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Abstract

alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.</blockquote><blockquote id="b97c">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>I mumbled something about doing more therapy sessions to stay in touch with my baseline feelings, but my new sponsor was having none of it.‘This isn’t an emotional issue!’ he said, cutting in. ‘This is a memory issue that no amount of therapy you chose to throw money at will solve.’He even suggested that the mental blank spot could be similar to a form of amnesia or dementia that science hasn’t picked up on yet.‘But why hasn’t science picked up on it?’ I asked, holding the phone tightly.‘Probably because this blank spot only happens at certain times. Most of the time, it lays dormant.’ he replied before warning,‘And unfortunately, this dormancy feature gives us an illusion of power. We think we’ve got sobriety now because our memory and willpower function normally again. Until, the condition randomly comes back online, and we relapse, leaving us totally baffled as to why it happened.’My new sponsor sighed deeply.‘It’s heartbreaking,’ he said softly. ‘Especially if you’ve relapsed after being multiple years clean. But it is sadly needed to show you that you are genuinely powerless, regardless of how much you desire and want to be sober.’My head was spinning. Every sentence felt like the jolt of an electric cattle prod.Later that day, I looked back at my recent relapses. I found no real conscious memory of consequences before any of them.It appeared relapse was happening to me, not by me.<blockquote id="8aba">As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come — I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.</blockquote><blockquote id="93f7">~ The Big Book, page 41.</blockquote><figure id="7922"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*n4r4HuNFWSnCD_WU"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alicealinari?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Alice Alinari</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="287c">A Belief That It Will All Be Alright.</h2>Sadly, the ‘blank spot’ wasn’t all that was happening.My new sponsor later explained that something else was happening in my mind, a kind of twisting of my thinking that I couldn’t see either.This is the other main feature of the relapse condition.The Big Book explains it as follows:<blockquote id="f067">But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning, there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out.</blockquote><blockquote id="4ad8">~ The Big Book, page 37.</blockquote>Anytime the ‘good idea’ of relapsing suddenly popped into my head, part of me would start to minimise the lunacy of this thought.I would begin to rationalise this catastrophic idea with excuses and reasons why it would be, in fact, okay to relapse despite being in recovery.No matter how insignificant and non-sensical those reasons were, they quickly became plausible and seemingly rational.At the same time, the urge to want to relapse would start to surge.A fear of missing out would relentlessly come crashing in like waves rolling in and out of my consciousness.Thoughts and narratives of why it would be okay this time would dominate my thinking.Finally, a tidal wave of justification would smother me into deep unconsciousness.Convinced of my rationale, I would carry out my plan, only to revert back to type and do everything I said I wouldn’t do, and again, find myself powerless to stop once I started.This twisted thinking was nothing more than a lie, but I believed the lie and didn’t see the flaw in the logic in light of my track record with partying.To any average person, this kind of thinking and decision-making would be termed irrational, unsound, or even insa

Options

ne.The Big Book calls this thinking an ‘obsession to beat the game’.Whether it’s a vague idea that this time it would be different, that I would do it differently and party like a gentleman.Or the well-loved excuse that this will be my last relapse. After this final time, I’ll be done for good. I’ll get on with my life.But, it never was different and that last time never did happen.My new sponsor would remind me often,‘You aren’t changing your mind when you’ve decided to give in and party; your mind has been changed for you.’<h2 id="4c19">It Centers In Our Minds</h2>Of course, there is a body element for the addict.Naturally, as a consequence of the constant extreme usage of powerfully addictive substances and processes that are designed by their very nature to make you want more and more, addicts have developed a sky-high tolerance.But there’s this annihilation approach to our acting out and using once we start, which the Big Book describes as the ‘phenomenon of craving’.In the Doctor’s opinion in the Big Book, Dr. Silkworth calls the phenomenon of craving an ‘allergy’, but my new sponsor wasn’t too keen on that idea.‘If it’s an allergy, then why doesn’t the phenomenon of craving happen every time?’Regardless of whether it is an allergy, the body part becomes irrelevant, as most people with a severe peanut allergy don’t tend to keep repeating the total lost cause of trying to have another peanut to see if they will react differently.They don’t touch or go anywhere near peanuts because they remember how terrible it was last time.Once or twice is enough.Not so with the real addict because of the first two features of the disease; they will not only be back gorging on peanuts, but they will eventually take up residence in a peanut factory.<blockquote id="e3f6">There is a complete failure of the kind of defence that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, “It won’t burn me this time, so here’s how!” Or perhaps he doesn’t think at all.</blockquote><blockquote id="d5e6">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>That’s why the Big Book says the real problem ‘centers in our mind’, not our bodies.‘What will happen now,’ my new sponsor forewarned, ‘as the relapses get worse, the time between them will get shorter and shorter.’This condition is progressive.Therefore, the blanking and twisting will naturally grow in scope and reach until you can no longer differentiate the true from the false.<h2 id="869b">Turning To Something Else</h2>If you believe in the disease concept of addiction, that this is a disease, a fatal illness precisely like any other life-threatening condition, then you have it for life.There is nothing you can do to change that.If you constantly can’t remember why or how you relapsed despite your honest desire not to.Or if you continually relapse, believing some trivial reason or silly excuse to relapse while dismissing the genuine consequences, then you are a real addict.You have this relapse condition.You crossed a threshold where, at certain times, your inability to use reasoning and rational thinking won’t even register for you.The tragic truth is that once that threshold has been crossed, you have no choice but to relapse.A compromised part of your brain will always fire the thought of using or acting out. That will never change. It’s wired like that for life.There is no cure.Even this information won’t save you, as at certain times, you won’t be able to recall any of it when it matters.So, let go of trying to change that.Let go of any old ideas around fighting it and instead get out of the way and trust in something else.After all, that’s all you’ve got.There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop this relapse condition.But there’s everything you can do about everything else.There’s everything you can do about building a spiritual dimension to your life, by giving back, helping others, living in genuine faith and trusting in something greater than you.There’s everything you can do to improve your awareness and intuition, raise your consciousness and develop another part of your brain.And let this part of your brain grow bigger and stronger than that addictive part so that it can embrace and look after that compromised part.Just like a bigger and wiser older sibling can care for and comfort a much younger upset sibling by giving that stressed child a big hug.There’s everything you can do about deciding to take on a new attitude, direction, and way of life that will keep this condition dormant one day at a time.If this article speaks to you, please follow, share and subscribe to me for more.Click <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">here</a> to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">X</a>.</article></body>

How to Tell an Employee They’re Not Meeting Expectations

I know it’s hard, and I’m here to help.

I don’t like telling employees they’re not doing a good job any more than I like being told that I am not doing well. Delivering this news is arguably the worst part of being a team leader. Eventually, the time will come when someone on your team isn’t pulling their weight, and you will be faced with a choice. You can choose to ignore it, compensate for it, work around it, and accept the toll it will take on the broader team’s morale, or you can opt to have the tough conversation.

Spoiler alert — the former always ends up being more damaging than the latter.

As an HR Manager, I have coached plenty of fellow business leaders having these discussions with their employees. The first time I had to put one of my direct reports on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP), it was suddenly a much more difficult conversation for me to imagine having. The temptation to ignore it and hope it went away was very real.

Why? Because it feels so much more personal when it’s your direct report.

Looking back, this was an exercise critical to my evolution as a leader. Having one of these conversations myself afforded me a deeper appreciation for how difficult it is. It made me a more compassionate HR partner to the managers I supported.

When someone on your team is not performing up to expectations, I recommend the following tips for having this difficult, albeit necessary, conversation.

Give specific examples of missed expectations

The worst thing you can be in a performance conversation is vague because this leaves room for assumptions. You should strive to get as specific as possible with what your team member did or did not do that failed to meet expectations. Almost obnoxiously specific. Dates, times, quotes, etc., are all helpful reference points to include.

“On Monday, 11/30, the sales figures you presented in our weekly review meeting were not accurate.”

Speak in terms of ‘worries’

The ‘Brag, Worry, Wonder, Bet (BWWB)’ framework from Steve King is one of my favorite ways to structure feedback. King says, “When we worry about someone, it is because we care. And when we express this worry out loud, it is a gesture of caring.” From the employee’s perspective, hearing their boss is worried about something they’ve done is a much less threatening approach to feedback.

“On Monday, 11/30, the sales figures you presented in our weekly review were not accurate and I’m worried that this reflected poorly on our team’s credibility.”

Highlight the implications of their performance

In all likelihood, you’re addressing something your team member is or is not doing because it has implications for other people, work, or results. But, in fairness, your team member may not have a full appreciation of these implications. Laying it out for them may help them both understand why change is imperative and motivate them to take the steps necessary to correct it.

“On Monday, 11/30, the sales figures you presented in our weekly review were not accurate and I’m worried that this reflected poorly on our team’s credibility. This could negatively impact senior leadership’s confidence in our team’s effectiveness at a time when headcount is already being scrutinized and potentially eliminated.”

How To Figure Out Why Your Employee Isn’t Performing

Is it an issue of skill or a will?

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Outline what ‘meeting expectations’ looks like

Sometimes employees don’t have a good idea of what ‘good’ looks like. They understand that whatever they did or didn’t do did not meet your expectations, but have you told them what would have?

For example, “Next time you present sales figures, my expectation is that everything will have been double or triple-checked in advance of the meeting so that all figures are reported accurately.”

Confirm understanding — and then confirm again

Because “the single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Be sure that the employee can articulate a firm understanding of what they should be doing differently when similar situations present themselves in the future.

For example, “What are some actions that you think you could do differently next time to make sure everything is accurate?”

Acknowledge the psychology of the moment

Let me be frank — the second an employee hears they’re being put on a performance improvement plan, they will not fully hear anything else you say in that meeting. They just won’t. It’s an emotional conversation, and it’s hard for any of us to think clearly when we’re flooded with emotions. Have the conversation, but also have all of your examples and expectations outlined in a document that the employee can take with them to review when they’re not overwhelmed by emotion.

Check-in the next day

Set the expectation that you want to revisit the conversation with them tomorrow, once they’ve had time to process all of the information you’ve shared with them. It shouldn’t be a re-hashing of the original conversation. Still, it should give the employee a chance to ask clarifying questions once they’ve calmed down and can think more clearly.

Ask how you can best support them

Yes, it is their responsibility to remedy the situation, but you should be alongside them for support as their leader. Frankly, it’s in the best interest of everyone involved that your employee embraces the feedback and turns things around. The alternative is that they’re out of a job, and you’re stuck recruiting for someone that you have to then train from the ground up. No one wins.

“What do you need more or less of from me to be successful?”

Giving tough feedback is never fun. Sometimes there will be tears, and that’s okay. After all, this is someone’s career we’re talking about. The tears will not hurt you. Trust me — if they could — I’d be a goner by now.

Remember that your employee has exactly a 0% chance of improving if you never tell them that what they’re doing is unacceptable. You owe it to them as their boss to increase those odds.

Sometimes the employee will improve, and other times they will not. In my case, the first employee I put on a PIP also ended up being the first person I had to ultimately fire.

How to Tell an Employee to Look for a Different Job

What to do if the performance improvement plan didn’t work.

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It won’t always work out, but at least you will know you gave that person the very best chance to succeed.

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