How to Tame Your Tongue, Disarm Conflict, and Walk Away the Winner

Embracing the art of focused conversations that are sincere and powerful

We all can recall when you either said something that you immediately regretted or spoke too soon to fill a void in the conversation, which landed weirdly. You blurted something out that was inappropriate or embarrassing. When they play back again in the theater of your mind, it makes you cringe, even days, months, and years later.

It's those moments when you wish time travel were possible, and you can go back and say what you've rehearsed in your head after the fact. We've all paid the price for it.

The best we can do is tell ourselves that it's not as big a deal as we make it out to be. We shake it off and move on. But it could be a bigger deal than we imagine, and somebody is expecting an apology. Communication skills can be a real dilemma at times.

Thankfully, there are experts in the science of communication we can learn from. Countless studies have been done on this topic. There are easy and practical exercises that we can apply to help cultivate excellent communication practices that will enhance our social, business, and family lives.

One of the most comprehensive resources on this topic is a book by Andrew B. Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman, Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy.

Good Communication Begins with a Mind that's Calm, Present, and Silent

My father passed away recently. My 90-year-old mom was completely reliant on him for everything. Mom is still in good health and is living alone in their apartment.

Have you ever tried teaching new life skills to a senior who is set in their ways, grieving, and has little interest in learning? I've never been so short-tempered in my life. I tried to show Mom how to use the TV remote and came away wanting to put my fist through a wall. I snap at her out of impatience and hate that I go there so quickly.

Even with regular meditation, mindfulness, strong Christian values, and genuine empathy for people, I still struggle on occasion with irritation and feel compelled to sudden outbursts of anger when I'm in a stressed mood.

I wonder about those naturally inclined to a nasty, cranky temperament. You know, those folks who are always negative and complain about everything. It must be nearly impossible for them to rein in their anger. So, how do we calm down the mind when stressed?

Before having that conversation, make a conscious decision to relax. It's easier than you think. Taking sixty seconds to do some breathing exercises can do it. I'm looking at the situation with my mom as a growing opportunity.

I have a smartwatch equipped with a function to help you relax. There's a spiral design that shrinks and grows — the goal is to focus on the design while inhaling and exhaling to match the image's rhythm pattern. It only takes a minute, and it does work for me.

Focusing on your breath anchors you in the moment. Teaching your brain to be present also helps you focus on the other person's words and emotions as they speak. I've noticed when I talk calmly, my mom calms too.

Positive Thinking Enhances Brain Function and Communication

Every company has one — you know, that person who is chronically negative. They are always griping about something or somebody. The weather, the commute, the workload, the boss, Nothing ever goes well for them.

They can suck the life out of a room. This negativity is proven to release stress hormones; this, in turn, creates anxiety and fosters irritability. This erodes the morale of others around them and can adversely impact cognitive function.

I recently finished a book about the ship's harrowing voyage, Endurance (1914–1917). Ernest Shackleton and his fearless commander, Captain F. Worsley, of the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition, saved the lives of all 27 crew members after their ship was frozen in the ice and was lost.

The brave crew were stranded for over two years while braving the elements against all odds. Most of the time, morale was positive, considering their dire circumstances.

A few men on the crew were negative and complained incessantly. Shackleton made it a point to keep these guys close by and in his tent when camping on the ice flow. This was a smart strategy to keep the men's negative attitudes from poisoning the rest of the crew's morale.

While envisioning positive interactions, fending off any negativity in your relationship with the other party is crucial. According to the distinguished professor of psychology, Barbara Fredrickson, a great way to counter a negative thought is by combatting it with three positive ones.

Leverage Your Inner Values to Guide Your Communication and Actions

It's important to share your inner values with the person you are communicating with.

Think of this as your roadmap; the other person is the destination point. Your inner values are informed by several aspects: beliefs regarding status, thoughts about science and religion, habits, and political leanings.

There's an exercise in the book Words Can Change Your Brain to help identify your inner values. Grab a pen and paper, then find a quiet place to sit and relax your mind for a few minutes. It's an excellent time to practice that breathing technique.

Once relaxed, begin mining your brain for those things that make you truly happy. Then, ask yourself what your deepest, innermost values include.

Begin jotting down any words or phrases that come to mind. Repeat this exercise several times. Meditate on these values and say them aloud. Reflecting on these values regularly helps them resonate deeper and helps them stay in touch with each other.

When you're attuned to your inner values, you will be less susceptible to stress, more confident and resilient in the face of conflict and disagreements, and flexible in the event of sudden change.

Interacting with others will encourage cooperation and promote understanding and mutual support as you seek to better understand the other person's inner values. This ultimately leads to more productive dialogue.

Say Less, Speak Slowly, and Listen Intently

Have you ever been engaged in a dialogue with someone and realized their thoughts are elsewhere and need to be more focused on what you are saying?

It's easy to tell when somebody is tuning you out. Conversely, we've all had those occasions when we talked to somebody and then realized that we were not really listening. Our minds have drifted away, and we reel it back in.

It's not always our fault. Although our brains are powerful processing machines with over one hundred billion neurons and virtually infinite connections, the human brain can only hold about four bits of information simultaneously.

When somebody is speaking, our brain chooses what information to store. It's better to parse out information slowly during a meaningful conversation to not overload the listener.

Good public speakers know and use this technique. They don't overload their audience with too much information at once. They speak slowly and pause often, allowing the listeners to process the information before moving on to the next topic.

How long should you speak before giving your listeners a break? The answer is around 30 seconds. Remember, this is a two-way street. It's as important when the other party is speaking to afford them the same courtesy. You must also pay attention when the other person is talking to complete the communication circuit.

Nobody likes to be interrupted when they are speaking. If you feel an interruption is necessary, we should apologize while acknowledging that what they say is important.

And whenever we respond, we should speak directly to what the other person has said. Going back to something we said previously or changing the topic breaks the conversation flow. It can come off as rude and self-centered.

Facial expressions are important, too. Maintaining regular eye contact conveys interest and kindness. Non-verbal cues and body language should match your words. Otherwise, you risk confusing people and putting them off.

A Warm, Appreciative Tone Encourages Receptiveness

There's a little game I've learned to play whenever I sense aggression or hostility in a person's countenance. I practiced it while dealing with the general public when I worked in retail many years ago. I still use it when encountering grouchy, mean-spirited people with a chip on their shoulders.

Rather than going with the knee-jerk response of knocking that proverbial chip off their shoulder, I relax and see if I can't disarm them — win them over and have them smiling.

It doesn't always work, but it's a fun game to play — and in the end, it leaves me knowing that I did my best by taking the high road and not escalating the encounter into a situation that goes downhill.

The quickest way to disarm somebody like this is to compliment them. It's instrumental if the compliment is genuine. It generally affirms what the other person already believes and encourages positive interaction. If it's something you really believe and respect about the other person, this approach rarely fails.

One of the authors of Words Can Change Your Brain relays his experience with this strategy when he talks about how one of the publishing editors he worked with always complimented his positive work before making any suggested changes to the manuscript. The author found he was much more receptive to the editor's feedback.

In verbal conversation, the tone is critical in conveying effective communication. Use a warm tone. According to a leadership study at the University of Amsterdam, this suggests compassion and sincerity. Using a lower pitch is helpful.

Think about caring conversations you've had in the past. Experienced doctors know this. When delivering bad news to patients and their families, speaking in a lower voice suggests they are more sympathetic.

Takeaway Keys:

Effective communication is often counterintuitive and, like anything else, takes practice. Calm your mind and be present. Learn to tame your speech with positive thoughts.

Engage by identifying and embracing your inner values. Speak slowly and take pause breaks. Affirm the other party with genuine compliments and warm tones. And most importantly, always listen to the other person; show them you care about what they're trying to communicate.

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