How to Teach Your Kids to Be Civilized in an Uncivilized World

Children learn more from watching you than you telling them.

It’s that old “practice what you preach” saying. Another one is walking the talk.

We need to teach our kids good manners, and telling them is a great start. But if we, as parents or significant adults, do not model it, then our words mean nothing. You can ask them to say please and thank you, but let an f-bomb slip, and they’ll be the first to repeat it.

And it will most likely be at the worst time.

Aside from your child taking a tantrum in public, swearing is one of the worst things they do to embarrass us.

How do I know this? Easy. I was a parent and a less than perfect one.

Swearing

I buckled my son into his booster seat in the back behind the passenger seat. It’s the only way to keep an eye on them when you’re driving unless you have eyes on the back of your head, which would have been convenient many times.

My mother, a lady and a Miss Manners who considered saying “damn” a swear, sat next to me. We both buckled up and made sure my son was aware that we used our grown-up seat belts.

As I started up from the Stop sign at the top of my street, the car behind me sped around and cut me off. In Massachusetts, you never really stop. You do the California roll, so you don’t have to start up again. I slammed on the brakes and caught myself before I let any four-letter words fly.

“Idiot!” I exclaimed.

Then it happened. My son gave me away.

“Ya, mama. That guy’s a real a**hole.”

I said nothing but looked over at my mother, who gave me one of her icy stares. At that point, I could’ve blamed it on my father and his colorful language from his years in the Navy, but I didn’t.

I took a deep breath and changed the subject. The damage was done. But please don’t judge me too harshly. My father’s voice was the loudest and, therefore, the one I heard the most, so his words were the ones I learned first.

And I haven’t been able to stop using them. I could say I owe it to Tourette’s Syndrome, but that would be a lie.

My apologies.

Not All Was Lost

I was good at using the magic words, saying “excuse me” when I needed to speak to someone, and looking someone in the eye when I talked to them. I was polite on the phone, and my son often heard my mother make small talk before launching into the reason for her call.

My son picked up on these and made comments when someone was abrupt on the phone. Or when they looked around when speaking to you.

The point is, he did and said the things he heard me say and do. Thankfully, a lot of it was positive.

Other Civilized Behaviors

The magic of the magic words is not only what they do when you use them, but in your reaction towards people who do not. Think of the last time you politely let someone cut in front of you in traffic and didn’t get a thank-you wave.

It’s enough to make me not let anyone else cut in front of me for the remainder of the trip. Seinfeld had an entire episode on it.

Having poor manners is the polar opposite of good manners and draws attention to you negatively.

We’ve all seen kids running and yelling indoors, their parents either unaware or unconcerned with their behavior. Then the parent opens his or her mouth, and the reason for the behavior becomes evident. The kids are modeling.

At that point, you might begin to think about your own behavior.

Good Behavior Begets Good Behavior

Some things are beyond our ability to control and once in a while, we’ll slip. Like my swearing in front of my son when I drove. By the time I realized I’d done it, it was done. And said. And I couldn’t take it back.

But we’re not always in an emotional upheaval. We all have our strong points, so try to emphasize and demonstrate them whenever possible.

Here are a few simple ones we can put into practice every day.

• Always say please and thank you.
• Say excuse me when you enter a conversation, bump into someone, or walk in front of them.
• Look at people when you speak to them.
• If you’re not sure about what to do in a particular situation, ask.
• Use your indoor voice when indoors.

Our kids, grandkids, nieces, and nephews, watch everything we do. So as much as possible, set a good example.

Be clear about what you expect in a situation, and be ready to do your best. Listen to your child when they speak to you or have concerns. Kids aren’t shy when it comes to questions.

When you screw up, admit it. Your kid will respect your honesty. And by the way, if you don’t you own up to your errors, you won’t be fooling them.

Above all else, be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Then even if you’re loud or do the wrong thing, at least you won’t be being a meanie.