Pets|Satire
How To Tell If Your Dog is an Addict
Pssst! Do you wanna buy some toilet paper?
Only two old people and a mature dog live in my house, so when tissues and toilet paper started disappearing I feared the worst.
The vet said it is quite common for canines to become hooked on the white stuff. She said we should keep an eye out for certain telltale behaviours.
I found a list of ‘tells’ for addiction in teenagers, so I applied them to The Furry One.
Like shifts in mood and personality. But It’s really hard to tell if our dog is sullen, withdrawn, or depressed. He spends the best part of his day laying on our bed inert, like his male human.
Has he lost motivation and is he unable to focus? Focus, really? He doesn’t watch TV or read, so it’s hard to tell.
Anyway, I throw a treat his way and his focus is laser sharp. So that’s a No.
Is he hostile, angry, or uncooperative? The other night hubby tried to grab the corner of a tissue hanging out of the dog’s mouth. He growled and threatened to bite. I’ve never seen either one move so fast. Maybe that’s a Yes.
He has definitely become deceitful and secretive. Last night he jumped up next to me on the lounge and snuggled in close. I was reading and didn’t notice his cold wet nose burying itself in my pocket. He whipped out a tissue and ran outside. I have a cold. It was a particularly disgusting snot-filled tissue, so I’m very suspicious.
A definite Yes.
A sudden loss of inhibitions? Does trying to hump the pizza delivery guy count?
Okay. Another Yes.
Changes to Hygiene and Appearance are another sign of addiction.
Does his fur or breath smell bad? Well, he does like to roll around in the mud and eat his own poop. So bad breath is kind of his thing. That’s always been an issue.
Does he have a messier-than-usual appearance? He hasn’t seen the dog-wash man for a while, and his winter coat needs a good brushing. This one is hard to judge. Maybe.
The biggest clue is finding trails of toilet paper left around the house. That’s cute for a puppy, but a twelve-year dog? Gross.
He’s stealing it to feed his habit for sure.
All we can do is lock up the tissues, close the bathroom doors and keep a close eye on him. And if he starts making trips to the supermarket by himself, he’s off to doggy rehab.