that I birthed. My secret dessert stash is very secret.

But, when you look at that last bite of dessert entering his mouth, you know you need it. So you ask for it. And he says very eloquently and romantically: “Sure.”

This is the behavior of a true non-narcissist.

Does he make sure you get a cup of coffee everywhere you visit?

Coffee is life. He may hate this drink (weirdo), but he makes sure you get it whether you are visiting friends, at a coffee shop, or on a road trip.

You have to keep this guy.

Does he catch cockroaches?

My mom always did an operatic scream when she saw cockroaches. I thought she was overreacting, but with age, research says you turn into your mom and you can’t argue with science. “ROoAaCHH!”

Luckily my husband, like my dad, is good at catching them. I’ll buy him earplugs.

Does he not steal gas?

Never partner up with someone who steals. Period. Ok, I was that partner once, but I went back and paid for that gas, okay? …It was an accident!

Does he save you from rabid matchbox elevators?

Marry the man who gets you out of a communist matchbox elevator that catches you in its steel trap. If you don’t —

YOU are the narcissist.

I hope you found my five true signs of a non-narcissist helpful. If you have any non-narcissistic traits to add to the list, please comment below.

We need to research all the information we can for this study. Unrelated, but I hear that brilliant research gets you boosted.

Or, actually, don’t worry about research, because A.I. is doing that for us now: