How to Talk to Children About Death

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Abstract

o school after the summer holidays, we received some very sad and shocking news from the headteacher.One of his teachers had died from brain cancer. She was the music teacher who played Happy Birthday on the violin on his seventh birthday, the day after my mother-in-law died.We couldn’t believe it. We saw the teacher at my son’s end-of-term concert on 15th July 2022 and she passed away on 20th August 2022. She was younger than me and we had no idea she was so sick.Although we knew the teachers would be speaking with the children, I felt it right to tell my son the news before he returned to school.It takes time for unexpected sad news to sink in. I wanted my son to be told when he had Mummy and Daddy to comfort him and talk to.<h2 id="c7cd">Message of Remembrance</h2>The school set up a Memory Book for us to add messages of remembrance. My message contains things I anticipated communicating face to face after my son’s last music lesson, at least a year from now.I wish I could travel back in time so I can speak to my son’s music teacher at the end-of-term summer concert. I wish I had spent more time thanking her for her efforts while she was alive.My son’s teacher’s love of music and commitment to teaching was clear. She w

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as caring, kind, encouraging, positive and patient. She leaves behind a legacy through her commitment to improving others’ lives through music.We will always be grateful for the time she spent sharing her love for music with us. She inspired my son enough for him to want to carry his violin home and practice before he went to bed every day. We will endeavour to make sure he keeps practicing, just like she asked us to at the end of her YouTube videos.I remember she made a video just for us to show how to put a shoulder rest on my son’s violin. She came up with the solution as my son’s bony collarbone made it uncomfortable for him to hold his instrument. I still have the video in an email. In it, the teacher tells my son to shush because you can hear him messing around while she’s giving the explanation.We are deeply saddened that our son is unable to continue his music journey with his teacher as cheerleader by his side. However, I am happy she is free from the pain she must have suffered during her illness.Key Message: Speaking honestly about death with children is the best way to support them. It instils a level of trust which helps them be open and honest with you if and when they are ready to talk — not just about death but about anything.</article></body>

My son had to deal with the grief of losing someone twice, and he’s only seven years old.

When my mother-in-law died, we hesitated to tell my son. It was the day before his seventh birthday and his performance in the school nativity.

Part of me didn’t want to spoil his special day with such sad news. I also wanted him to enjoy performing with his friends.

The other part of me felt it would be dishonest not to say anything. It would be impossible to act like nothing’s wrong with our son. Telling him straight away was the right thing to do.

A couple of lovely things happened on the next day. My son’s teacher told me he put his hand up in class to tell everyone his grandma had died. Some of his classmates shared stories of loved ones they had lost too. His music teacher played Happy Birthday on the violin.

The Friday before my son was due to go back to school after the summer holidays, we received some very sad and shocking news from the headteacher.

One of his teachers had died from brain cancer. She was the music teacher who played Happy Birthday on the violin on his seventh birthday, the day after my mother-in-law died.

We couldn’t believe it. We saw the teacher at my son’s end-of-term concert on 15th July 2022 and she passed away on 20th August 2022. She was younger than me and we had no idea she was so sick.

Although we knew the teachers would be speaking with the children, I felt it right to tell my son the news before he returned to school.

It takes time for unexpected sad news to sink in. I wanted my son to be told when he had Mummy and Daddy to comfort him and talk to.

Message of Remembrance

The school set up a Memory Book for us to add messages of remembrance. My message contains things I anticipated communicating face to face after my son’s last music lesson, at least a year from now.

I wish I could travel back in time so I can speak to my son’s music teacher at the end-of-term summer concert. I wish I had spent more time thanking her for her efforts while she was alive.

My son’s teacher’s love of music and commitment to teaching was clear. She was caring, kind, encouraging, positive and patient. She leaves behind a legacy through her commitment to improving others’ lives through music.

We will always be grateful for the time she spent sharing her love for music with us. She inspired my son enough for him to want to carry his violin home and practice before he went to bed every day. We will endeavour to make sure he keeps practicing, just like she asked us to at the end of her YouTube videos.

I remember she made a video just for us to show how to put a shoulder rest on my son’s violin. She came up with the solution as my son’s bony collarbone made it uncomfortable for him to hold his instrument. I still have the video in an email. In it, the teacher tells my son to shush because you can hear him messing around while she’s giving the explanation.

We are deeply saddened that our son is unable to continue his music journey with his teacher as cheerleader by his side. However, I am happy she is free from the pain she must have suffered during her illness.

Key Message: Speaking honestly about death with children is the best way to support them. It instils a level of trust which helps them be open and honest with you if and when they are ready to talk — not just about death but about anything.